Wonderful reminders of beauty and God's glory

Been meaning to write about this but life sometimes can be so chaotic that I never manage to find the time. Ironically, it's why I'm writing about this. LOL!

The last few months (years really) have been rushed, chaotic and downright overwhelming at times. Doctor appointments, church, school events, family crisis, everyday living ... each somehow seem to cause one day to blur into another quite frequently. The holiday season beginning with the preparation for Thanksgiving always compounds the hustle and bustle which goes throughout the new year. It's common to all of us who celebrate these holidays, I think. And don't get me wrong, I love the season (minus the snow and winter chill, doh!) and all that it entails. It's just that sometimes when I'm running around from morning till night, I find that my patience wears thin (especially dealing with holiday traffic and crowds) and I can get quite irritable by the time I get home and my body is begging me for rest which it may or may not get depending on what still needs to get done.

So Tuesday night after a very long day I came home to find an unexpected beautiful array of roses waiting for my loving touch. In that moment, I was reminded of the beauty of flowers, the wonderful scents and the need to slow down and be filled with the wonders of God's creation, no matter how busy life gets.

Greg, you always somehow seem to know exactly what I need and your timing is impeccable! Thank you for the beautiful gift of beauty and the reminder to enjoy the world around me. I don't have a camera anymore (mine broke after my grandson was born :( ) or I would take a picture once they all bloom and share my joy with you. They are just beginning to open up and they are so pretty. Thank you, friend. *hugs*

~Appreciative~

Challenge Week 2

"Find a way to give generously and sacrificially of your time or money. You don't have to start up a non profit organization or spend a fortune but if someone asks you for a few bucks on the street, or help with a move, don't say no or make up an excuse. Try saying yes. Find a way to respond generously and don't worry about the results.

You can keep your eyes open for an opportunity (they're everywhere), or plan in advance for how you want to complete this challenge. Either way, do it this week- remember, this can be simple - and you don't have to wait for someone to ask you to do something for them."

This passage is based on Luke 6:30-31 & Matthew 5:42.

This too is something God has been dealing with my heart on a various times and various ways for many years. Recently I came across a couple of blogs by John Piper that have really resonated within me and I'll share them here: http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/2027_i_have_not_always_obeyed_this_command/ and http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/2031_give_to_the_one_who_begs_from_you_part_2/

I believe God has brought me to a place that I'm supposed to give without questioning the motives of the one begging. Within reason, of course. I mean if someone were to ask for drugs, I don't suggest we should run to the nearest crack house and hook them up. But if they are hungry or have healthy physical, emotional or spiritual needs that we can meet, I believe we should.

I was convinced that this challenge would be easy since I am very convicted of this truth. Man, was I wrong!

I have prayed that God would provide the opportunity/ies for me to fulfill this week's challenge. Which I think is a great prayer. I should have been also praying that He would help me to trust Him more to complete it.

Yesterday, I picked my mom up to bring her to my place for dinner. I was missing one of the key ingredients so I had to stop at the store on the way home. I knew we only had a couple of hours to get home, cook, eat and stuff before I would have to have her back home.

So, on the way out of the store there was a woman who stopped us and asked if either of us smoked or had a cigarette. Well, I don't smoke and for about 10 years or so now my mom has not smoked. We simply told her we didn't smoke and I apologized for not being able to meet her need (which I realize is not a healthy need). I certainly wasn't going to go buy her a pack of cigarettes! So, all is good so far.

We started to walk away and head to the car. But the woman kept talking to us as we were the only people around. She was saying something to the effect of really needing a cigarette badly and how she was stranded. Yup, stranded.

Immediately a hundred thoughts passed through my cerebral cavity all the while I kept walking slowly away. As I looked at her piercing eyes a huge part of me wanted to stop and do something. Anything. Something helpful. But, much to my shame, I did not. I walked to my car, got in and drove off.

As I was driving I thought about the pang of guilt I was experiencing and considered my options or in clearer terms, I began to make excuses. "I had my mom with me and we were on limited time" I told myself. "She didn't actually ask for something I could have provided and didn't" was another thought. It crossed my mind that I could have put myself and mom my at risk of danger by offering this woman a ride to..wherever.

