Family Gatherings, Building Relationships and Closure

Lately I've had a few. And I thank God for them. It's been a desire of mine to try to bring my family closer together for a few years now. Despite my efforts, it hasn't been an easy task unfortunately.

I mentioned in my last blog that I met with some family members on my dad's side that I didn't really know much about. I had met them when I was younger and once or twice since I've grown up but there hasn't been any real contact with them partly due to my busy life and perhaps partly due to uncertainty about how to approach the issue.

I have been very pleasantly surprised to have my cousin Mary reach out to me and my family and encourage building relationships. I personally view this as answer to prayer.

So, my girls and I went to lunch at her house (she actually lives closer than I thought) where I met with all of her sisters with the exception of one. We spent a few hours laughing, talking, learning about each other, looking at photo albums and having a great time while eating some good food. Who could ask for more?

There were a few moments of sadness as some painful family issues came up and I cried a few tears. I think mostly because some of the things I've tried hard not to believe about my father (who I did not know much about) I learned, were true. They did tell me that my dad was also a good, kind man who would help anyone who needed help which allowed me to see him through their eyes.

As we were finishing up our conversations and as some of the sisters were leaving, Mary brought out a box that she had set aside as a keepsake box just for me. She opened it and began showing me the items inside. There were some doilies, handkerchiefs, china items, papers, books that had been my dad's when he was a young boy, the guest book from my father's funeral, and his wedding ring. Not sure it is the wedding ring he exchanged with my mom or not as he had a prior marriage...but it's not really important although I would like to believe it's from his marriage to my mom.

I have very few memories of my father. Some of them, not so good. But I will not focus on those here. I will share a couple of the good ones. I remember him picking up my brother and I and taking us to a local fair. I remember him taking us to a Thanksgiving Day Parade. I remember that when I told him that I was a young, pregnant, unwed mother I don't remember him exhibiting disgust or disdain for me although he was disappointed in my choices, understandably. And when I was in the hospital giving birth to my first child, he set aside his differences with my mom and he came to be there with me. I was shocked actually.

He did get to see and hold his first grandchild ...the only one he would ever meet face to face as he passed 2 years later, just after the birth of my second. I can only imagine that had we had more time together as adults, I would have learned the kind of man he was. I think I wept more for that reason at his funeral than any other.

A few days ago I had my mom, my siblings and my kids here for a family gathering as well. We grilled some good food and enjoyed each other's company. After I took my mom home I sat down with my only full blood brother from my mom and dad (my other brother was here too though) and shared the events of that day.

He is very bitter. Perhaps there are valid reasons for some of what he's feeling. I'm trying not to be judgmental about it. I'm not trying to convince him not to feel what he feels. But I have encouraged him to let it go and forgive. He's not ready. And I believe that it's only by the grace of God that I have been able to forgive my mom and dad and yes, even God, for the tragic events and suffering of our youth. It is my prayer that God will begin that work in my brother also so that he can be free from the hurt, the pain and the brokenness.

I know that there are still negative effects of the brokenness my family endured which manifest in my life in various ways. But as God reveals those things to me, painful as they are, He also comforts me with the love a broken earthly father and mother could never produce. And I am so thankful for the closure that He has given me on this issue. There is more work to be done, no doubt. And there are relationships that need building and repairing and healing that needs to take place. And I trust with all of my heart that my God and my Father will indeed guide me through it all.

I am learning what a father is supposed to be by observing what the only Father I've ever really known, does. :)