Santa Claus Theology

Listening to some Christmas music online this morning, I had a moment of...clarity? Insanity? Not sure which, LOL! So, I figured I'd share with you and let you decide. Heh!

We've all heard the song, Santa Claus is Coming to Town. It's a classic tune that we've all sung as little children during the holiday season. I'm too lazy to look up the original author so if you want to know you'll have to be more inspired than I am. ;)

But, I do know the lyrics:

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
He's making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming to town
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!
O! You better watch out!
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town

For whatever reason, as I listened today I found myself comparing the words to this song with the notion of God that I've seen many people espouse. That of an angry God. One that is coming and you better be good out of terror. Terror that He is making a list, checking it twice and will reward those that obey out of fear while eternally punishing those that didn't heed the warning.

I used to be one of those people. One that was terrorized at the thought of how righteous He was and how righteous He expected me to be....or else! Let me be clear here, I do not discount the effectiveness that such terror can initially have on a person and their relationship with God. I think He can and does use that teaching to His advantage (as He works good from all things) to draw people to Himself. I do think however, that it is merely a tool in an arsenal of many.

The scriptures teach that fear is the beginning of wisdom. Many teach that fear in this sense is the terror I once felt. Terror of hellfire. Terror of being sent there because I've done far worse than Adam and Eve or other biblical characters that I've read about. When I looked at their lives and compared them with my own, I absolutely knew I deserved a far worse fate than they did.

Through study and prayer, I've personally come to believe fear means reverence in this regard. We're also taught through scripture that perfect love casts out all fear. I came to know a God who loves perfectly. Though I do need to revere Him, in time He showed me that I do not need to live in terror of Him.

I do believe that He knows when I'm naughty or nice and that it matters to Him. Mostly because He's been showing me what love looks like and when we don't have others' best interest at heart, we are not loving them. And His desire is that we love Him and love one another.

May we all come to know very intimately, how perfect love casts out all fear and may we never subscribe to Santa Claus theology. ;)

~the Attimeister~

Sexual Healing

We've all heard the old Marvin Gaye song depicting an enormous sexual appetite that needs appeasing (it's a pretty catchy tune!). And as humans we've all experienced to some degree, the longing Gaye describes for fulfillment and gratification of our sexual appetites. That longing in and of itself is not wrong in my opinion, as we were all created with an innate desire for sexual relationships and connectedness. It's a beautiful gift given to us by our Creator.

While Gaye defines sexual healing by the pleasing of the flesh, I have had a very different encounter with sexual healing in my life. One that has roots in some very dark and desolate places where God illuminated my heart and mind to free me from my brokenness.

Without going into specifics and making this an X rated blog entry, I will share generally what I'm referring to...

As a young girl, I was molested by a close family friend. Though I had no idea what that experience meant at that time, I came to understand many, many years later as I learned more about sex and all that it entails. As I got older, when I was 14, I was raped at a party and lost my virginity to a boy who I didn't desire to give it to.

Those experiences, I'm learning, have had a very deep and powerful impact on my life in a very negative way. There was already terrible and ugly issues in my home life....an absent father and a mentally ill mother (though we didn't know it at the time) who was doing her best to raise a family on her own.

The rape was probably one of the biggest defining moments of my life. It sent me on a very destructive path and lead me into dark places that I desperately wanted to escape from but didn't know how.

I was very depressed and became suicidal. I started drinking alcohol to cope with the hurt and pain. Days, weeks, months and years blurred into one another as I longed to experience what it meant to be loved and accepted and sought it through various experiences with boys and men who told me they loved me but only dishonored me and my body. And truth be told, I didn't know love then either.

In a very intense contemplative prayer session, I recently learned that my response to the things I endured and even proactively participated in, was very unhealthy. And of course, I'm not sure most young girls know how to cope in a healthy way to such things.

In that session, God spoke to my heart and revealed to me that it was never His desire for me to be molested, raped or used. He revealed to me that it was never his desire for me to run to alcohol for comfort. He also revealed to me that it was never His desire for their brokenness to harm me. He didn't desire for them to be broken either.

As a young girl, I don't suppose I ever addressed these things. I merely survived them. Very poorly at that. Through the grace, mercy and love of God, I have now come to understand that the choices we made, grieved Him. I also came to see those that abused me in light of God's love for them as well.

