Uprooted

We all know what it's like to have someone uprooted from our lives. The pain, the confusion, the instability. Over the last year and a half, I've had several people uprooted from my life. Some of them due to their own actions and others, simply because people are busy beings (myself included).


I don't like it when it happens. Relationships I had hoped would forge lifelong friendships kinda vanish and fade into the distant corners of our  memories. Is it painful? You bet! It hurts like hell...especially for someone like me whose love language is Quality Time (yes that came a pretty large surprise to me though it does make sense). 


For me, pouring into relationships means everything. And even as I listened to a sermon earlier on relationships focused on singles called "Solo Mojo" (ROFL, gotta love Greg Boyd) I stood in agreement with Boyd on the fact that we as humans are not meant to live life alone. We are meant to live in relationship with others though those relationships will never completely fill us. They weren't designed to. We were designed to be completely filled by God.


Does that mean that our relationships with other humans can't be rewarding? Of course not! One point he made that surprised me a bit was how in the historical and cultural past,  friendly relationships inherently provided great intimacy though not erotic intimacy. It wasn't uncommon (and still isn't in some places) to find people highly affectionate without being sexual.


I've always longed for deep intimacy (as well as the other) with the men I've loved. I've even yearned for that intimacy within non romantic relationships. Sometimes I've found it. And it seems that lately, God is pulling people back from being too close to my heart. I don't fully understand that. I do think it means that He is going to guide me in a new direction and I am excited to see where that is and where it leads.


In the meantime, it's lonely but God is filling me. It is my prayer that God will fill my love tank so that it runs over and I can pour it out into others...even when it's not reciprocated. It is also my prayer that for those whom God has uprooted from my life, that they would also find great peace and comfort in the God who truly knows what is best for us. I love you and remember you fondly.


~Peace~

Good News/Bad News

Why should it surprise us that we should find good people doing good things in the world? I dunno. But I've been asking myself that question a few times recently as it's become a recurring theme (I don't believe coincidentally) that I keep seeing lately.


Last week when talking with my sister-in-law about a very generous gift that my brother and his family received from a member of their church, I uttered something to the effect of "You see, there still are good people left in the world!" to my sister-in-law. 


Yesterday when walking out of the grocery store, I was surprised to hear an elderly woman speak those same words to someone else. Someone who appeared to be a stranger to her. And I was reminded of my own conversation the week before. As I considered those words, it struck me that it shouldn't be such a surprise to see people doing good deeds in the world around us. 


Even as I type this blog entry, I'm reminded of several conversations recently that I've had with various friends regarding not being able to watch the news for all the negativity. Why does all the bad news get top spot? I watched a news program one day and out of at least half an hour there were 2 events that I could categorize as good and/or positive. One of them being the weather forecast for that day.


So why is it that we (speaking of myself here too) that we are inundated with stories of hatred, crime, futility? Why do we rarely focus on the things that are praiseworthy, lovely, of good report? Is it easier to think that the world around us is so bad that it's a rare occasion to see or hear of there "still being good people in the world?"


I consider my own thought patterns and realize that, yes it is. The truth is, there have been and always will be good people left in the world, even in the midst of all the turmoil and suffering. I for one, intend to remain focused (at least in theory) on the things that are worthy of proclaiming that are good. The things that are worth repeating and praising God for even as this Thanksgiving holiday approaches. And I do have much to be thankful for. Praise God!


~Linda~

Loneliness

You visit me like an insatiable lover with fervent hunger.

I, in turn, receive you with eager anticipation.

You ravish me so thoroughly so that I may think of no other.

Our rhythmic motions hold my body captive to yours in passionate unison....

until the cacophony of my mind is once more reminded of your bitter and deceptive face.

You're not welcome to enter into my bedchamber. I see you, for who you are. 

Tears

Cold, wet, trickling; flowing like the rivers' edge.

Warm, salty, harsh; flooding the cheeks of a battered face.

Joyful, sweet, powerful; bringing healing to a broken heart.

Each birthing a burden of necessary affliction which springs forth hope that good will come from evil.

Bittersweet, tears. In which there is life!

