Sitting there watching as the fish swam about in their world, unaware of my presence and observing eye, I began to think deeply about the life of fish.
They were all busy doing what fish do. Some were chasing each other playfully. Some were picking at each other. Others were hiding in the dark crevices of their environment. Perhaps they too were observing. Perhaps.
Then my mind drifted back to a place and time about a week or so ago. I had gone to the store with my daughter who needed to get some things and I sat in the car while she went in. I don't much listen to music anymore so I was just sitting there by myself entertaining my own thoughts.
I watched the people coming and going in and out of the store. I am certain that most of them were unaware of my presence as I sat and searched their faces for traces of individuality and commonality. I'm not sure what I was looking for, really or how I'd find it. Maybe to see a glimpse of their stories written on their faces.
Some of them were smiling. Some frowning. I watched as people passed each other without speaking. One woman had a wonderful conversation with her little boy about what they were going to read together. Brought a huge smile to my face as that is something I thoroughly enjoy doing with my son.
I think it was because it was fairly warm out that day that so many people were out and about "doing life." And as I sat there, once again I asked myself (as I've often done in the past), what is the purpose of this? I began to feel sad while considering all the different levels of pain, suffering and brokenness ....that each individual surely experienced throughout their lives. It all seems so meaningless at times. Like whatever purpose there is for this world, it just seems hopeless. And in my mind I heard it clearly....and wept.
Ecclesiastes 1:13-14 And I applied my heart to seek and to search out by wisdom all that is done under heaven. It is an unhappy business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind.
And after feeling a very heavy burden for the striving after wind that we as humans do, I was filled with hope and peace knowing that despite how it seems on the outside, each one of us were created in the image of God and that there is a purpose to life that isn't vanity. That isn't hopeless. That isn't meaningless. I began to see that each face that passed had stories to tell of joy and happiness, laughter and love...beauty that we also are meant to experience.
And then I thought about my own life...how I too have stories of sorrow, sadness, brokenness and hopelessness. Stories of joy and love and playfulness that I have been blessed to enjoy. And I realized that while I am not impervious to sorrow in this life....I'm also not impervious to joy.
I sometimes see the world through "suffering colored glasses" and I wish I didn't. God gave me a heart to feel moved by suffering and I am sometimes overwhelmed and I am filled with similar thoughts as those of the author of Ecclesiastes. I believe though, that He did so that I might be moved with compassion.
Fish scurry. People scurry. Some hide in dark crevices for reasons I don't understand. Some chase each other playfully enjoying moments of fun. Some pick at each other because their personalities clash.
Atheists have often suggested that a life lived in faith in things not seen, is meaningless. I beg to differ. For me a life lived without God is just existing...doing what humans do. But a life lived with God, and all that it entails...IS living!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Romans 6:17-18
Romans 6:17-18 But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. ~ESV
While I cannot claim with any certainty that I understand fully what this passage and/or any other scriptures truly mean....I can say that I have better clarity on this today than I have ever in the past.
I am very thankful to God who has delivered me from all sorts of sin, brokenness and suffering and has given me a new heart which desires to be obedient to his perfect teachings and principles about loving Him and loving others...which frees me to be a slave to righteousness. I cannot tell you how my heart swells up within me in gratitude because He has shown me what living really means and it's not just breathing in air or experiencing the ebbs and flows of physically existing and appreciating the world around us (although we do those things too and I appreciate them)...but that there truly is great joy in living life in such a way that we have a cause and that being to emulate Christ which brings contentment and peace despite our circumstances.
~The attimeister~
While I cannot claim with any certainty that I understand fully what this passage and/or any other scriptures truly mean....I can say that I have better clarity on this today than I have ever in the past.
I am very thankful to God who has delivered me from all sorts of sin, brokenness and suffering and has given me a new heart which desires to be obedient to his perfect teachings and principles about loving Him and loving others...which frees me to be a slave to righteousness. I cannot tell you how my heart swells up within me in gratitude because He has shown me what living really means and it's not just breathing in air or experiencing the ebbs and flows of physically existing and appreciating the world around us (although we do those things too and I appreciate them)...but that there truly is great joy in living life in such a way that we have a cause and that being to emulate Christ which brings contentment and peace despite our circumstances.