God is healing me from my sexual past...the hurts done by others; the hurts and consequences of my own choices. God has forgiven me and I release them from whatever injustices done to me. I release them from judgment. I release myself also.

My God is so wonderful and loving that He will take my hand and travel with me through the darkest doors of my life, through my pain, through my past...in order that He may make me whole. I thank Him for allowing me to see these boys/men in light of their brokenness and need for Him. I don't know if any of these men know Him today, but I know He loves them just as much as He loves me. That is beautiful, liberating and healing!

~Linda~

Still Kicking!

Yes, I'm still around....been wanting to blog but haven't had any time for it. I have a lot on my mind I want to share too! Hopefully soon. In the meantime, here are a few pics of recent events. :)

I may post more pics another time. As chaotically as these are posted, is as chaotic as my life has been. Whew!

1. Sharai's 1st day of Preschool
2. Asia's Homecoming Dance
3. Ronnie, James and Sharai at lunch for my birthday
4. Ronnie and Sharai painting pumpkins
5. Asia and Dannielle making carmel apples

~ Linda~

Breakthrough

I've been seeing a Christian counselor for a few visits now and I have to admit that I am quite surprised at the things we've discovered and that I've experienced already.

Yesterday, I went in feeling pretty cheerful and thinking that I wouldn't really know what to talk about or better yet, that I might not cry for once! Ha!

It started out ok enough...I shared with her that I've been reading the book she recommended and that I could relate to nearly everything Joyce had written.

We talked a bit about various things and then she asked me if there was ever a time when I felt loved by God. Yes, there was and I shared that experience with her. And so I know practically that God does indeed love me. And I know that God's providential hand is guiding me in various ways in my life....yet I still don't always feel loved. I know He provides for me. I know He's here with me and I know He speaks to me but, why don't I equate those things with His love?

I don't yet know the answer to that question but after sharing my "God experience with her", she asked me what do I think is blocking me from experiencing the full love that God has for me? I don't know the answer to that question either. So, we moved on and she asked me how I know God speaks to me and so I shared with her some very powerful events that have taken place in my life that I know only the power of God could have manipulated (probably not the best word usage but it will have to do as I'm too tired to think any deeper than that LOL).

One way I know God has spoken to me is through a vision nearly three years ago now. And I have also had Him speak to me through dreams. So she suggested that I ask God to give me more visions and dreams because I did feel His love when I was experiencing Him in that way. She quoted the "ask, seek, knock" passage and reminded me that I can ask God for things.

I sat there puzzled because I have read these things many times and I know that I appreciate them intellectually and finally (after a long silence) I kinda chuckled and said, "I know these things, so why is it that I don't ask?" Is it ignorance, laziness, fear, what?

I was not prepared for the unleashing that took place when she asked me very directly, "Were you allowed to ask for things when you were a little girl?" The answer to that question broke me down to my core and I wept uncontrollably as I shook my head, "No." I had my answer. God was taking me back to my childhood to reveal to me something that is hindering me in my relationship with Him today.

As I wept, she prayed and asked God to speak to me and reveal any truth that He wanted me to know in regards to this deep wound that He was bringing to the surface. That if there was anything He wanted to speak to me that He would do so. And as I sat there unable verbally to even agree with her in prayer or anything, He spoke to my heart and told me that "You can ask Me for things. You are My daughter and I love you."

She prayed that God would sear that truth deep into my heart so that I never forget it and so that I will remember that I am free to go to the throne room of God and ask, seek and knock.

I am so thankful for this counselor and for the gentleness and compassion in which she is gifted with. God is using and going to use her to help me break free from emotional bondage that I am under. Some of it I am fully aware of, just don't know what to do about. And some of it, I am not even aware of but He is going to bring it out so that He can liberate me. Praise God!

Beauty

Speaking of beauty..... these are absolutely gorgeous and smell so fragrant! Thank you, Greg *hugs*. You are such a wonderful blessing to me and I am so glad that we have been able to maintain our friendship over the years. I pray and trust that we always will, by the grace of God. You are very special to me. I love you. :)

~Linda~

Teachable Moments

As I drove down the road to the grandkids' birthday party this afternoon, I recognized a minor incident that had just taken place, as a teachable moment.

