Breakthrough

I've been seeing a Christian counselor for a few visits now and I have to admit that I am quite surprised at the things we've discovered and that I've experienced already.

Yesterday, I went in feeling pretty cheerful and thinking that I wouldn't really know what to talk about or better yet, that I might not cry for once! Ha!

It started out ok enough...I shared with her that I've been reading the book she recommended and that I could relate to nearly everything Joyce had written.

We talked a bit about various things and then she asked me if there was ever a time when I felt loved by God. Yes, there was and I shared that experience with her. And so I know practically that God does indeed love me. And I know that God's providential hand is guiding me in various ways in my life....yet I still don't always feel loved. I know He provides for me. I know He's here with me and I know He speaks to me but, why don't I equate those things with His love?

I don't yet know the answer to that question but after sharing my "God experience with her", she asked me what do I think is blocking me from experiencing the full love that God has for me? I don't know the answer to that question either. So, we moved on and she asked me how I know God speaks to me and so I shared with her some very powerful events that have taken place in my life that I know only the power of God could have manipulated (probably not the best word usage but it will have to do as I'm too tired to think any deeper than that LOL).

One way I know God has spoken to me is through a vision nearly three years ago now. And I have also had Him speak to me through dreams. So she suggested that I ask God to give me more visions and dreams because I did feel His love when I was experiencing Him in that way. She quoted the "ask, seek, knock" passage and reminded me that I can ask God for things.

I sat there puzzled because I have read these things many times and I know that I appreciate them intellectually and finally (after a long silence) I kinda chuckled and said, "I know these things, so why is it that I don't ask?" Is it ignorance, laziness, fear, what?

I was not prepared for the unleashing that took place when she asked me very directly, "Were you allowed to ask for things when you were a little girl?" The answer to that question broke me down to my core and I wept uncontrollably as I shook my head, "No." I had my answer. God was taking me back to my childhood to reveal to me something that is hindering me in my relationship with Him today.

As I wept, she prayed and asked God to speak to me and reveal any truth that He wanted me to know in regards to this deep wound that He was bringing to the surface. That if there was anything He wanted to speak to me that He would do so. And as I sat there unable verbally to even agree with her in prayer or anything, He spoke to my heart and told me that "You can ask Me for things. You are My daughter and I love you."

She prayed that God would sear that truth deep into my heart so that I never forget it and so that I will remember that I am free to go to the throne room of God and ask, seek and knock.

I am so thankful for this counselor and for the gentleness and compassion in which she is gifted with. God is using and going to use her to help me break free from emotional bondage that I am under. Some of it I am fully aware of, just don't know what to do about. And some of it, I am not even aware of but He is going to bring it out so that He can liberate me. Praise God!