And in the busyness of the evening I put it out of my mind and went on with my plans. We came home, made dinner together and had a great meal. We visited for a bit and then I took mom home. We had a great evening together.

Later when I was alone with me and God, I began to replay the event in my mind. Over and over again, I kept being drawn back to the look in her eyes as I walked away. I was reminded of the story of the good Samaritan. Something I was fully aware, that I was not.

I also was reminded of Hebrews 13:2 Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

....and I wept. I wept knowing that I failed. That although God has clearly taught me to help strangers, I am not as willing to obey as I thought. At least not without question. I wanted to help. I did. But I still made excuses. I'm not sure why. Could it have been that I feared taking risk? Possibly. Could it be that I simply didn't want to be confronted with it in the midst of my plans? Sure. Was it maybe that I prejudged this woman by her appearance? Perhaps.

I don't know exactly why I didn't respond how I think I should have. But I feel horrible about it. Not that I think He desires for me to feel horrible but that I know in my heart I could have done something and didn't. I know He loves me and forgives me for not responding in faith. But I pray that He give me another opportunity and that I won't waste it. That I won't be selfish. But that I will be willing to hear His voice and do as He asks.

Challenge Week 1

"Show some love to someone you think is undeserving of your favor. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture and it doesn't have to cost a cent. But it does have to be genuine and no strings attached."

This week's challenge did not come as a surprise to me when I got it (there were different challenges). It's something God has been speaking to my heart about for at least two years. Is it easy? By no means. But is it possible? To live in such a way that we can overcome our dislikes, prejudices, judgmental attitudes, etc. toward others and be so radical as to love them? Absolutely!

Jesus was our example in how to love selflessly. He regularly stressed living open-handedly and without expectation. How can we learn to do the same? By desperately relying on Him to change our hearts and give us opportunities to put the same principles into practice that Jesus did.

Jesus forgave those that were nailing him to a cross. He asked his Father to do the same. Are we willing to see them through the lens of love? Would we dare ask our Father to forgive those that would harm us? Those that would belittle us? Those that are combative, confrontational and provocative? Are we willing to do good to them as Jesus suggests?

Yeah, it's not so easy and I'm struggling with this to be honest. But God is changing my attitude toward the notion and I pray that He give me a heart that willfully obeys. The desire is there and He is and will bring the opportunities.

I won't share what I did to complete this week's challenge or to whom I did it to. I will say that it wasn't a grand gesture nor did it cost me anything. But it was sincere and it came with no expectations of anything in return. And the individual that I loved in a small way was surprised. Did they see God in it? Most likely not. But I am able to grow and become more like Him when I can try to see others as people of unsurpassable worth to a God who loves them.

Small Group

I recently joined a small group at church (my first time) and it's been really interesting so far. I am not allowed to share anyone elses personal information (nor would I want to) but I am allowed to share my own experiences.

The group is called Reset and we are attempting to reset our assumptions about Jesus and try to more fully grasp who he was through scripture reading, sharing personal insights, introspective homework and weekly challenges over the next six weeks. You can learn more about it here: http://kensingtonchurch.org/messages/

I've found it quite rewarding already and my weekly challenges (we've only had two so far) have both been on issues God has been speaking to me quite clearly about for a while now. I hope to share more about each in the next couple of blogs. Looking forward to being honest, reflective and transparent as I navigate through this journey.

~The Attimeister~

Numb and Depleted...Lord Replenish Me!

It's been a very difficult few weeks lately. Family emergencies, the death of my son's uncle, having company in town, back problems flaring up.... all have taken much of my time and energy and I'm feeling desperately depleted....even numb to some degree. And for anyone who knows me, that is not normal. I usually wear my heart on my sleeve (a blessing and a curse!) and will cry at a good Hallmark commercial. But lately I haven't been able to cry. It's not that I don't feel or experience emotion because I do. I just don't fully know why it's been this way.

I know I have been so busy that I haven't had much time for my spiritual needs and thus they have taken a back seat to the cares of the world. I do think that is probably the biggest reason for me feeling as I do. I also think that I have spent so much of the last 2 years taking care of everyone else's needs that I haven't had any time to really take care of my own. On occasion yes, but sometimes I'm bombarded with everyone else's problems and in the midst of that, God has guided me to do for others while He has taken care of mine (praise God!).