You know how as parents we often find moments where we can teach our children about life, about growing up, about all sorts of things? I've often done this with with my own kids. I believe those moments to be special, perhaps, even inspired in some way.

I stopped at the gas station (so I didn't run out of gas, that wouldn't be good!) and while my brother went to pay and pump the gas for me, I noticed some sort of bug flying around in the car. I didn't recognize it as a bee but I didn't get a great look at it either so I don't really know what it was. Next thing I know I felt it sting me in the neck. And, it hurt like heck!

Whatever it was, didn't stick around after it stung me. Nevertheless, it left it's mark. You could see the prick mark and it immediately started swelling. We carried on toward the party at the park and God spoke to my heart. I wasn't expecting Him to especially in this of all things!

He said to me that sometimes we don't see the sting coming so we aren't prepared for it when it hits. It attacks and we never even see it leave but the effects of it's sting can be very real and tangible. It hurts. It stings. It burns. It swells. It's uncomfortable. And once we feel it's venom, we realize the damage it's done.

The correlation between an unexpected sting of a pest and the unforeseeable sting of sin, are similar. Sometimes others attack us and we suffer the hurt. Sometimes, we do it to ourselves or to others and the pain remains, real.

But though the unexpected sting from a bug is painful, if not life threatening, we carry on undisturbed for the most part. Perhaps in some discomfort but not enough to run to the ER. The symptoms fade over time and we learn to adapt until eventually all symptoms are gone.

My neck is still slightly swollen, it's red and irritated, itchy, painful, etc. but the effects will most likely be gone by tomorrow. God who is our Balm of Gilead, treats our sting and removes the pain we experienced from it.

My Father loves me so much that He uses something as simple as a bug sting as a teachable moment in my life. Shows me that I am much like Him in ways that aren't merely anthropomorphic. I am very thankful.

I do have more thoughts but I'm too tired to convey them at the moment. So, I'll save them for next time. :) ...

Love, Lock & Live

Love, Lock & Live. The 3 core values of my church....and they are challenging to say the least. Love God and love others. Lock Arms. And Live openhandedly.

Today's service was about the various motivations behind our giving, whether it be of our time, talents or treasures. We were invited to inspect our hearts and what motivates us to be generous. There are 3 incentives that typically influence us to give.

1. Giving out of duty.
2. Giving to get something back.
3. Giving out of love.

Giving out of duty is rooted in guilt and shame, which is what we often feel when we fail to give. It isn't motivated by a pure desire to do it for others, rather out of a sense of obligation to others.

As my pastor said, oftentimes when we pry open our fingers to live openhandedly toward others, we are hoping God will put something in our hand to replace it. And He may do that, but the motive there is not giving out of love but rather giving out of expectation.

While giving for either of these reasons is better then not giving at all...there is a far greater reason for giving of ourselves. Love. If we are motivated to give when there is no guilt, shame, obligation or expectation then we are free to give out of a pure care, concern, selflessness and love.

When we do so, we do reap treasures but they are spiritual. We die to self and live for God.

1 Timothy 6:17-19 As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy. They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is truly life.

I thank God today that I sit under the wonderful covering of an imperfect pastor who challenges us, while also being challenged himself. I thank God that His call to love Him and love others, causes us to be confronted with our deepest and worst enemy...ourselves. God, please change my heart so that I can take hold of that which is truly life.

Beauty For Ashes Journal

I've been through a lot recently and I am considering writing about some very painful things here in my blog as I examine my past abuse and wounds. A wonderful friend has helped me tremendously by offering great advice, a listening ear and by following God's instruction in guiding me to read Isaiah 61:1-3. We discussed in depth vs 3 and what those things that God said He was going to do in Zion meant, and how it applies to me today. I'm very thankful for him and for his compassionate heart. He knows who he is. :)

Isaiah 61:1-3 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion—to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.

If I will give God my mourning, He will exchange it for gladness. If I give God my heaviness/depression, He will give me the garment of praise so that, I can be rooted and grounded like a strong tree. I'm finding He is doing just that.

God has perfect timing and just about a week later, this book was recommended to me by a counselor I began seeing. She suggested that I keep a journal and write down any emotions, thoughts, physical reactions, etc. that I feel as I read. So if I get adventurous, I may decide to have a paper journal and an online journal recording those things.

