The Dance

He pulled me close. So close that I'm not sure where his body ended and where mine began. As he enveloped me, he sweetly enticed me to follow his lead....

Back and forth we moved to the deep seductive, rhythmic beat. Mesmerized by each other's touch, movement and motion we swayed, twirled and dipped, completely drinking in this energetic intimacy.

Slowly at times. At others with a fervency of instinctual, animalistic passion. Our hearts raced as our excitement elevated! 

With breathtakingly beauty and exhilarating intensity, we danced. Our heartbeats lost in the oneness of each other, we dared to let ourselves be captive to the moment, unaware that a new partner would eventually come to interrupt... ripping us apart, leaving us bewildered and aching!

As wonderfully as the dance began, is as devastating as it ended. The dance itself enthralling and it's pull, so especially compelling that we'd do it again if afforded the opportunity because we long to be one, once again.

~Linda~

Passion!

With it's ability to set us ablaze with hunger, it can overcome us with great power. A deep, lingering, tongue twisting kiss! Enveloping arms, caressing touch! Every movement awakening that within which makes the senses swirl and surroundings disappear. Beckoning sensuality. Oh how wonderful passion is!

Sehnsucht: The Inconsolable Longing

How do you describe something that you cannot even truly understand or wrap your mind around? Especially a profound, deeply intense and lasting, insatiable "longing." In a word, Sehnsucht. It's a German word which I learned about several years ago though I've experienced it off and on my entire life.

Wikipedia says this about Sehnsucht:

"It is sometimes felt as a longing for a far-off country, but not a particular earthly land which we can identify. Furthermore there is something in the experience which suggests this far-off country is very familiar and indicative of what we might otherwise call "home". In this sense it is a type of nostalgia, in the original sense of that word. At other times it may seem as a longing for a someone or even a something. But the majority of people who experience it are not conscious of what or who the longed for object may be, and the longing is of such profundity and intensity that the subject may immediately be only aware of the emotion itself and not cognizant that there is a something longed for."

This craving that I experience is so compelling, that I've sought out how to fulfill it through various people, places and means (some healthy, many others not so much) over the course of my lifetime. Obviously to no avail. With it, for me at least, comes a deep sadness and an emotional stagnancy that I wish I knew how to rectify, as it can feel quite crippling. Alas, I do not! 

I have come to believe that this profound longing is a hunger, thirst and yearning that only intimacy with God can satiate (though human intimacy can mimic it on a very small scale). With eager anticipation, I wish I might have that passion appeased....but I'm all too aware of the implications.

Until that time comes when it is my joy to go home, or unless and until He pacifies me here on earth, I will remain at times....

~Inconsolable~

Trolling Atheists

You do your own ideology and others holding it, a huge disservice. Yeah, it's all fun and games and you laugh, mock and degrade Christians but anyone who seriously wants to engage with others has no need to mock them. A valid point stands on it's own merit. If you have to demean others you either have no valid arguments that stand on their own, or you aren't wise enough to engage respectfully. Sure, others will laugh right along with you but that does not make you right. It just makes them just as incompetent or as immature as you are.

Resistance is Futile!

How is it that I find myself here once again? Angry, hurt, broken. I'm simply undone. I know how I got here and I'm ashamed to admit it. But they say confession is good for the soul, yes? Not only that but God is merciful to forgive us when we confess too. So, confession time it is!

I'm so full of myself that I think I can get others to listen to my advice. It's good advice, and I'm not saying that in arrogance ...it's just honestly good advice. Nevertheless, it is advice that falls on deaf ears. And try as I might, I cannot open ears.

Sometimes people have to learn difficult lessons through difficult circumstances. I wish it wasn't like that but it is. I have learned many difficult and painful lessons by having to go through something that I didn't have to go through. I was stubborn. Yes, believe it or not, I am definitely stubborn.

The last several days I've been angry. Angry at people that I can help but they won't listen. And the last several days God has been whispering to my heart to let Him fight this battle. It's His to fight, not mine. I don't have to be strong. I don't have to be the voice of reason. I don't have to fix things for others. He's big enough to do all of that without me.

I was really not feeling like going to church today (and I didn't decide till the last minute to go)...but the new series is titled Finding God in Unlikely Places. Today's specific service was titled Finding God on the Battlefield. LOL! Oh the irony!

My battlefield at the moment, isn't the battle to save my daughter from making downright asinine decisions. My battle isn't to fix my son's bad grades in school. Though I do need to guide my children in these areas, I am not going to be able to win these wars. These are His battles. My battle is simply to let Him fight the battles that aren't mine to fight. Yes, I do have real battles to fight. But my battles are exclusive to me and my journey. Instead of trying to ride in on a white horse and save the day, today, I'm asking (as did the apostle Paul when he was yet Saul), who are you Lord? And, what do you want me to do?

It's futile for me to try to get others to listen. I surrender to the fact that I am incapable of making anything right and good and neatly packaged with a big red bow on top. I am going to do my very best to simply stop resisting the truth, and yield to reality. It won't be easy...but I do think it will be worth it.

Legacy

Yes, it's a topic I reflect on from time to time in my heart and mind. Not entirely sure why. Perhaps it's because I am reminded of just how quickly life can end, this time of year. Today perhaps, it's because I'm allowing myself to unpack some of the emotional reaction to the shooting in CT. Surely my response to Yahoo chat discontinuing, plays a part in my reflections as well. Not to mention that I sometimes consider my own mortality and how I would like for my kids, grandkids and those I knew, to remember me when my time comes. Yes, that is pretty morbid I realize, but it is what it is. My thoughts here will definitely be fragmented but thanks for bearing with me through it.


As Yahoo chat came to an end December 14th, I felt a great sense of relief that a season of my life is over and new chapters can be written. I made amends with those that I felt I needed to. Others, nothing need be said.

I wrote on my Facebook page a month and a day prior to chat closing "As someone who has spent a great portion of the last decade of my life addicted to the internet via Christian chat rooms, I know very well how the author of this video (it was a video about being addicted to WoW) feels about having wasted so much time. We can't get it back folks. Real life has so much more to offer. And I'm committed to finding out just how much more!" 


I used to read the etchings in the metal on the park slide in my neighborhood growing up....."(So and so) was here but now they're gone. They left their name to carry on. Those who knew them, knew them well. Those who didn't, can go to hell!" (I don't believe in an eternal conscious torment btw).

I don't believe those words were meant to address the person who has died but one who has moved on in life. But those are actually pretty powerful words nonetheless. In what way have we impacted our family, our neighborhood, those at the park where we grew up, the world? Do those that know us, know us well? Did we take the time to reveal ourselves to them? Did we take the time to know them just as intimately as we wish to be known?

If I were to pass from the tent that my spirit dwells in today, what would my legacy be? I know what I would want it to be. But if I were to ask others, my family, my children, my friends, acquaintances, and even those that consider me an enemy....what kind of person was atti2dchic? Some might have some wonderful things to say. Others, I'm afraid and ashamed to hear what many of them would say.

Just like our story, our journey, the book detailing who we are, is open to be written, so is our legacy. With God's help, perhaps I can leave a legacy that I can live with and be content with. For, for all eternity, I will have to....

Miss Read

Coming to some very hard realizations about who I am and how the people around me perceive me to be. It seems many if not most, cannot see me for who I am inside because of their perception of me which they view as harmful to them in some way. Or, as it was put to me earlier, "I become something which takes away from them." That is not ever who I want to be or how I want to be read but, I suppose I am a very odd book that is mysterious and misunderstood. That explains the majority of my life and my relationship failures. The realization of these things, hurts. And that really, really sucks.