Sexual Healing

We've all heard the old Marvin Gaye song depicting an enormous sexual appetite that needs appeasing (it's a pretty catchy tune!). And as humans we've all experienced to some degree, the longing Gaye describes for fulfillment and gratification of our sexual appetites. That longing in and of itself is not wrong in my opinion, as we were all created with an innate desire for sexual relationships and connectedness. It's a beautiful gift given to us by our Creator.

While Gaye defines sexual healing by the pleasing of the flesh, I have had a very different encounter with sexual healing in my life. One that has roots in some very dark and desolate places where God illuminated my heart and mind to free me from my brokenness.

Without going into specifics and making this an X rated blog entry, I will share generally what I'm referring to...

As a young girl, I was molested by a close family friend. Though I had no idea what that experience meant at that time, I came to understand many, many years later as I learned more about sex and all that it entails. As I got older, when I was 14, I was raped at a party and lost my virginity to a boy who I didn't desire to give it to.

Those experiences, I'm learning, have had a very deep and powerful impact on my life in a very negative way. There was already terrible and ugly issues in my home life....an absent father and a mentally ill mother (though we didn't know it at the time) who was doing her best to raise a family on her own.

The rape was probably one of the biggest defining moments of my life. It sent me on a very destructive path and lead me into dark places that I desperately wanted to escape from but didn't know how.

I was very depressed and became suicidal. I started drinking alcohol to cope with the hurt and pain. Days, weeks, months and years blurred into one another as I longed to experience what it meant to be loved and accepted and sought it through various experiences with boys and men who told me they loved me but only dishonored me and my body. And truth be told, I didn't know love then either.

In a very intense contemplative prayer session, I recently learned that my response to the things I endured and even proactively participated in, was very unhealthy. And of course, I'm not sure most young girls know how to cope in a healthy way to such things.

In that session, God spoke to my heart and revealed to me that it was never His desire for me to be molested, raped or used. He revealed to me that it was never his desire for me to run to alcohol for comfort. He also revealed to me that it was never His desire for their brokenness to harm me. He didn't desire for them to be broken either.

As a young girl, I don't suppose I ever addressed these things. I merely survived them. Very poorly at that. Through the grace, mercy and love of God, I have now come to understand that the choices we made, grieved Him. I also came to see those that abused me in light of God's love for them as well.

God is healing me from my sexual past...the hurts done by others; the hurts and consequences of my own choices. God has forgiven me and I release them from whatever injustices done to me. I release them from judgment. I release myself also.

My God is so wonderful and loving that He will take my hand and travel with me through the darkest doors of my life, through my pain, through my past...in order that He may make me whole. I thank Him for allowing me to see these boys/men in light of their brokenness and need for Him. I don't know if any of these men know Him today, but I know He loves them just as much as He loves me. That is beautiful, liberating and healing!

~Linda~