~The attimeister~
Friday, January 8, 2010
Eyes: Window to the Soul
We've all heard the old saying that "The eyes are the window to the soul" and I have always believed there to be some truth to that statement. I was reminded of that reality in a peculiar way yesterday and have been reflecting on it since.
We had been hearing on the news of this big snow advisory that we were gonna have yesterday starting around noon. So I decided to run all my errands early before the snow started. After making my way to all the various stores, I was walking to my car preparing to head home. As I was approaching my car I noticed an elderly gentleman walking toward the store, whose path I would soon be crossing.
As our eyes briefly met and I was forming the words to say hello, he turned his gaze away from me and in a split second I became aware that he was not interested in hellos or any sort of conversation at all. Thus, I also turned my gaze away and we walked past each other in silence.
A few things actually entered my mind as I got in my car and drove off toward home. I wondered how it is that we've come to a place and time in society that we close ourselves off from friendly interaction, if only for a moment in passing? I thought about how things have changed over the years of my life in relation to this issue. I wondered how it must have been living in different eras of history. Truth be told (and don't laugh because if you're anywhere near my age, you will know exactly what I'm talking about LOL) I thought about how television depicted a much friendlier and sociable time in The Little House on the Prairie. Everyone said hello in passing. Everyone smiled or greeted each other in those days.
I felt a pang of guilt because I didn't simply smile and say hello to this man anyway. And then I was brought back in memory to several extremely difficult times in my past where the mere hello, smile or positive comments of a stranger pierced through my rough exterior or the false strength I was attempting to portray when deep inside I was an emotional wreck. I learned the power that kindness, compassion and friendliness could have on a very troubled soul.
I remember one time probably nearly two decades ago, I was walking into a local grocery store and had just had a violent encounter with my (now) ex. I wasn't aware that the expression on my face revealed my inner emotional turmoil until a stranger looked me dead in my eye with a huge smile on his face and said "Smile, it can't be that bad." I remember smiling back at him halfheartedly while silently thinking that he couldn't possibly know.
A couple of years later I was in school (I attended adult ed for 4 years to obtain my diploma) one morning and took a break to go to the restroom. While washing my hands and preparing to go back to class, one of my teachers entered the restroom. It was a small ladies room and as she entered and said hello, her eyes met my eyes and she smiled and asked how I was doing. My eyes dropped and I could not look her in her eye and pretend. Her inquiry was innocent and I'm sure she was not prepared (nor was I) for the emotion it unleashed. That morning, just an hour or two prior our meeting, my ex furiously strangled me while laying on top of my 7 & 1/2 month pregnant belly. I don't know what stopped him. Perhaps it was the realization for him that I was loosing consciousness. It was for me though, all I could take. I finally came to the conclusion that I could not keep living the way I was and I ended our relationship.
As I considered those past events in my life I wondered if that is why we in our society so often turn away our glance when we are about to cross paths with others? Are we hiding our pain? Our fear? Our hurt? Are we so weak that we run from any minute threat of vulnerability to transparency? These are certainly possibilities. Everyone's story is different. Each of us struggle with difficulties in life. We all experience pain and suffering, fear and doubt....and we all try to hide the fact that we do...until someone looks into the window of our soul.
We had been hearing on the news of this big snow advisory that we were gonna have yesterday starting around noon. So I decided to run all my errands early before the snow started. After making my way to all the various stores, I was walking to my car preparing to head home. As I was approaching my car I noticed an elderly gentleman walking toward the store, whose path I would soon be crossing.
As our eyes briefly met and I was forming the words to say hello, he turned his gaze away from me and in a split second I became aware that he was not interested in hellos or any sort of conversation at all. Thus, I also turned my gaze away and we walked past each other in silence.
A few things actually entered my mind as I got in my car and drove off toward home. I wondered how it is that we've come to a place and time in society that we close ourselves off from friendly interaction, if only for a moment in passing? I thought about how things have changed over the years of my life in relation to this issue. I wondered how it must have been living in different eras of history. Truth be told (and don't laugh because if you're anywhere near my age, you will know exactly what I'm talking about LOL) I thought about how television depicted a much friendlier and sociable time in The Little House on the Prairie. Everyone said hello in passing. Everyone smiled or greeted each other in those days.
