Legacy

Yes, it's a topic I reflect on from time to time in my heart and mind. Not entirely sure why. Perhaps it's because I am reminded of just how quickly life can end, this time of year. Today perhaps, it's because I'm allowing myself to unpack some of the emotional reaction to the shooting in CT. Surely my response to Yahoo chat discontinuing, plays a part in my reflections as well. Not to mention that I sometimes consider my own mortality and how I would like for my kids, grandkids and those I knew, to remember me when my time comes. Yes, that is pretty morbid I realize, but it is what it is. My thoughts here will definitely be fragmented but thanks for bearing with me through it.


As Yahoo chat came to an end December 14th, I felt a great sense of relief that a season of my life is over and new chapters can be written. I made amends with those that I felt I needed to. Others, nothing need be said.

I wrote on my Facebook page a month and a day prior to chat closing "As someone who has spent a great portion of the last decade of my life addicted to the internet via Christian chat rooms, I know very well how the author of this video (it was a video about being addicted to WoW) feels about having wasted so much time. We can't get it back folks. Real life has so much more to offer. And I'm committed to finding out just how much more!" 


I used to read the etchings in the metal on the park slide in my neighborhood growing up....."(So and so) was here but now they're gone. They left their name to carry on. Those who knew them, knew them well. Those who didn't, can go to hell!" (I don't believe in an eternal conscious torment btw).

I don't believe those words were meant to address the person who has died but one who has moved on in life. But those are actually pretty powerful words nonetheless. In what way have we impacted our family, our neighborhood, those at the park where we grew up, the world? Do those that know us, know us well? Did we take the time to reveal ourselves to them? Did we take the time to know them just as intimately as we wish to be known?

If I were to pass from the tent that my spirit dwells in today, what would my legacy be? I know what I would want it to be. But if I were to ask others, my family, my children, my friends, acquaintances, and even those that consider me an enemy....what kind of person was atti2dchic? Some might have some wonderful things to say. Others, I'm afraid and ashamed to hear what many of them would say.

Just like our story, our journey, the book detailing who we are, is open to be written, so is our legacy. With God's help, perhaps I can leave a legacy that I can live with and be content with. For, for all eternity, I will have to....

Miss Read

Coming to some very hard realizations about who I am and how the people around me perceive me to be. It seems many if not most, cannot see me for who I am inside because of their perception of me which they view as harmful to them in some way. Or, as it was put to me earlier, "I become something which takes away from them." That is not ever who I want to be or how I want to be read but, I suppose I am a very odd book that is mysterious and misunderstood. That explains the majority of my life and my relationship failures. The realization of these things, hurts. And that really, really sucks.

Melancholy

Been listening to some very melancholy music by Michael Jackson this evening and weeping.

Earth Song
Man In The Mirror
Cry
Heal The World

Wishing there was more I could do to heal the world. I'm sad. Thinking back a few weeks/months and reflecting as I type....the suffering I am aware of in the world even as I read, What Does God Expect Of Us? The Hole in Our Gospel and how reading that book affected me greatly. And how little I can do to change anything.

I don't have practical solutions to the world's problems or the suffering that takes place every day. But I do desire to be actively involved in doing something to alleviate it. As an encourager, I suppose I'm feeling very inadequate to accomplish anything to help... and my heart is aching over that.

Our world is hurting. We are broken individuals. I, am broken. You, are broken. God is the only Solution that can truly transform anything or anyone. Without Him, we are absolutely helpless to make a difference. God help us! Help me! Help me not to be indifferent or selfish or to turn a blind eye to suffering....but Lord, please help me to know my limitations as well as my potential and help me to "do", not just "feel". Feeling doesn't help. Doing does.

~Broken~

Words That Have Meaning!

Words....letters on a piece of paper, sentences that we construct, and various other forms of communication that convey the things we think and feel about numerous topics. 

