Eyes Wide Shut

"One of the ways satan deceives us is when we are doing all the wrong things, for all the right reasons." ~Chris Zarbaugh

I've been contemplating something I've wanted to write about for about a week now. Today my pastor, when teaching on the topic of "the devil" or satan, said some things that were in line with what's been on my mind so it's time to put it down on "paper." ;)

The weather outside was not so grand. It was cold, wet, slippery, overcast...and traffic wasn't being nice to me. It seems due to a manufacturing glitch on my model of car, I have to drive even more carefully in wet weather because my breaks lock up and I slide without stopping. (Had an accident once because of it).

So, I'm driving down the street in inclement weather, heavy traffic and I live near Detroit where if you don't drive defensively, you won't survive. I'm driving very cautiously because of the weather, the traffic and the atmosphere when I notice the traffic ahead and to the left of me is coming to a quick halt. Looking to the shoulder on the right, I see the MDOT bus stopped, either to load or unload it's cargo (hehe).

Traffic in the opposite direction was not stopped nor was there a traffic light ahead. There was a greater distance in front of me than in the lane to the left and I proceeded to slow down so that I could come to a stop if the traffic didn't start moving. All of a sudden from the middle of the left lane a few yards ahead, a woman appeared who apparently was trying to get to the MDOT bus before it leaves. Understandable.

I realized in this moment that the traffic had come to a stop because of her. Considering my circumstances, I continued to slow down while trying to make sure I didn't slide into traffic to my left or the bus to my right. And while there was some distance between the woman and I, it wasn't a great deal.

She realized I was not stopped yet she continued fearlessly to step out into my lane and even had the audacity to give me a dirty look and share a few words (which I couldn't hear) to express her dissatisfaction with me as if the world should stop because she was crossing the street.

I managed to stop without hitting her and even expressed some anger myself though she had already crossed. I was angry and shaken. She could have gotten hit. She could have caused an accident. Tons of people could have gotten hurt. And that began the thinking process of relating real life circumstances with spiritual principles.

I recognize this pattern regarding sin, danger and the lack of fear in my own life and even in the lives of others. Oftentimes we step out in harm's way, not even realizing the potential life threatening scenarios we are entering into or creating. Or we may see the potential risks and decide to step out anyway. Frequently we step boldly into circumstances that will harm us and dare others to try to prevent us.

As I examine myself, I notice areas where my eyes have been wide shut. Areas where I have stepped into danger, thinking I was doing the right thing but realized later that I was doing the wrong thing, for the right reasons. Like the woman crossing the street who would risk dodging moving traffic to get onto a bus that was going to take her to her destination, I too have taken foolish risks to do something I find important though wrong (didn't know it at the time), for the right reasons. Perhaps she was going to work so she could provide for her family. Maybe home from work to take care of little children. Maybe to pay her bills. The possibilities are endless to consider.

The incident shook me. The quote I shared, hit me hard today. I'm thankful for having the last week to contemplate what taking foolish risks look like so that I can glean spiritual truths. My eyes are not always wide open, but for a moment in time... today... they are. And I pray that I remain cautious, ever aware of impending danger so that I don't harm myself or anyone else by my choices.

~Linda~

Santa Claus Theology

Listening to some Christmas music online this morning, I had a moment of...clarity? Insanity? Not sure which, LOL! So, I figured I'd share with you and let you decide. Heh!

We've all heard the song, Santa Claus is Coming to Town. It's a classic tune that we've all sung as little children during the holiday season. I'm too lazy to look up the original author so if you want to know you'll have to be more inspired than I am. ;)

But, I do know the lyrics:

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
He's making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming to town
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!
O! You better watch out!
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town

For whatever reason, as I listened today I found myself comparing the words to this song with the notion of God that I've seen many people espouse. That of an angry God. One that is coming and you better be good out of terror. Terror that He is making a list, checking it twice and will reward those that obey out of fear while eternally punishing those that didn't heed the warning.

I used to be one of those people. One that was terrorized at the thought of how righteous He was and how righteous He expected me to be....or else! Let me be clear here, I do not discount the effectiveness that such terror can initially have on a person and their relationship with God. I think He can and does use that teaching to His advantage (as He works good from all things) to draw people to Himself. I do think however, that it is merely a tool in an arsenal of many.

The scriptures teach that fear is the beginning of wisdom. Many teach that fear in this sense is the terror I once felt. Terror of hellfire. Terror of being sent there because I've done far worse than Adam and Eve or other biblical characters that I've read about. When I looked at their lives and compared them with my own, I absolutely knew I deserved a far worse fate than they did.