I felt a pang of guilt because I didn't simply smile and say hello to this man anyway. And then I was brought back in memory to several extremely difficult times in my past where the mere hello, smile or positive comments of a stranger pierced through my rough exterior or the false strength I was attempting to portray when deep inside I was an emotional wreck. I learned the power that kindness, compassion and friendliness could have on a very troubled soul.
I remember one time probably nearly two decades ago, I was walking into a local grocery store and had just had a violent encounter with my (now) ex. I wasn't aware that the expression on my face revealed my inner emotional turmoil until a stranger looked me dead in my eye with a huge smile on his face and said "Smile, it can't be that bad." I remember smiling back at him halfheartedly while silently thinking that he couldn't possibly know.
A couple of years later I was in school (I attended adult ed for 4 years to obtain my diploma) one morning and took a break to go to the restroom. While washing my hands and preparing to go back to class, one of my teachers entered the restroom. It was a small ladies room and as she entered and said hello, her eyes met my eyes and she smiled and asked how I was doing. My eyes dropped and I could not look her in her eye and pretend. Her inquiry was innocent and I'm sure she was not prepared (nor was I) for the emotion it unleashed. That morning, just an hour or two prior our meeting, my ex furiously strangled me while laying on top of my 7 & 1/2 month pregnant belly. I don't know what stopped him. Perhaps it was the realization for him that I was loosing consciousness. It was for me though, all I could take. I finally came to the conclusion that I could not keep living the way I was and I ended our relationship.
As I considered those past events in my life I wondered if that is why we in our society so often turn away our glance when we are about to cross paths with others? Are we hiding our pain? Our fear? Our hurt? Are we so weak that we run from any minute threat of vulnerability to transparency? These are certainly possibilities. Everyone's story is different. Each of us struggle with difficulties in life. We all experience pain and suffering, fear and doubt....and we all try to hide the fact that we do...until someone looks into the window of our soul.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Wonderful reminders of beauty and God's glory
Been meaning to write about this but life sometimes can be so chaotic that I never manage to find the time. Ironically, it's why I'm writing about this. LOL!
The last few months (years really) have been rushed, chaotic and downright overwhelming at times. Doctor appointments, church, school events, family crisis, everyday living ... each somehow seem to cause one day to blur into another quite frequently. The holiday season beginning with the preparation for Thanksgiving always compounds the hustle and bustle which goes throughout the new year. It's common to all of us who celebrate these holidays, I think. And don't get me wrong, I love the season (minus the snow and winter chill, doh!) and all that it entails. It's just that sometimes when I'm running around from morning till night, I find that my patience wears thin (especially dealing with holiday traffic and crowds) and I can get quite irritable by the time I get home and my body is begging me for rest which it may or may not get depending on what still needs to get done.
So Tuesday night after a very long day I came home to find an unexpected beautiful array of roses waiting for my loving touch. In that moment, I was reminded of the beauty of flowers, the wonderful scents and the need to slow down and be filled with the wonders of God's creation, no matter how busy life gets.
Greg, you always somehow seem to know exactly what I need and your timing is impeccable! Thank you for the beautiful gift of beauty and the reminder to enjoy the world around me. I don't have a camera anymore (mine broke after my grandson was born :( ) or I would take a picture once they all bloom and share my joy with you. They are just beginning to open up and they are so pretty. Thank you, friend. *hugs*
~Appreciative~
The last few months (years really) have been rushed, chaotic and downright overwhelming at times. Doctor appointments, church, school events, family crisis, everyday living ... each somehow seem to cause one day to blur into another quite frequently. The holiday season beginning with the preparation for Thanksgiving always compounds the hustle and bustle which goes throughout the new year. It's common to all of us who celebrate these holidays, I think. And don't get me wrong, I love the season (minus the snow and winter chill, doh!) and all that it entails. It's just that sometimes when I'm running around from morning till night, I find that my patience wears thin (especially dealing with holiday traffic and crowds) and I can get quite irritable by the time I get home and my body is begging me for rest which it may or may not get depending on what still needs to get done.
