This was originally posted on January 7, 2008:
A little background info is necessary to set up the scenario. I am a single mother who has in my past, been in some very abusive (both physically and mentally) relationships. Unfortunately in my immaturity, my kids suffered because of my very unhealthy decisions. As I matured as a woman, I finally left those kinds of relationships behind me and healed. Much to my shame, my kids were exposed to and built ideas about relationships from mine.
Two of my daughters are adults and have lives of their own. My oldest, much to my dismay (as these things often go) has followed in my footsteps by choosing to be in an abusive relationship herself. This past spring, she came to me in desperate need of help. I did everything in my power to help her get out of the situation she was in.
A week later, she chose to go back to him. It put a tremendous strain on our relationship because she (and he) knew exactly how I felt about her going back. She continued (she had been headed down this path all along) on isolating herself from myself and everyone else that loves her. Eventually she got very upset at me over a perceived offense that I could not convince her was not meant to be. Eventually in the summer months, she cut off all contact with me and during our last conversation, she told me that she didn't know if she would ever be able to forgive me. The last thing I said to her was "I love you. Whenever you are ready to have a relationship with me again, I'll be here with open arms."
We live very close in vicinity to one another. And for months she would not contact me and despite my fear for her and the hurt I felt because of her rejection, I respected her wishes and didn't contact her. I trusted God would restore us someday and I would rejoice when that day came.
I started attending a new church in Sept. of '07. I learned that Pastor Greg Boyd was going to be coming to preach at this church in Oct. Now, I've read several of his books and never would have imagined I would ever actually get to meet him. To say that I was jumping out of my skin when I read that in the bulletin would not be far from the truth.
I went to the Wed. night service and it was nice. I didn't have the opportunity to meet him as it was a packed house and the people I went with didn't stay long after the service ended. I found he was having a workshop the following morning titled, "Imaginative Prayer." I was excited to go but had no clue what to expect as prayer is not something I've really heard taught much about in the churches I've attended. Sure, they each taught prayer was important for various reasons but other than that, it was never really addressed.
Having read and heard (online) Pastor Boyd in the past, I expected that he would have much deeper thoughts on prayer than I was used to hearing and I was eager to hear them. So I went to the breakfast/workshop the following morning. As I listened to him teach on this subject, I was being fed spiritually and I was appreciative of all that he was sharing on the subject. At one point he asked each of us, right where we were, to take about 15 minutes or so to imagine God with all of our senses. Which was the point of the workshop.
Now, I was not familiar with this technique of prayer and I was quite skeptical because I had never had any "spiritual experiences" that I could think of that, if dissected, would hold up as concrete proof (even in my own mind) that I experienced God. I mean, I think if we're all honest, many of us can relate to that.
Nevertheless, being the skeptic that I am, I simply began praising and thanking God for all the many ways He had been blessing me throughout the year, despite the hardships and sorrows. I began listing those things specifically and all of a sudden, God interrupted my prayer. I know this may sound silly to some, but I believe I had a moment where God literally had something to say to me and made sure I knew it. He gave me a vision. I believe, a very personal, prophetic, and intimate vision of what He intended to do in my life and the life of my daughter and my loved ones. I'm probably not likely going to share the specifics of my vision but He spoke to me and I was left weeping at the magnitude of His love, mercy and compassion. I was filled with hope. (I'm choked up as I write this even still).
Ten days later, not exactly intentionally, I was confronted again with her rejection, bitterness and unforgiveness toward me. I was crushed because I finally realized by the look in her eyes and other signs, just how deep those emotions went. Out of fear of hurt and the pain of rejection, I sorta renewed my conviction to allow her whatever space she needed and to not push the issue.
Somewhere during all of this, I had another spiritual experience with God through a practice (for lack of a better term) that my church was doing titled, "The Kingdom Prayer Experience." I won't go into the specifics (at least openly) of what happened during that meeting with God but one thing I will share. At the end of the thing, we were prompted to pray and seek God to know specifically, who He wants us to pour out His love on and be a light in the darkness to. Not that we aren't to love all people at all times but sometimes He will have us focus on specific individuals for whatever reason.
As I quietly sat and prayed about that, He put into my heart that He wanted me to love my daughter and be a light of His love to her. He reminded me of my vision and gave me greater insight into what some (very symbolic) events in my vision meant. And as I sat there a bit confused as to how to go about this, reflecting on her recent blatant rejection of me, He spoke to my heart and reminded me that He knows the pain of rejection far greater than I ever possibly could. And He knows the pain of seeing someone hurt your child and not interfering. The risk of rejection is great when we determine to love. And the pain that follows when we are rejected, He knows firsthand. But love does prevail. As you can imagine, I was humbled greatly through this reminder. And once again I left with hope renewed, although I had no clue how He and I were going to accomplish it, but knowing that we were certainly going to try. That was sometime in November.
My second oldest daughter came home from college for Thanksgiving. It's the first holiday she has spent with us in 6 years. While she was here she left a message for her older sister letting her know she was in town and would like to see her if possible. Thanksgiving day, the door rang and much to my shock, it was my oldest daughter. She was very distant to me still but I would have never imagined that less than a month after my vision and a couple of weeks at most from our unexpected meeting, she would be in my home being vulnerable to all of our care and love for her.
I didn't push anything and I allowed her her space. I was extremely happy at how God was working in ways where I had tried and failed. I have watched and witnessed God use others to break down her barriers and soften her heart and is beginning to heal her, and us. Just as He showed me in my vision.
No, she hasn't left him yet, nor do I think she is ready yet. But I know she is growing more and more discontent (just as I did in my unhealthy relationships) and I do believe that God will do as He showed me, He will heal her and completely restore our relationship. I am eager, excited and blown away at God's hand in all of this. My faith has been renewed in ways that my intellect couldn't fathom.
I learned that God can speak to us through visions and experiences just as He can through scripture and universal truths. I learned that He cares about the things that matter to me and He loves those that I love with a love that my love cannot rival. He's concerned about those that are hurting and oppressed and desires to free them, if they will come to Him.
Any and all prayers for my daughter are welcome. Her name is Dannielle. She may not know just how important prayer is in her path but I do. And I know that sometimes we need not only to ask for what we want, but to listen to the voice of God. We also have to be willing to be obedient to the answers we get and make some personal sacrifices to give love a fighting chance. (Yes, I know that is taken from a song but I love the line )
For what it's worth, I won't debate my personal experience here nor anywhere else. If you don't think God works to give us personal revelation today, then there is nothing I can do to change your mind. Nor is it my desire to. I'm content knowing what has proven true in my life and trusting the God experiences I've had.
May God manifest Himself in real and tangible ways in each of our lives as we seek to have that personal relationship where we thirst for, submit to and obey the God who is Love. And may He be glorified through our testimonies of His greatness.
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