It's not that I don't desire to help others. I do. I take seriously Jesus' call to love God and love others as ourselves. And I strive to live my life with that attitude. Not only in thought but in action. I suppose I feel that I'm rarely if ever, replenished by other humans. And I know that in the grand scheme of things, that is not at all very important. So why does it affect me? I know that I have the greatest kind of love known to mankind given to me freely by the Creator of the Universe! Why is that sometimes not enough? I don't know the answers to that question. I suppose I'm lonely. I desire to be loved by my family, friends, even still desire to have the love of a man. It may be that I understand that we were not created to be alone but that we were designed to live in loving community and in commune with God and others. Yet my family is not that.

Yes, I am very grateful for my relationship with God and with those close friends in faith that I can experience that kind of relationship with. But it is not something I'm surrounded with. I know that I was in a place of isolation so that I could learn to lean on Him through anything and everything. I am certain that it's no different today...although I'm not as isolated as I once was.

May my Lord and my God teach me to live in constant communion with Him and may I become fully aware of His love and be joyful for that is such a great blessing. Lord, replenish me and open my eyes to see that where I feel I lack, you stand in the gap. Amen!

And wouldn't you know, now the tears come. :)

Family Gatherings, Building Relationships and Closure

Lately I've had a few. And I thank God for them. It's been a desire of mine to try to bring my family closer together for a few years now. Despite my efforts, it hasn't been an easy task unfortunately.

I mentioned in my last blog that I met with some family members on my dad's side that I didn't really know much about. I had met them when I was younger and once or twice since I've grown up but there hasn't been any real contact with them partly due to my busy life and perhaps partly due to uncertainty about how to approach the issue.

I have been very pleasantly surprised to have my cousin Mary reach out to me and my family and encourage building relationships. I personally view this as answer to prayer.

So, my girls and I went to lunch at her house (she actually lives closer than I thought) where I met with all of her sisters with the exception of one. We spent a few hours laughing, talking, learning about each other, looking at photo albums and having a great time while eating some good food. Who could ask for more?

There were a few moments of sadness as some painful family issues came up and I cried a few tears. I think mostly because some of the things I've tried hard not to believe about my father (who I did not know much about) I learned, were true. They did tell me that my dad was also a good, kind man who would help anyone who needed help which allowed me to see him through their eyes.

As we were finishing up our conversations and as some of the sisters were leaving, Mary brought out a box that she had set aside as a keepsake box just for me. She opened it and began showing me the items inside. There were some doilies, handkerchiefs, china items, papers, books that had been my dad's when he was a young boy, the guest book from my father's funeral, and his wedding ring. Not sure it is the wedding ring he exchanged with my mom or not as he had a prior marriage...but it's not really important although I would like to believe it's from his marriage to my mom.

I have very few memories of my father. Some of them, not so good. But I will not focus on those here. I will share a couple of the good ones. I remember him picking up my brother and I and taking us to a local fair. I remember him taking us to a Thanksgiving Day Parade. I remember that when I told him that I was a young, pregnant, unwed mother I don't remember him exhibiting disgust or disdain for me although he was disappointed in my choices, understandably. And when I was in the hospital giving birth to my first child, he set aside his differences with my mom and he came to be there with me. I was shocked actually.

He did get to see and hold his first grandchild ...the only one he would ever meet face to face as he passed 2 years later, just after the birth of my second. I can only imagine that had we had more time together as adults, I would have learned the kind of man he was. I think I wept more for that reason at his funeral than any other.

A few days ago I had my mom, my siblings and my kids here for a family gathering as well. We grilled some good food and enjoyed each other's company. After I took my mom home I sat down with my only full blood brother from my mom and dad (my other brother was here too though) and shared the events of that day.

He is very bitter. Perhaps there are valid reasons for some of what he's feeling. I'm trying not to be judgmental about it. I'm not trying to convince him not to feel what he feels. But I have encouraged him to let it go and forgive. He's not ready. And I believe that it's only by the grace of God that I have been able to forgive my mom and dad and yes, even God, for the tragic events and suffering of our youth. It is my prayer that God will begin that work in my brother also so that he can be free from the hurt, the pain and the brokenness.