So Tuesday night after a very long day I came home to find an unexpected beautiful array of roses waiting for my loving touch. In that moment, I was reminded of the beauty of flowers, the wonderful scents and the need to slow down and be filled with the wonders of God's creation, no matter how busy life gets.
Greg, you always somehow seem to know exactly what I need and your timing is impeccable! Thank you for the beautiful gift of beauty and the reminder to enjoy the world around me. I don't have a camera anymore (mine broke after my grandson was born :( ) or I would take a picture once they all bloom and share my joy with you. They are just beginning to open up and they are so pretty. Thank you, friend. *hugs*
~Appreciative~
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Challenge Week 2
"Find a way to give generously and sacrificially of your time or money. You don't have to start up a non profit organization or spend a fortune but if someone asks you for a few bucks on the street, or help with a move, don't say no or make up an excuse. Try saying yes. Find a way to respond generously and don't worry about the results.
You can keep your eyes open for an opportunity (they're everywhere), or plan in advance for how you want to complete this challenge. Either way, do it this week- remember, this can be simple - and you don't have to wait for someone to ask you to do something for them."
This passage is based on Luke 6:30-31 & Matthew 5:42.
This too is something God has been dealing with my heart on a various times and various ways for many years. Recently I came across a couple of blogs by John Piper that have really resonated within me and I'll share them here: http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/2027_i_have_not_always_obeyed_this_command/ and http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/2031_give_to_the_one_who_begs_from_you_part_2/
I believe God has brought me to a place that I'm supposed to give without questioning the motives of the one begging. Within reason, of course. I mean if someone were to ask for drugs, I don't suggest we should run to the nearest crack house and hook them up. But if they are hungry or have healthy physical, emotional or spiritual needs that we can meet, I believe we should.
I was convinced that this challenge would be easy since I am very convicted of this truth. Man, was I wrong!
I have prayed that God would provide the opportunity/ies for me to fulfill this week's challenge. Which I think is a great prayer. I should have been also praying that He would help me to trust Him more to complete it.
Yesterday, I picked my mom up to bring her to my place for dinner. I was missing one of the key ingredients so I had to stop at the store on the way home. I knew we only had a couple of hours to get home, cook, eat and stuff before I would have to have her back home.
So, on the way out of the store there was a woman who stopped us and asked if either of us smoked or had a cigarette. Well, I don't smoke and for about 10 years or so now my mom has not smoked. We simply told her we didn't smoke and I apologized for not being able to meet her need (which I realize is not a healthy need). I certainly wasn't going to go buy her a pack of cigarettes! So, all is good so far.
We started to walk away and head to the car. But the woman kept talking to us as we were the only people around. She was saying something to the effect of really needing a cigarette badly and how she was stranded. Yup, stranded.
Immediately a hundred thoughts passed through my cerebral cavity all the while I kept walking slowly away. As I looked at her piercing eyes a huge part of me wanted to stop and do something. Anything. Something helpful. But, much to my shame, I did not. I walked to my car, got in and drove off.
As I was driving I thought about the pang of guilt I was experiencing and considered my options or in clearer terms, I began to make excuses. "I had my mom with me and we were on limited time" I told myself. "She didn't actually ask for something I could have provided and didn't" was another thought. It crossed my mind that I could have put myself and mom my at risk of danger by offering this woman a ride to..wherever.
And in the busyness of the evening I put it out of my mind and went on with my plans. We came home, made dinner together and had a great meal. We visited for a bit and then I took mom home. We had a great evening together.
Later when I was alone with me and God, I began to replay the event in my mind. Over and over again, I kept being drawn back to the look in her eyes as I walked away. I was reminded of the story of the good Samaritan. Something I was fully aware, that I was not.
I also was reminded of Hebrews 13:2 Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
....and I wept. I wept knowing that I failed. That although God has clearly taught me to help strangers, I am not as willing to obey as I thought. At least not without question. I wanted to help. I did. But I still made excuses. I'm not sure why. Could it have been that I feared taking risk? Possibly. Could it be that I simply didn't want to be confronted with it in the midst of my plans? Sure. Was it maybe that I prejudged this woman by her appearance? Perhaps.
