My Personal Testimony of God's Greatness Pt 2

Originally posted April 3, 2011:

And a current update...

While my relationship with my daughter is still not as close as I would like it to be it has undergone some vast improvements. About a week ago she invited me to go with her to a local flea market with her, the kids and my son...just to hang out. That has never happened!

So today we went and her and my grandkids got their picture taken with a tiger cub. I want to share the pic so those of you reading can see but unfortunately, I don't know how (if anyone reading does, please let me know!) We had a great time despite the freezing rain/hail storm outside

We've had our ups and downs over the years but we have become a great deal closer than we used to be. She is an extremely private person (extremely doesn't even really do it justice) so opening up to me is itself a wonderful example of what God is doing in her heart. And I'm excited still to see where He leads her/us.

I have other updates also of things God is doing in my family which I will be sharing too. God has been good to us, despite our dysfunction our brokenness, our failures, our imperfections and our sins. Oh how He loves us!

My Personal Testimony of God's Greatness Pt 1

This was originally posted on January 7, 2008:

At the risk of losing any credibility I may have here on TWeb, I've decided to share a very recent, real and personal experience that has given me greater insight into the mind of God. One that has definitely challenged my beliefs, dashed my skepticism and has enhanced the relational aspect of my journey beyond what I could have imagined. I do so, not to debate or argue the validity of my experience but to encourage others in their faith. I don't mean to be too lengthy but I also don't want to leave any pertinent details out.

A little background info is necessary to set up the scenario. I am a single mother who has in my past, been in some very abusive (both physically and mentally) relationships. Unfortunately in my immaturity, my kids suffered because of my very unhealthy decisions. As I matured as a woman, I finally left those kinds of relationships behind me and healed. Much to my shame, my kids were exposed to and built ideas about relationships from mine.

Two of my daughters are adults and have lives of their own. My oldest, much to my dismay (as these things often go) has followed in my footsteps by choosing to be in an abusive relationship herself. This past spring, she came to me in desperate need of help. I did everything in my power to help her get out of the situation she was in.

A week later, she chose to go back to him. It put a tremendous strain on our relationship because she (and he) knew exactly how I felt about her going back. She continued (she had been headed down this path all along) on isolating herself from myself and everyone else that loves her. Eventually she got very upset at me over a perceived offense that I could not convince her was not meant to be. Eventually in the summer months, she cut off all contact with me and during our last conversation, she told me that she didn't know if she would ever be able to forgive me. The last thing I said to her was "I love you. Whenever you are ready to have a relationship with me again, I'll be here with open arms."

We live very close in vicinity to one another. And for months she would not contact me and despite my fear for her and the hurt I felt because of her rejection, I respected her wishes and didn't contact her. I trusted God would restore us someday and I would rejoice when that day came.

I started attending a new church in Sept. of '07. I learned that Pastor Greg Boyd was going to be coming to preach at this church in Oct. Now, I've read several of his books and never would have imagined I would ever actually get to meet him. To say that I was jumping out of my skin when I read that in the bulletin would not be far from the truth.

I went to the Wed. night service and it was nice. I didn't have the opportunity to meet him as it was a packed house and the people I went with didn't stay long after the service ended. I found he was having a workshop the following morning titled, "Imaginative Prayer." I was excited to go but had no clue what to expect as prayer is not something I've really heard taught much about in the churches I've attended. Sure, they each taught prayer was important for various reasons but other than that, it was never really addressed.

Having read and heard (online) Pastor Boyd in the past, I expected that he would have much deeper thoughts on prayer than I was used to hearing and I was eager to hear them. So I went to the breakfast/workshop the following morning. As I listened to him teach on this subject, I was being fed spiritually and I was appreciative of all that he was sharing on the subject. At one point he asked each of us, right where we were, to take about 15 minutes or so to imagine God with all of our senses. Which was the point of the workshop.

Now, I was not familiar with this technique of prayer and I was quite skeptical because I had never had any "spiritual experiences" that I could think of that, if dissected, would hold up as concrete proof (even in my own mind) that I experienced God. I mean, I think if we're all honest, many of us can relate to that.

Nevertheless, being the skeptic that I am, I simply began praising and thanking God for all the many ways He had been blessing me throughout the year, despite the hardships and sorrows. I began listing those things specifically and all of a sudden, God interrupted my prayer. I know this may sound silly to some, but I believe I had a moment where God literally had something to say to me and made sure I knew it. He gave me a vision. I believe, a very personal, prophetic, and intimate vision of what He intended to do in my life and the life of my daughter and my loved ones. I'm probably not likely going to share the specifics of my vision but He spoke to me and I was left weeping at the magnitude of His love, mercy and compassion. I was filled with hope. (I'm choked up as I write this even still).

Ten days later, not exactly intentionally, I was confronted again with her rejection, bitterness and unforgiveness toward me. I was crushed because I finally realized by the look in her eyes and other signs, just how deep those emotions went. Out of fear of hurt and the pain of rejection, I sorta renewed my conviction to allow her whatever space she needed and to not push the issue.