I know that there are still negative effects of the brokenness my family endured which manifest in my life in various ways. But as God reveals those things to me, painful as they are, He also comforts me with the love a broken earthly father and mother could never produce. And I am so thankful for the closure that He has given me on this issue. There is more work to be done, no doubt. And there are relationships that need building and repairing and healing that needs to take place. And I trust with all of my heart that my God and my Father will indeed guide me through it all.

I am learning what a father is supposed to be by observing what the only Father I've ever really known, does. :)

Family Reunion of Sorts and Community

I was finally able to spend some time with my cousins on my dad's side of the family that I haven't seen but once (maybe twice, I don't remember) in the last 25-30 years. It was nice. We shared a lot of laughs a few tears, some good and some painful conversation. I may share more about that later....it's been an emotionally draining day. But a good one.

The Day Camp ended today and although we didn't get to stay for the ending (because of my family gathering), I know it was pretty cool. There are ample opportunities to reach out to our own communities if we only have the heart of a servant.

It comes as no surprise that God is showing me the importance of community while He's giving opportunities for healing in my family.

Lord, continue to press upon me the value of community, new opportunities to experience the family that I have not known and please bless me with a servant's heart. Amen.

Tired and Full

I am one exhausted lady tonight! I can hardly move I'm so sore. But I'm full. Not full because I've eaten food (although that's true too) but full of life at the moment.

I volunteered tonight at my local community center with many others from my church. Day camp for the underprivileged in my city. Although it was exhausting and all that, it was well worth it. I'm glad my daughter and I volunteered to help.

There was one little boy who wasn't supposed to be in my group but we allowed him to stay anyway. He didn't say much. He definitely stood out from the rest to me. He seemed to be heavy about something. I tried to engage him more because if that and he opened up a little and joined in the things we were doing. I don't know what it is he's going through, but I will be praying for him especially tonight. Whatever burdens this little boy has, may he look to God. And may God look over little Tyrese and help him in whatever troubles he's facing. Lord give him comfort.

This is what loving others is all about. I pray that I'm able to help out again tomorrow. And I pray that what we're doing has an impact here.

The Judgment/Restoration of God

God placed a few passages into my mind the other night in response to a plea for help in a hopeless moment. Each of them expressed God's sovereignty, power, mercy and protection.

As I pray for my daughter, granddaughter and unborn grandchild, God spoke clearly to my heart that He is going to come and judge the situation. That He does not stand back forever and allow oppression and abuse. And in the end He will bring good from it.

As I look back over my life I can see the ways where He was working to free me from abuse. And I can definitely see where He's been working in my daughter's life...even if she's not ready yet.

I believe I've come to the place where I can see God's judgments as the ways He is busy going about restoring the world to Himself, to health and to peace.

I have many more thoughts circling through my mind but this really is all that need be said:

Lord, come quickly!

Loving Unconditionally and Letting Go

Struggling between letting someone I love go, and loving them unconditionally. And I'm not sure I know the difference or if there even is one. I believe God loves radically and unconditionally yet at the same time, I see Him turning over His people to reprobation, chastising them and being angry with them. Does He stop loving them? I don't think so. I think it probably breaks His heart to withdraw His blessings from them. He does this perfectly. I'm not Him. I know my limits. I understand to some degree why I struggle. Where does He draw the line? Where do we? Do we even? How do you begin to love unconditionally?

I don't know the answers to some of these questions but I have the desire to love unconditionally, in my heart. At least sometimes. My heart is breaking and I'm in a place where I have to figure it all out in a very short time. I certainly hope that I can.

At the moment, all I can do is cry out to the One who knows how to love unconditionally, to teach me what that looks like and ask Him to help me to be transformed because the desire alone is not sufficient.

God help me!

Merry-Go-Rounds and The Effects of Sin

Took the family to the park and had an incident where my 2 year old granddaughter Sharai got sick from spinning on the merry-go-round.