Through study and prayer, I've personally come to believe fear means reverence in this regard. We're also taught through scripture that perfect love casts out all fear. I came to know a God who loves perfectly. Though I do need to revere Him, in time He showed me that I do not need to live in terror of Him.

I do believe that He knows when I'm naughty or nice and that it matters to Him. Mostly because He's been showing me what love looks like and when we don't have others' best interest at heart, we are not loving them. And His desire is that we love Him and love one another.

May we all come to know very intimately, how perfect love casts out all fear and may we never subscribe to Santa Claus theology. ;)

~the Attimeister~

Sexual Healing

We've all heard the old Marvin Gaye song depicting an enormous sexual appetite that needs appeasing (it's a pretty catchy tune!). And as humans we've all experienced to some degree, the longing Gaye describes for fulfillment and gratification of our sexual appetites. That longing in and of itself is not wrong in my opinion, as we were all created with an innate desire for sexual relationships and connectedness. It's a beautiful gift given to us by our Creator.

While Gaye defines sexual healing by the pleasing of the flesh, I have had a very different encounter with sexual healing in my life. One that has roots in some very dark and desolate places where God illuminated my heart and mind to free me from my brokenness.

Without going into specifics and making this an X rated blog entry, I will share generally what I'm referring to...

As a young girl, I was molested by a close family friend. Though I had no idea what that experience meant at that time, I came to understand many, many years later as I learned more about sex and all that it entails. As I got older, when I was 14, I was raped at a party and lost my virginity to a boy who I didn't desire to give it to.

Those experiences, I'm learning, have had a very deep and powerful impact on my life in a very negative way. There was already terrible and ugly issues in my home life....an absent father and a mentally ill mother (though we didn't know it at the time) who was doing her best to raise a family on her own.

The rape was probably one of the biggest defining moments of my life. It sent me on a very destructive path and lead me into dark places that I desperately wanted to escape from but didn't know how.

I was very depressed and became suicidal. I started drinking alcohol to cope with the hurt and pain. Days, weeks, months and years blurred into one another as I longed to experience what it meant to be loved and accepted and sought it through various experiences with boys and men who told me they loved me but only dishonored me and my body. And truth be told, I didn't know love then either.

In a very intense contemplative prayer session, I recently learned that my response to the things I endured and even proactively participated in, was very unhealthy. And of course, I'm not sure most young girls know how to cope in a healthy way to such things.

In that session, God spoke to my heart and revealed to me that it was never His desire for me to be molested, raped or used. He revealed to me that it was never his desire for me to run to alcohol for comfort. He also revealed to me that it was never His desire for their brokenness to harm me. He didn't desire for them to be broken either.

As a young girl, I don't suppose I ever addressed these things. I merely survived them. Very poorly at that. Through the grace, mercy and love of God, I have now come to understand that the choices we made, grieved Him. I also came to see those that abused me in light of God's love for them as well.

God is healing me from my sexual past...the hurts done by others; the hurts and consequences of my own choices. God has forgiven me and I release them from whatever injustices done to me. I release them from judgment. I release myself also.

My God is so wonderful and loving that He will take my hand and travel with me through the darkest doors of my life, through my pain, through my past...in order that He may make me whole. I thank Him for allowing me to see these boys/men in light of their brokenness and need for Him. I don't know if any of these men know Him today, but I know He loves them just as much as He loves me. That is beautiful, liberating and healing!

~Linda~

Still Kicking!

Yes, I'm still around....been wanting to blog but haven't had any time for it. I have a lot on my mind I want to share too! Hopefully soon. In the meantime, here are a few pics of recent events. :)

I may post more pics another time. As chaotically as these are posted, is as chaotic as my life has been. Whew!

1. Sharai's 1st day of Preschool
2. Asia's Homecoming Dance
3. Ronnie, James and Sharai at lunch for my birthday
4. Ronnie and Sharai painting pumpkins
5. Asia and Dannielle making carmel apples

~ Linda~

Breakthrough

I've been seeing a Christian counselor for a few visits now and I have to admit that I am quite surprised at the things we've discovered and that I've experienced already.

Yesterday, I went in feeling pretty cheerful and thinking that I wouldn't really know what to talk about or better yet, that I might not cry for once! Ha!

It started out ok enough...I shared with her that I've been reading the book she recommended and that I could relate to nearly everything Joyce had written.