Somewhere during all of this, I had another spiritual experience with God through a practice (for lack of a better term) that my church was doing titled, "The Kingdom Prayer Experience." I won't go into the specifics (at least openly) of what happened during that meeting with God but one thing I will share. At the end of the thing, we were prompted to pray and seek God to know specifically, who He wants us to pour out His love on and be a light in the darkness to. Not that we aren't to love all people at all times but sometimes He will have us focus on specific individuals for whatever reason.

As I quietly sat and prayed about that, He put into my heart that He wanted me to love my daughter and be a light of His love to her. He reminded me of my vision and gave me greater insight into what some (very symbolic) events in my vision meant. And as I sat there a bit confused as to how to go about this, reflecting on her recent blatant rejection of me, He spoke to my heart and reminded me that He knows the pain of rejection far greater than I ever possibly could. And He knows the pain of seeing someone hurt your child and not interfering. The risk of rejection is great when we determine to love. And the pain that follows when we are rejected, He knows firsthand. But love does prevail. As you can imagine, I was humbled greatly through this reminder. And once again I left with hope renewed, although I had no clue how He and I were going to accomplish it, but knowing that we were certainly going to try. That was sometime in November.

My second oldest daughter came home from college for Thanksgiving. It's the first holiday she has spent with us in 6 years. While she was here she left a message for her older sister letting her know she was in town and would like to see her if possible. Thanksgiving day, the door rang and much to my shock, it was my oldest daughter. She was very distant to me still but I would have never imagined that less than a month after my vision and a couple of weeks at most from our unexpected meeting, she would be in my home being vulnerable to all of our care and love for her.

I didn't push anything and I allowed her her space. I was extremely happy at how God was working in ways where I had tried and failed. I have watched and witnessed God use others to break down her barriers and soften her heart and is beginning to heal her, and us. Just as He showed me in my vision.

No, she hasn't left him yet, nor do I think she is ready yet. But I know she is growing more and more discontent (just as I did in my unhealthy relationships) and I do believe that God will do as He showed me, He will heal her and completely restore our relationship. I am eager, excited and blown away at God's hand in all of this. My faith has been renewed in ways that my intellect couldn't fathom.

I learned that God can speak to us through visions and experiences just as He can through scripture and universal truths. I learned that He cares about the things that matter to me and He loves those that I love with a love that my love cannot rival. He's concerned about those that are hurting and oppressed and desires to free them, if they will come to Him.

Any and all prayers for my daughter are welcome. Her name is Dannielle. She may not know just how important prayer is in her path but I do. And I know that sometimes we need not only to ask for what we want, but to listen to the voice of God. We also have to be willing to be obedient to the answers we get and make some personal sacrifices to give love a fighting chance. (Yes, I know that is taken from a song but I love the line )

For what it's worth, I won't debate my personal experience here nor anywhere else. If you don't think God works to give us personal revelation today, then there is nothing I can do to change your mind. Nor is it my desire to. I'm content knowing what has proven true in my life and trusting the God experiences I've had.

May God manifest Himself in real and tangible ways in each of our lives as we seek to have that personal relationship where we thirst for, submit to and obey the God who is Love. And may He be glorified through our testimonies of His greatness.

My Next Several Blog Entries...

Will be lengthy, purposed and detailed. The reason for this being that I will be sharing some very personal entries of my testimony of God's greatness in my life. Following that, I will be sharing an ongoing dialogue that I'm having with an acquaintance online as we examine the first couple of chapters of the book of Romans. Both the testimony and the dialogue can also be found at www.theologyweb.com

~The Attimeister!~

Love's Sweet Seduction

Like the wind Your Spirit flows upon me with Your seductive touch.

Caressing my soul, leaving me breathless. Wanting more.

You whisper my name with captivating melody that leaves my senses awhirl!

I melt when I hear the sound of Your voice fall upon my ears.

You gently guide my hands and feet to explore Your hidden treasures. 

I anticipate Your glory with breathtaking excitement!

My heart races as I ponder Your love and the sweet pleasures You've introduced me to. 

I hunger and yearn for You.

When I encounter You, my senses are overwhelmed with the savor of Your sweet seduction.

And each time, I gasp in delight as I fully surrender to the passion You invoke in me. I simply be, Yours.

Rationalizing Ungodliness

"As you were sharing, I was sitting here thinking about the last supper. Jesus knew who was going to betray him yet he still sat and ate with him, had an intimate relationship with him and loved him. Not only that but Jesus loved those that denied him, lied to him, and eventually abandoned him, knowing full well that they would do those things. And he can teach you how to love like that also!"

 These words that my counselor uttered today resonated deeply within me as I sat weeping. Hoping, believing and trusting that it is possible for him to teach me...