I read the Introduction today and it sounds like it may be very beneficial to me in learning how to deal with past abuse. At the end of the introduction she did quote my favorite bible passage or what I've heard termed "life verse" which is "Hebrews 11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him."

I know this will be painful. I know I will cry. A lot. I know that it will be for my good. Jesus said that even the branches that bear fruit will be pruned, so that they can bear more fruit. I trust God to prune me with tenderness and love.

Defining Moments

My church just finished a great series called Defining Moments. They did this series last year also and it had a tremendous impact on my life, both times. Each of the pastors shared a personal testimony of a defining moment in their life. A moment that changed the trajectory of their lives.

You can listen to both series' here (dated 8/16-9/6, '09 and 7/11- 8/1, '10):

http://kensingtonchurch.org/messages/index.php

They surveyed some local folks on the street and asked them if they had had any defining moments or if they thought that everyone does have defining moments. Some said yes they had and yes they think everyone does. Others said they had but didn't think everyone does, etc. It was an interesting thing to see people's thoughts on the issue.

I believe we all have defining moments. Some may be larger than life. Some so seemingly insignificant that we may not even be aware that we have them. But I think we do. Things transpire in our world, we make difficult decisions, life happens and each of us are faced with making choices that affect the course of our future.

I believe I have lots of defining moments. Some pretty darn big ones. Some scary ones. Some happy ones. I write about some of them here, in my blog, to reflect on them. Sometimes I find great clarity in just allowing my fingers to unleash the flow of emotion and thoughts which encompass my heart at the time I experienced whatever event I'm describing. Whether a good or bad thing, I cannot say for I do not know. But I do it anyway.

In the very near future, I am going to be exploring some very deep, dark places from my past and I may write about them if I'm not too emotionally drained. As I explore those places, I will find a few things which have defined who I am today. I imagine it will be very painful but I absolutely feel it is necessary... and no doubt, these will be some moments which define who I will become.

What are some of your defining moments?

Till then ... peace.

In His Arms

Like an infant without knowledge or understanding in knowing how to express their needs, who cries out for someone/anyone to hear and answer and to be comforted..... I weep bitterly.

I fell asleep exhausted after having spent every ounce of energy, in tears of great agony and sorrow. Despair!

He holds me close even when I cannot utter words to seek for consolation and comfort. I lay in His arms and groan in pain, my heart longs to see the end of suffering. I cling to Him in my solitude.

Injustice reigns but for a moment. Tears eventually subside as He wipes them away and He turns our mourning into joy. I long for that day... I know it is coming.

Psalm 57

Calloused Heart

I briefly sat examining the hands which have seen a great deal of hard labor over the years. I touched and felt the ridges, cracks, hardness, desensitization, as well as the power and strength of the calloused hands.... and wondered exactly what harshness had they seen? What bumps, bruises, scrapes and pain had those hands experienced that brought them to the place of being able to see the visible effects?

Later I sat and contrasted my own hands with his. Hands that had not seen harshness, or much difficulty...hands that were soft, supple and undamaged by hard work. It was then that God taught me a spiritual lesson through tangible means. That though my callouses may not be as visible, they are just as real. And just as pronounced in some ways.

As I sit here typing, I recall many years ago when I had been hurt deeply and wounded greatly, in love. And I remember thinking that I never wanted to take another risk on love because it hurt so gloriously when it failed. But somehow (I didn't know then but I do now) I didn't allow those fears to hinder the thought that love could be true. That it was still possible.

My heart has been bumped, bruised, scraped, cut, bleeding, stepped on, crushed. It has seen great harshness and has wept bitterly but unlike the callouses on his hands, I'm not desensitized. My heart may still be fragile in some ways, but I still believe that all the pain, all the hurt was for a reason and that it's ok to still hope in love.

My heart knows a God who treats my wounds. He tenderly cleans them. He gently tends to my cuts, scrapes and brings healing. He loves me. And because He has shown me what true love looks like, I can begin to love Him and others as He loves me.

Lord, thank you for preventing my heart from hardening altogether. Thank you for keeping my heart soft enough to hope and for tearing away at any form of wall or barrier that has crept in over the years. Thank you for not allowing the callouses on my heart to prevent me from loving. Thank you for keeping me from being embittered. Father, where I fail in loving others as I should, please forgive me. Help me to love even those that aren't easy to love. The desire is there but I need your help.