Waves of Tumult

As he navigated through the waters I watched and noted the turbulent waves and ripples that were violently left in his wake. He was careless and self absorbed, unaware. Not once, but twice. I imagined he perceived himself powerful and attractive burrowing through the calm...and then, he was gone.

Soon another came with less forcefulness yet they too caused waves and ripples that notably affected their surroundings. They  demanded attention by their very presence. As they departed the waves spread a great distance until the calm resumed.

After the waves settled, "they" coasted through with a sense of respect and peace. They left ripples, hardly discernible though serene. And then they too, were gone. For a while. They reappeared in time after others had left their mark in the waters.

In solitude I wondered what I could learn from their travels. And I realized that each were like lovers moving through hearts. Stirring up waves of emotion, upheaval, wrecklessness, calm, peace and tranquility...encountering and affecting all in their wake like the storms that rip through and devastate our lives until they pass. And then I revisited my own heart and searched for the turbulence, violence, ripples and waves they've left on my heart and soul. Indeed they are there. Some more profound, some less remarkable. But they were there whether under the surface or highly visible.  They were there.

I ponder in my heart, the strong yearning that I have always had for a calm and secure lover. A lover that leaves ripples that soothe me, comfort me and assure me. One that speaks with his heart, touches me tenderly with his hands and looks at me lovingly with affection in his eyes. Will I ever know him? Alas, I do not know! But what I do know is that I can live in the calm that comes after the tumult. This I've been doing a long time. I'm weary but have hope that like the last traveler, love will follow the turmoil and come back around to find me. Perhaps...

~Linda~

Seasons of Change

Been studying various aspects of theology lately. Experiencing some information overload. LOL! Picking up and reacquainting myself with and re-examining some of the puzzle pieces. It's interesting to try to place them and see where they may fit. Going through some growing pains as well so it's been an interesting season lately.  Not sure there is anything much more to say about it. I could elaborate on some of the specifics but I have nothing profound to say so...I will wait until I do (or at least till I think I do. Heh!)

At Arm's Length

Since about a week after my surgery, I have kinda kept God at arm's length. I wept in repentance the other night as I poured out my heart to Him. And I just started seeing my counselor again so I was able to discuss it with her and gain some insight as to why.

Much of our meeting was simply being transparent and honest with myself about my feelings and emotions as well as my discontentment (strong word I know!) with my circumstances and ultimately with God which have left me feeling numb lately. 

Something she said, resonated deep within me and so I'll share it here in my blog.

Basically she said, whenever we're feeling discontent or restless in life and we try to fill that with other "things" that simply don't satisfy, it's because we all have a deep yearning that can only be filled by God. And when we go to Him instead of other things He will fill us. She said that discontentment is meant to drive us to God (something I have not allowed in my life the last few months) so that we can be filled. Then once He fills us we will eventually at some point and time begin to feel discontent again...that our discomfort is God's way of not allowing us to be too comfortable in our lives...because then we forget Him. So we go through these cycles of contentment, discontent then contentment once again so that we grow as people of God.

For me it was a lightbulb moment...and something I desperately needed to hear as I have attempted to fill that longing with other things....even reading scripture (which normally is the right thing to do), chatting in Christian chat rooms, watching tv..or even in looking for intimacy in my friendships (not that it is wrong normally). What I needed was more God. I knew it then but was unwilling to seek Him because it would mean allowing myself to feel the emotions I didn't want to feel....fear, anger, etc. Interestingly enough, that is exactly what service was about on Sunday. That if we want the promises of God, we have to be willing to let go of the fear of the unknown and fight to get to the promised land.

One last thing ...at East campus, the leaders for the middle and high school ministries taught the message (they were amazing!) and Dave Kubiak (sp?) said this which I found very convicting (in God's ever gentle ways!)....

"Even though God makes our path straight, we still have to walk it!"

I know I didn't quote him perfectly but that is the gist of it. And he used the example (Numbers 13) of the Israelites when they got to the Jordon river and could see the promised land and were eager and excited "but" when they seen the giants there, they wanted to turn back to the bondage of Egypt because it was easier than facing the unknown.

It really was a fantastic sermon and one I hope not to soon forget. It deeply impacted me Sunday and I'm still pondering it today. We have wonderful men and women of God who teach with an uncanny ability to speak into our hearts the very things we need to hear. Praise God!