At first she didn't really notice the motion because it was new and fascinating to her. It didn't seem to affect her as she laughed and giggled and wanted more. After a few more spins, she started to look a little discomforted so Chantaé stopped the merry-go-round to let her get off. But she didn't want to get off. She didn't realize the danger that lie ahead if she continued on the ride.

After a few more spins though, her head started swaying, her face started to look contorted and I knew she was feeling ill. I made them stop to get her off. I had hoped that we had stopped in time for her stomach to calm down and feel better. That was not the case. She hurled all over Chantaé and herself.

Needless to say, it took everything Chantaé had in her not to hurl, herself. And when I got close enough and tried to help, I nearly lost my stomach too.

We immediately left the park and drove home to get them cleaned up. After having a bath and everything Sharai still whined and whimpered the rest of the night. I'm sure she was still feeling the effects of her ordeal because she vomited again in my bed later. And yes, I really nearly hurled then.

How does that relate to the effects of sin in our lives? Well, I'm glad you asked. ;)

I think when we first get on the ride of (fill in the particulars) "merry-go-sin", we don't see the potential dangers or repercussions. We simply see potential for fun. And at first it may very well be fun because we aren't aware of the impending danger. But as we keep riding and spinning we begin to slightly feel the ramifications. At first we aren't sure whether or not we should stop and get off the ride, or stay on.

Sometimes we have others come along and warn us what will happen if we stay on. Perhaps they too once rode on that ride. They try to help us get off but we insist on staying where we are.

It's not until we begin to feel the effects of our choices that we start to desire to want to get off. Often times by this point, we have set things in motion that we will feel the lasting consequences of long afterward. When we finally step off the ride we can begin to see not only how harmful that particular thing is to us, but how harmful it is to others around us as well. And how we affect them.

May we always be mindful of the choices we make and how they will impact us and those closest to us. And may we always desire to make choices that won't make us or others hurl after we make them.

~Ms Atti~

Signs of Personal Growth

Having spent some time thinking about the events of my last blog...I came to the realization last night that I have come a very long way in regards to my ex.

In the past, as I've shared, our relationship was very abusive. He was very emotionally and physically abusive. I'm not proud of it, nor my portion in it. But I was a very different woman back then. I was very hurtful with my words. When someone hurt me intentionally, I cut them down to nothing with my tongue.

The biblical author James speaks to this issue.

James 3:7-10 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.

Taming the tongue is a very, very difficult thing to do. But with God, all things are possible.

If nothing else, I learned that one good thing that came from that conversation my ex and I had recently, it's this....that I have come a very long way from where I used to be. In my past I would have cut him down with my tongue in retaliation for his intended hurtful words to me. However the reality is that I was not offended by his opinions of me. I did not respond in anger or with ill intent. I shared the truth in love and was not easily offended.

I thank God for the work He's been doing in my life and for teaching me how to be longsuffering, loving, forgiving and all the other ways I see the Fruit of the Spirit exhibited in my life.

~MsTude~

Be careful what you ask for...

You know I've always heard that phrase and have taken it quite seriously. I sometimes wonder if others do though. Matter of fact I have to think that sometimes people just simply don't want the answers.

Case in point:

My ex called me the other night out of the blue for advice...from me. From me? He has never done that, ever. We have not been on good terms ...well, ever really. I don't hold any ill will toward him. I've forgiven him. I feel little more than indifference to him, truth be told. I have tried my best to be kind and civil to him over the 14 years we've been apart. I've been a Christian for the last 7 & 1/2 of those. So I do know that loving him has far greater restorative power than the indifference that my flesh caters to.

It came as a complete shock that he would call me and ask for my insight and honest opinion about "why his life is so messed up." He pressed me for answers after I warned him that he was not going to like my response. Not because I would be rude or disrespectful but because I was going to be honest. And that, I was. I attempted to answer his questions with honesty and love because I do believe in the importance of sharing the truth in love. Nevertheless, he was not at all eager to hear the answers I gave him. He got very upset, angry, defensive and verbally abusive (our relationship was one of abuse both emotional and violently physical) so I ended the call abruptly by hanging up. Perhaps not the greatest ending to the call but I was so caught off guard that I didn't know what else to do.