I'm sitting here considering some amazing conversations I've had recently with my friend Mike, and just how important words are. I can be a very analytical woman when attempting to understand other people's usage of words, and as well as my own. 

I'm not the most educated woman in the English language but I do have a great desire to communicate effectively. Sometimes that is difficult because of differing tongues, dialects, definitions of words and applications to name a few reasons. It's easy to misunderstand and be misunderstood.

I remember recently during the Tear it Down series at my church. A profound point my pastor made about the process of tearing down walls is that we should  "seek to understand before we seek to be understood." That was an excellent point that I'm taking to heart. 

I'd like to, in brief, contrast two situations that occurred recently in my life where communication failed. One was this past week when I attempted to talk with Asia about some things that we need to work on in our relationship. I tend to get very frustrated with my kids sometimes, because quite frankly, they hear the words that I'm saying and interpret them so differently than I'm meaning them. And I bet they would say that I do the same.

I wonder sometimes if it is simply because we lack the patience to listen to the person's intent and so we impose our own intent upon their words? Now lest I be misunderstood, I think we all fail to find the words to adequately express exactly what's going on inside of our hearts and minds from time to time. Plus,  some people are just better orators than others. And some like me, are just being loquacious. LOL!

Back to my examples...   during my conversation with Asia, I realized that she was misinterpreting my words because she would tell me that I was saying things that were nowhere close to what I was saying. And I do try to be pretty concise with my words. Whenever I would attempt to clarify she would once again tell me that I was saying something other than what I meant. It may have been a failure on my part that I need to work on, and I intend to!

Another conversation was with a friend where we are just beginning to learn each other so we don't have the history behind us to really know how the other thinks and expresses their thoughts yet, so there is a lot of room for miscommunication still. And miscommunication we had! I think we both walked away from that dialogue feeling a bit misunderstood and disappointed. Inevitably that happens when communication breaks down.

In both of these instances, for whatever reasons, each of us walked away hurt, disappointed, rejected or whatever. And I have no doubt none of us would have foreseen that or desired that. And even after the fact, I doubt that any of us are content with that.

The scriptures tell us that our words have the ability to kill and destroy or to create life. Words are so much more than just letters on a page or sounds that we utter. They do indeed convey our deepest innermost thoughts and feelings on subjects but they are Oh so much more than that!

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to try again to have a conversation with my friend and to find understanding between us. And thankfully, I believe we have done that. We found life in our words and I'm thrilled about that. I thank God for that.

Unfortunately, I sense that it is going to take much more effort and time, expression and listening skills for Asia and I to find a mutual understanding. But it is my prayer that our interactions would never leave us dead inside....lifeless. And I know that God cares about these things so I expect them to change.

May we all endeavor to be slow to speak a quick to listen (James 1:19) so that we don't become angry and sin in our anger. 

Love and blessings,

~Linda~

Kinda Quiet

I've been kinda quiet lately while I recuperate from my surgery. It went very well and I'm actually feeling great! I'm still unable to bear any weight on my foot and that will be the case for a few more weeks. That's expected. 


In the meantime, I've been spending a good portion of my time, reading and studying the scriptures. Some of the time I've spent watching tv, chatting, talking on the phone. Life can get pretty lonely when you can't get out and live it. So I've been reflecting a lot on that lately. I want to be able to live life to it's fullest. 


Now, by no means does that look like sky diving, bungee jumping, becoming a famous musician (though I have always wished I could sing), or anything out of the ordinary. Afterall, I am in my 40's, heh! But what does it mean, practically? What did Jesus mean when he uttered these words? 


John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.


I'm no biblical scholar but I do think his words had something to do with having a deep and abiding love for God and for others and the rich rewards that living out one's faith, brings. I think he taught in other places that to do for others, to serve others and to live selflessly gave believers a tremendous sense of purpose. And I'm ready to really jump into life with both feet (pun intended) and see where God takes me. To meet the people that He wants me to serve and to live life to the fullest.


~The Attimeister~