I've read the gospels hundreds of times and gleaned a great deal of insight from them. But for whatever reason, I have always somehow managed to disassociate the truth of my counselor's statements with the life of Jesus. I mean, it's easy to consider him doing these things when he was the son of God, right? Doesn't that somehow distract from the impact and the practical implications of these stories? Well, unfortunately it has for me. I don't think intentionally....but it has nonetheless.

The cognitive dissonance I have experienced in relation to this issue, I think, fully came to light today as we sat and examined my own lack of love and intimacy with people who have harmed me in my past. I still harbor resentment, anger and yes, even hatred.

I've rationalized ungodliness with anger, aloofness, judgmentalism (and many other adjectives I could list), because it's a lot easier to ( fill in the blank) than it is to live like Christ. Of course loving in the face of injustice is contrary to our natural inclinations. Who in their right mind would subject themselves to injustice and love and have intimacy with someone who hurt them?

Jesus. Jesus Christ. As I sit here writing this, I consider all the thoughts and the emotions that stir up inside of me when I think of some of his last words, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do!" I well up with tears when I think of that kind of scandalous love. And I'm inspired by it. Truly!

I suppose what I haven't considered is just what it would take to get to the place where those words could be wholeheartedly delivered. That's too hard to think about. It's easier I suppose, to love someone who doesn't realize they are hurting you. But what if they do? Didn't Judas? Peter? The religious leaders of Jesus' day  I bet, would not have been in his fave 5. However, weren't the 12? His closest most intimate relationships, even his family, must have broken his heart. On more than one occasion I'm sure. And yet Jesus chose to remain unmoved and undeterred in loving them despite themselves.

I want to love like Jesus. Today I asked God to help me choose to love and not run from those that abandon me, mock me and hurt me. I will have to rely on Him heavily in every moment where I'm tempted to do what comes naturally. I will need to surrender, in order to love. It's scary. It's difficult. But with God, all things are possible.

~the atti2dchic~

Stunning!

Thank you. You know who you are. :)

Eyes Wide Shut

"One of the ways satan deceives us is when we are doing all the wrong things, for all the right reasons." ~Chris Zarbaugh

I've been contemplating something I've wanted to write about for about a week now. Today my pastor, when teaching on the topic of "the devil" or satan, said some things that were in line with what's been on my mind so it's time to put it down on "paper." ;)

The weather outside was not so grand. It was cold, wet, slippery, overcast...and traffic wasn't being nice to me. It seems due to a manufacturing glitch on my model of car, I have to drive even more carefully in wet weather because my breaks lock up and I slide without stopping. (Had an accident once because of it).

So, I'm driving down the street in inclement weather, heavy traffic and I live near Detroit where if you don't drive defensively, you won't survive. I'm driving very cautiously because of the weather, the traffic and the atmosphere when I notice the traffic ahead and to the left of me is coming to a quick halt. Looking to the shoulder on the right, I see the MDOT bus stopped, either to load or unload it's cargo (hehe).

Traffic in the opposite direction was not stopped nor was there a traffic light ahead. There was a greater distance in front of me than in the lane to the left and I proceeded to slow down so that I could come to a stop if the traffic didn't start moving. All of a sudden from the middle of the left lane a few yards ahead, a woman appeared who apparently was trying to get to the MDOT bus before it leaves. Understandable.

I realized in this moment that the traffic had come to a stop because of her. Considering my circumstances, I continued to slow down while trying to make sure I didn't slide into traffic to my left or the bus to my right. And while there was some distance between the woman and I, it wasn't a great deal.

She realized I was not stopped yet she continued fearlessly to step out into my lane and even had the audacity to give me a dirty look and share a few words (which I couldn't hear) to express her dissatisfaction with me as if the world should stop because she was crossing the street.

I managed to stop without hitting her and even expressed some anger myself though she had already crossed. I was angry and shaken. She could have gotten hit. She could have caused an accident. Tons of people could have gotten hurt. And that began the thinking process of relating real life circumstances with spiritual principles.

I recognize this pattern regarding sin, danger and the lack of fear in my own life and even in the lives of others. Oftentimes we step out in harm's way, not even realizing the potential life threatening scenarios we are entering into or creating. Or we may see the potential risks and decide to step out anyway. Frequently we step boldly into circumstances that will harm us and dare others to try to prevent us.

As I examine myself, I notice areas where my eyes have been wide shut. Areas where I have stepped into danger, thinking I was doing the right thing but realized later that I was doing the wrong thing, for the right reasons. Like the woman crossing the street who would risk dodging moving traffic to get onto a bus that was going to take her to her destination, I too have taken foolish risks to do something I find important though wrong (didn't know it at the time), for the right reasons. Perhaps she was going to work so she could provide for her family. Maybe home from work to take care of little children. Maybe to pay her bills. The possibilities are endless to consider.

The incident shook me. The quote I shared, hit me hard today. I'm thankful for having the last week to contemplate what taking foolish risks look like so that I can glean spiritual truths. My eyes are not always wide open, but for a moment in time... today... they are. And I pray that I remain cautious, ever aware of impending danger so that I don't harm myself or anyone else by my choices.

~Linda~