So, I was contemplating our conversation last night going over it again and again in my mind. And I was feeling a bit down. Truthfully, because I had the notion in my mind that an opportunity for good to happen had been wasted. I shared my situation with a friend and they gave me a new perspective to consider....that just maybe the seed was planted that could start to have a positive affect.

I don't know if that's the case. I may never. But I know that I'm not going to think the worst about the situation because love never fails. Sometimes, it hurts. Sometimes, it isn't what we want to hear. Sometimes, it looks a bit harsh. But when we have the right motivation (in this case, one of redemption) of heart, I think that good can come of it, even if we can't see it with our physical eyes. I trust that God will use something I said to reach into James' heart and speak to him there.

And I pray that He would help me to learn to love better, even those that don't deserve my love, just as I have not deserved His. And may it always be the desire of my heart to work toward redemption in every situation I find myself in. May that be made evident in the words I speak and the actions I take so that God would be glorified.

~attimeister~

Youtube, Toddlers and Desperately Seeking God

You might wonder what any of these things have in common, enough to name a blog title after them. May I satisfy your curiosity. :)

I'm babysitting my granddaughter and she hasn't had a nap today yet. So needless to say, she was overdue for some quiet time. As I often do, I went to Youtube to listen to some worship songs (admittedly I don't know many) that I am familiar with.

Sharai climbed into my lap and started imitating me as I sang along with this song that I recently came to hear for the first time and fell in love with:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xliBTZfnRq8

Here are the lyrics:

You are the Source, of life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You
I need You, Jesus!
I need You, Jesus!

My heart is Yours, for life
I need Your hand, in mine
No one else will do
Lord, I put my trust in you!

I need you Jesus to come to my rescue!
Where else can I go?
There's no other name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace.
I will follow you. I will follow you.

This world has nothing for me
This world has nothing for me
This world has nothing for me
I will follow you
This world has nothing for me!

*Chorus*
...

She was still pretty hyper sitting in my lap but after a minute or two she snuggled up into my arms and was fast asleep.

As I sat here with my beautiful granddaughter in my lap, listening to the words of this song, I was reminded of the fact that in my many ways, I'm her safe place to go in this world second to her mommy. Her place to go for comfort, provision, protection, and love. She needs me.

I then began to reflect on how much I need and rely on Him. How He rescued me when I first cried out to Him in desperation in 1996...and even more than that. How much He's always been there for me...rescuing me, protecting me, guiding me and helping me in this obstacle course called life. I'm that little one who sits in His lap looking for comfort, love and guidance.

He has not only captured me with grace, He has captivated me with it. I hunger for living a life that emanates grace. I stumble, I fall. I make mistakes big and small. But one thing I know is that my desire is to follow Him...whatever that looks like. Even when that includes being a loving, providing, protecting, comforting grandmother in the midst of the most trying and difficult moments life can press upon us. Because in the grand scheme of things the moments I have had with my beautiful granddaughter make the difficulties of life, worth it.

He never fails. Love never fails.

~Mindful of the fact that I'm rescued by God's grace, daily~

Touching Stories of Love

Just yesterday I began reading a blog by a former pastor at one of our church campuses who was called to go to NY and plant a church there.

I know I'm a crier but I didn't expect to cry in response to every one of his blogs that I've read (I haven't read them all). So much for that though. I have been reading and crying because the tenderness, love and openness this guy shares is so inspiring.

When I read stories like his, I can't help but feel moved. Much of what he has shared has made my own feeble attempts at loving God and loving others, seem pathetic.

I struggle with keeping peace in my own home when others are making a huge impact on the world around them. That is my desire too. I just know that at the moment in my life, I'm being told and shown by God that taking care of home is first priority.

God please give me the strength, power, conviction, love, mercy and grace to have an impact here in my home. And if it be possible please allow me opportunities and the ability to do so wherever I am and with whomever I meet. Amen.

~Linda~

A New Blog Home?

I've been frustrated with Yahoo's 360 for a while now so I figured I'd search for a new place to share my thoughts, perceptions and musings. This may be the perfect place. I look forward to exploring my mind here. :)

~The attimeister~