I don't know exactly why I didn't respond how I think I should have. But I feel horrible about it. Not that I think He desires for me to feel horrible but that I know in my heart I could have done something and didn't. I know He loves me and forgives me for not responding in faith. But I pray that He give me another opportunity and that I won't waste it. That I won't be selfish. But that I will be willing to hear His voice and do as He asks.
You can keep your eyes open for an opportunity (they're everywhere), or plan in advance for how you want to complete this challenge. Either way, do it this week- remember, this can be simple - and you don't have to wait for someone to ask you to do something for them."
This passage is based on Luke 6:30-31 & Matthew 5:42.
This too is something God has been dealing with my heart on a various times and various ways for many years. Recently I came across a couple of blogs by John Piper that have really resonated within me and I'll share them here: http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/2027_i_have_not_always_obeyed_this_command/ and http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/2031_give_to_the_one_who_begs_from_you_part_2/
I believe God has brought me to a place that I'm supposed to give without questioning the motives of the one begging. Within reason, of course. I mean if someone were to ask for drugs, I don't suggest we should run to the nearest crack house and hook them up. But if they are hungry or have healthy physical, emotional or spiritual needs that we can meet, I believe we should.
I was convinced that this challenge would be easy since I am very convicted of this truth. Man, was I wrong!
I have prayed that God would provide the opportunity/ies for me to fulfill this week's challenge. Which I think is a great prayer. I should have been also praying that He would help me to trust Him more to complete it.
Yesterday, I picked my mom up to bring her to my place for dinner. I was missing one of the key ingredients so I had to stop at the store on the way home. I knew we only had a couple of hours to get home, cook, eat and stuff before I would have to have her back home.
So, on the way out of the store there was a woman who stopped us and asked if either of us smoked or had a cigarette. Well, I don't smoke and for about 10 years or so now my mom has not smoked. We simply told her we didn't smoke and I apologized for not being able to meet her need (which I realize is not a healthy need). I certainly wasn't going to go buy her a pack of cigarettes! So, all is good so far.
We started to walk away and head to the car. But the woman kept talking to us as we were the only people around. She was saying something to the effect of really needing a cigarette badly and how she was stranded. Yup, stranded.
Immediately a hundred thoughts passed through my cerebral cavity all the while I kept walking slowly away. As I looked at her piercing eyes a huge part of me wanted to stop and do something. Anything. Something helpful. But, much to my shame, I did not. I walked to my car, got in and drove off.
As I was driving I thought about the pang of guilt I was experiencing and considered my options or in clearer terms, I began to make excuses. "I had my mom with me and we were on limited time" I told myself. "She didn't actually ask for something I could have provided and didn't" was another thought. It crossed my mind that I could have put myself and mom my at risk of danger by offering this woman a ride to..wherever.
And in the busyness of the evening I put it out of my mind and went on with my plans. We came home, made dinner together and had a great meal. We visited for a bit and then I took mom home. We had a great evening together.
Later when I was alone with me and God, I began to replay the event in my mind. Over and over again, I kept being drawn back to the look in her eyes as I walked away. I was reminded of the story of the good Samaritan. Something I was fully aware, that I was not.
I also was reminded of Hebrews 13:2 Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
....and I wept. I wept knowing that I failed. That although God has clearly taught me to help strangers, I am not as willing to obey as I thought. At least not without question. I wanted to help. I did. But I still made excuses. I'm not sure why. Could it have been that I feared taking risk? Possibly. Could it be that I simply didn't want to be confronted with it in the midst of my plans? Sure. Was it maybe that I prejudged this woman by her appearance? Perhaps.
I don't know exactly why I didn't respond how I think I should have. But I feel horrible about it. Not that I think He desires for me to feel horrible but that I know in my heart I could have done something and didn't. I know He loves me and forgives me for not responding in faith. But I pray that He give me another opportunity and that I won't waste it. That I won't be selfish. But that I will be willing to hear His voice and do as He asks.
Challenge Week 1
"Show some love to someone you think is undeserving of your favor. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture and it doesn't have to cost a cent. But it does have to be genuine and no strings attached."