And thank you for the spiritual revelation that you have given me, for the reminder that just like the hands that labor in various ways in the world...that each of us have been in painful places and our circumstances have caused callouses of the heart that you indeed, can heal.

Amen!

Who Am I?

Tear stained cheeks were the first thing she noticed as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. She stood searching for quite some time, the image that she recognized, yet didn't. She examined the face, the tears, the soul of the individual who gazed back at her.

She searched the eyes of that individual for clues. Clues that would help her understand. Clues that would identify who she was. But nothing. Sure, she recognized the shell, the body although it was quite disfigured. She knew she was a daughter, a sister, a mother, a friend, a lover, a woman.....but she she didn't yet know herself.

So she asked the woman in the mirror, "Who are you?" No reply came. The hurt that was deep within escaped through more tears, confusion. anger and even hopelessness as she realized that all the convictions that defined her up to that point, were evading her now. She didn't know who the person looking back at her was because that person was living through and coping with things, she never imagined or knew how to break free from. Her face manifested the pain deep within as she wept ...her face distorted from the grief.

She seen the bruises, the swelling, the black eyes, the cuts, the evidence that the body had taken blows that it shouldn't. But that didn't affect her nearly as much as the thought of being lost forever. The thought of dying seemed comforting as it would end the search for answers and would bring freedom.

In her numbness, confusion, pain and suffering....she turned from the reflection in the mirror and pressed on into life, not knowing how things would go...but knowing that they must. That life carries on. It was then that she started to understand that the outside does not dictate who she is on the inside, in the heart and soul of our being. Rather we dictate who we are and she was ready to learn who she could be.

And her journey began.....

The Meaninglessness of Life

Sitting there watching as the fish swam about in their world, unaware of my presence and observing eye, I began to think deeply about the life of fish.

They were all busy doing what fish do. Some were chasing each other playfully. Some were picking at each other. Others were hiding in the dark crevices of their environment. Perhaps they too were observing. Perhaps.

Then my mind drifted back to a place and time about a week or so ago. I had gone to the store with my daughter who needed to get some things and I sat in the car while she went in. I don't much listen to music anymore so I was just sitting there by myself entertaining my own thoughts.

I watched the people coming and going in and out of the store. I am certain that most of them were unaware of my presence as I sat and searched their faces for traces of individuality and commonality. I'm not sure what I was looking for, really or how I'd find it. Maybe to see a glimpse of their stories written on their faces.

Some of them were smiling. Some frowning. I watched as people passed each other without speaking. One woman had a wonderful conversation with her little boy about what they were going to read together. Brought a huge smile to my face as that is something I thoroughly enjoy doing with my son.

I think it was because it was fairly warm out that day that so many people were out and about "doing life." And as I sat there, once again I asked myself (as I've often done in the past), what is the purpose of this? I began to feel sad while considering all the different levels of pain, suffering and brokenness ....that each individual surely experienced throughout their lives. It all seems so meaningless at times. Like whatever purpose there is for this world, it just seems hopeless. And in my mind I heard it clearly....and wept.

Ecclesiastes 1:13-14 And I applied my heart to seek and to search out by wisdom all that is done under heaven. It is an unhappy business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind.

And after feeling a very heavy burden for the striving after wind that we as humans do, I was filled with hope and peace knowing that despite how it seems on the outside, each one of us were created in the image of God and that there is a purpose to life that isn't vanity. That isn't hopeless. That isn't meaningless. I began to see that each face that passed had stories to tell of joy and happiness, laughter and love...beauty that we also are meant to experience.

And then I thought about my own life...how I too have stories of sorrow, sadness, brokenness and hopelessness. Stories of joy and love and playfulness that I have been blessed to enjoy. And I realized that while I am not impervious to sorrow in this life....I'm also not impervious to joy.

I sometimes see the world through "suffering colored glasses" and I wish I didn't. God gave me a heart to feel moved by suffering and I am sometimes overwhelmed and I am filled with similar thoughts as those of the author of Ecclesiastes. I believe though, that He did so that I might be moved with compassion.