We talked a bit about various things and then she asked me if there was ever a time when I felt loved by God. Yes, there was and I shared that experience with her. And so I know practically that God does indeed love me. And I know that God's providential hand is guiding me in various ways in my life....yet I still don't always feel loved. I know He provides for me. I know He's here with me and I know He speaks to me but, why don't I equate those things with His love?

I don't yet know the answer to that question but after sharing my "God experience with her", she asked me what do I think is blocking me from experiencing the full love that God has for me? I don't know the answer to that question either. So, we moved on and she asked me how I know God speaks to me and so I shared with her some very powerful events that have taken place in my life that I know only the power of God could have manipulated (probably not the best word usage but it will have to do as I'm too tired to think any deeper than that LOL).

One way I know God has spoken to me is through a vision nearly three years ago now. And I have also had Him speak to me through dreams. So she suggested that I ask God to give me more visions and dreams because I did feel His love when I was experiencing Him in that way. She quoted the "ask, seek, knock" passage and reminded me that I can ask God for things.

I sat there puzzled because I have read these things many times and I know that I appreciate them intellectually and finally (after a long silence) I kinda chuckled and said, "I know these things, so why is it that I don't ask?" Is it ignorance, laziness, fear, what?

I was not prepared for the unleashing that took place when she asked me very directly, "Were you allowed to ask for things when you were a little girl?" The answer to that question broke me down to my core and I wept uncontrollably as I shook my head, "No." I had my answer. God was taking me back to my childhood to reveal to me something that is hindering me in my relationship with Him today.

As I wept, she prayed and asked God to speak to me and reveal any truth that He wanted me to know in regards to this deep wound that He was bringing to the surface. That if there was anything He wanted to speak to me that He would do so. And as I sat there unable verbally to even agree with her in prayer or anything, He spoke to my heart and told me that "You can ask Me for things. You are My daughter and I love you."

She prayed that God would sear that truth deep into my heart so that I never forget it and so that I will remember that I am free to go to the throne room of God and ask, seek and knock.

I am so thankful for this counselor and for the gentleness and compassion in which she is gifted with. God is using and going to use her to help me break free from emotional bondage that I am under. Some of it I am fully aware of, just don't know what to do about. And some of it, I am not even aware of but He is going to bring it out so that He can liberate me. Praise God!

Beauty

Speaking of beauty..... these are absolutely gorgeous and smell so fragrant! Thank you, Greg *hugs*. You are such a wonderful blessing to me and I am so glad that we have been able to maintain our friendship over the years. I pray and trust that we always will, by the grace of God. You are very special to me. I love you. :)

~Linda~

Teachable Moments

As I drove down the road to the grandkids' birthday party this afternoon, I recognized a minor incident that had just taken place, as a teachable moment.

You know how as parents we often find moments where we can teach our children about life, about growing up, about all sorts of things? I've often done this with with my own kids. I believe those moments to be special, perhaps, even inspired in some way.

I stopped at the gas station (so I didn't run out of gas, that wouldn't be good!) and while my brother went to pay and pump the gas for me, I noticed some sort of bug flying around in the car. I didn't recognize it as a bee but I didn't get a great look at it either so I don't really know what it was. Next thing I know I felt it sting me in the neck. And, it hurt like heck!

Whatever it was, didn't stick around after it stung me. Nevertheless, it left it's mark. You could see the prick mark and it immediately started swelling. We carried on toward the party at the park and God spoke to my heart. I wasn't expecting Him to especially in this of all things!

He said to me that sometimes we don't see the sting coming so we aren't prepared for it when it hits. It attacks and we never even see it leave but the effects of it's sting can be very real and tangible. It hurts. It stings. It burns. It swells. It's uncomfortable. And once we feel it's venom, we realize the damage it's done.

The correlation between an unexpected sting of a pest and the unforeseeable sting of sin, are similar. Sometimes others attack us and we suffer the hurt. Sometimes, we do it to ourselves or to others and the pain remains, real.

But though the unexpected sting from a bug is painful, if not life threatening, we carry on undisturbed for the most part. Perhaps in some discomfort but not enough to run to the ER. The symptoms fade over time and we learn to adapt until eventually all symptoms are gone.

My neck is still slightly swollen, it's red and irritated, itchy, painful, etc. but the effects will most likely be gone by tomorrow. God who is our Balm of Gilead, treats our sting and removes the pain we experienced from it.

My Father loves me so much that He uses something as simple as a bug sting as a teachable moment in my life. Shows me that I am much like Him in ways that aren't merely anthropomorphic. I am very thankful.

I do have more thoughts but I'm too tired to convey them at the moment. So, I'll save them for next time. :) ...