This week's challenge did not come as a surprise to me when I got it (there were different challenges). It's something God has been speaking to my heart about for at least two years. Is it easy? By no means. But is it possible? To live in such a way that we can overcome our dislikes, prejudices, judgmental attitudes, etc. toward others and be so radical as to love them? Absolutely!
Jesus was our example in how to love selflessly. He regularly stressed living open-handedly and without expectation. How can we learn to do the same? By desperately relying on Him to change our hearts and give us opportunities to put the same principles into practice that Jesus did.
Jesus forgave those that were nailing him to a cross. He asked his Father to do the same. Are we willing to see them through the lens of love? Would we dare ask our Father to forgive those that would harm us? Those that would belittle us? Those that are combative, confrontational and provocative? Are we willing to do good to them as Jesus suggests?
Yeah, it's not so easy and I'm struggling with this to be honest. But God is changing my attitude toward the notion and I pray that He give me a heart that willfully obeys. The desire is there and He is and will bring the opportunities.
I won't share what I did to complete this week's challenge or to whom I did it to. I will say that it wasn't a grand gesture nor did it cost me anything. But it was sincere and it came with no expectations of anything in return. And the individual that I loved in a small way was surprised. Did they see God in it? Most likely not. But I am able to grow and become more like Him when I can try to see others as people of unsurpassable worth to a God who loves them.
This week's challenge did not come as a surprise to me when I got it (there were different challenges). It's something God has been speaking to my heart about for at least two years. Is it easy? By no means. But is it possible? To live in such a way that we can overcome our dislikes, prejudices, judgmental attitudes, etc. toward others and be so radical as to love them? Absolutely!
Jesus was our example in how to love selflessly. He regularly stressed living open-handedly and without expectation. How can we learn to do the same? By desperately relying on Him to change our hearts and give us opportunities to put the same principles into practice that Jesus did.
Jesus forgave those that were nailing him to a cross. He asked his Father to do the same. Are we willing to see them through the lens of love? Would we dare ask our Father to forgive those that would harm us? Those that would belittle us? Those that are combative, confrontational and provocative? Are we willing to do good to them as Jesus suggests?
Yeah, it's not so easy and I'm struggling with this to be honest. But God is changing my attitude toward the notion and I pray that He give me a heart that willfully obeys. The desire is there and He is and will bring the opportunities.
I won't share what I did to complete this week's challenge or to whom I did it to. I will say that it wasn't a grand gesture nor did it cost me anything. But it was sincere and it came with no expectations of anything in return. And the individual that I loved in a small way was surprised. Did they see God in it? Most likely not. But I am able to grow and become more like Him when I can try to see others as people of unsurpassable worth to a God who loves them.
Small Group
I recently joined a small group at church (my first time) and it's been really interesting so far. I am not allowed to share anyone elses personal information (nor would I want to) but I am allowed to share my own experiences.
The group is called Reset and we are attempting to reset our assumptions about Jesus and try to more fully grasp who he was through scripture reading, sharing personal insights, introspective homework and weekly challenges over the next six weeks. You can learn more about it here: http://kensingtonchurch.org/messages/
I've found it quite rewarding already and my weekly challenges (we've only had two so far) have both been on issues God has been speaking to me quite clearly about for a while now. I hope to share more about each in the next couple of blogs. Looking forward to being honest, reflective and transparent as I navigate through this journey.
~The Attimeister~
The group is called Reset and we are attempting to reset our assumptions about Jesus and try to more fully grasp who he was through scripture reading, sharing personal insights, introspective homework and weekly challenges over the next six weeks. You can learn more about it here: http://kensingtonchurch.org/messages/
I've found it quite rewarding already and my weekly challenges (we've only had two so far) have both been on issues God has been speaking to me quite clearly about for a while now. I hope to share more about each in the next couple of blogs. Looking forward to being honest, reflective and transparent as I navigate through this journey.
~The Attimeister~
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About Me
- atti2dchic
- I'm a Christian who questions many of the commonly held beliefs of evangelical Christianity. I don't claim to know it all nor do I expect I ever will. But in a few areas, I have found answers that satisfy my desire to understand. And I continue to hunger and thirst for Him. To know Him and to worship Him in spirit and in truth.