Fish scurry. People scurry. Some hide in dark crevices for reasons I don't understand. Some chase each other playfully enjoying moments of fun. Some pick at each other because their personalities clash.

Atheists have often suggested that a life lived in faith in things not seen, is meaningless. I beg to differ. For me a life lived without God is just existing...doing what humans do. But a life lived with God, and all that it entails...IS living!

Romans 6:17-18

Romans 6:17-18 But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. ~ESV

While I cannot claim with any certainty that I understand fully what this passage and/or any other scriptures truly mean....I can say that I have better clarity on this today than I have ever in the past.

I am very thankful to God who has delivered me from all sorts of sin, brokenness and suffering and has given me a new heart which desires to be obedient to his perfect teachings and principles about loving Him and loving others...which frees me to be a slave to righteousness. I cannot tell you how my heart swells up within me in gratitude because He has shown me what living really means and it's not just breathing in air or experiencing the ebbs and flows of physically existing and appreciating the world around us (although we do those things too and I appreciate them)...but that there truly is great joy in living life in such a way that we have a cause and that being to emulate Christ which brings contentment and peace despite our circumstances.

~The attimeister~

Eyes: Window to the Soul

We've all heard the old saying that "The eyes are the window to the soul" and I have always believed there to be some truth to that statement. I was reminded of that reality in a peculiar way yesterday and have been reflecting on it since.

We had been hearing on the news of this big snow advisory that we were gonna have yesterday starting around noon. So I decided to run all my errands early before the snow started. After making my way to all the various stores, I was walking to my car preparing to head home. As I was approaching my car I noticed an elderly gentleman walking toward the store, whose path I would soon be crossing.

As our eyes briefly met and I was forming the words to say hello, he turned his gaze away from me and in a split second I became aware that he was not interested in hellos or any sort of conversation at all. Thus, I also turned my gaze away and we walked past each other in silence.

A few things actually entered my mind as I got in my car and drove off toward home. I wondered how it is that we've come to a place and time in society that we close ourselves off from friendly interaction, if only for a moment in passing? I thought about how things have changed over the years of my life in relation to this issue. I wondered how it must have been living in different eras of history. Truth be told (and don't laugh because if you're anywhere near my age, you will know exactly what I'm talking about LOL) I thought about how television depicted a much friendlier and sociable time in The Little House on the Prairie. Everyone said hello in passing. Everyone smiled or greeted each other in those days.

I felt a pang of guilt because I didn't simply smile and say hello to this man anyway. And then I was brought back in memory to several extremely difficult times in my past where the mere hello, smile or positive comments of a stranger pierced through my rough exterior or the false strength I was attempting to portray when deep inside I was an emotional wreck. I learned the power that kindness, compassion and friendliness could have on a very troubled soul.

I remember one time probably nearly two decades ago, I was walking into a local grocery store and had just had a violent encounter with my (now) ex. I wasn't aware that the expression on my face revealed my inner emotional turmoil until a stranger looked me dead in my eye with a huge smile on his face and said "Smile, it can't be that bad." I remember smiling back at him halfheartedly while silently thinking that he couldn't possibly know.

A couple of years later I was in school (I attended adult ed for 4 years to obtain my diploma) one morning and took a break to go to the restroom. While washing my hands and preparing to go back to class, one of my teachers entered the restroom. It was a small ladies room and as she entered and said hello, her eyes met my eyes and she smiled and asked how I was doing. My eyes dropped and I could not look her in her eye and pretend. Her inquiry was innocent and I'm sure she was not prepared (nor was I) for the emotion it unleashed. That morning, just an hour or two prior our meeting, my ex furiously strangled me while laying on top of my 7 & 1/2 month pregnant belly. I don't know what stopped him. Perhaps it was the realization for him that I was loosing consciousness. It was for me though, all I could take. I finally came to the conclusion that I could not keep living the way I was and I ended our relationship.

As I considered those past events in my life I wondered if that is why we in our society so often turn away our glance when we are about to cross paths with others? Are we hiding our pain? Our fear? Our hurt? Are we so weak that we run from any minute threat of vulnerability to transparency? These are certainly possibilities. Everyone's story is different. Each of us struggle with difficulties in life. We all experience pain and suffering, fear and doubt....and we all try to hide the fact that we do...until someone looks into the window of our soul.