Will be lengthy, purposed and detailed. The reason for this being that I will be sharing some very personal entries of my testimony of God's greatness in my life. Following that, I will be sharing an ongoing dialogue that I'm having with an acquaintance online as we examine the first couple of chapters of the book of Romans. Both the testimony and the dialogue can also be found at www.theologyweb.com
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Love's Sweet Seduction
Like the wind Your Spirit flows upon me with Your seductive touch.
Caressing my soul, leaving me breathless. Wanting more.
You whisper my name with captivating melody that leaves my senses awhirl!
I melt when I hear the sound of Your voice fall upon my ears.
You gently guide my hands and feet to explore Your hidden treasures.
I anticipate Your glory with breathtaking excitement!
My heart races as I ponder Your love and the sweet pleasures You've introduced me to.
I hunger and yearn for You.
When I encounter You, my senses are overwhelmed with the savor of Your sweet seduction.
And each time, I gasp in delight as I fully surrender to the passion You invoke in me. I simply be, Yours.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Rationalizing Ungodliness
"As you were sharing, I was sitting here thinking about the last supper. Jesus knew who was going to betray him yet he still sat and ate with him, had an intimate relationship with him and loved him. Not only that but Jesus loved those that denied him, lied to him, and eventually abandoned him, knowing full well that they would do those things. And he can teach you how to love like that also!"
These words that my counselor uttered today resonated deeply within me as I sat weeping. Hoping, believing and trusting that it is possible for him to teach me...
I've read the gospels hundreds of times and gleaned a great deal of insight from them. But for whatever reason, I have always somehow managed to disassociate the truth of my counselor's statements with the life of Jesus. I mean, it's easy to consider him doing these things when he was the son of God, right? Doesn't that somehow distract from the impact and the practical implications of these stories? Well, unfortunately it has for me. I don't think intentionally....but it has nonetheless.
The cognitive dissonance I have experienced in relation to this issue, I think, fully came to light today as we sat and examined my own lack of love and intimacy with people who have harmed me in my past. I still harbor resentment, anger and yes, even hatred.
I've rationalized ungodliness with anger, aloofness, judgmentalism (and many other adjectives I could list), because it's a lot easier to ( fill in the blank) than it is to live like Christ. Of course loving in the face of injustice is contrary to our natural inclinations. Who in their right mind would subject themselves to injustice and love and have intimacy with someone who hurt them?
Jesus. Jesus Christ. As I sit here writing this, I consider all the thoughts and the emotions that stir up inside of me when I think of some of his last words, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do!" I well up with tears when I think of that kind of scandalous love. And I'm inspired by it. Truly!
I suppose what I haven't considered is just what it would take to get to the place where those words could be wholeheartedly delivered. That's too hard to think about. It's easier I suppose, to love someone who doesn't realize they are hurting you. But what if they do? Didn't Judas? Peter? The religious leaders of Jesus' day I bet, would not have been in his fave 5. However, weren't the 12? His closest most intimate relationships, even his family, must have broken his heart. On more than one occasion I'm sure. And yet Jesus chose to remain unmoved and undeterred in loving them despite themselves.
~the atti2dchic~
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Eyes Wide Shut
"One of the ways satan deceives us is when we are doing all the wrong things, for all the right reasons." ~Chris Zarbaugh
I've been contemplating something I've wanted to write about for about a week now. Today my pastor, when teaching on the topic of "the devil" or satan, said some things that were in line with what's been on my mind so it's time to put it down on "paper." ;)
The weather outside was not so grand. It was cold, wet, slippery, overcast...and traffic wasn't being nice to me. It seems due to a manufacturing glitch on my model of car, I have to drive even more carefully in wet weather because my breaks lock up and I slide without stopping. (Had an accident once because of it).
So, I'm driving down the street in inclement weather, heavy traffic and I live near Detroit where if you don't drive defensively, you won't survive. I'm driving very cautiously because of the weather, the traffic and the atmosphere when I notice the traffic ahead and to the left of me is coming to a quick halt. Looking to the shoulder on the right, I see the MDOT bus stopped, either to load or unload it's cargo (hehe).
Traffic in the opposite direction was not stopped nor was there a traffic light ahead. There was a greater distance in front of me than in the lane to the left and I proceeded to slow down so that I could come to a stop if the traffic didn't start moving. All of a sudden from the middle of the left lane a few yards ahead, a woman appeared who apparently was trying to get to the MDOT bus before it leaves. Understandable.
I realized in this moment that the traffic had come to a stop because of her. Considering my circumstances, I continued to slow down while trying to make sure I didn't slide into traffic to my left or the bus to my right. And while there was some distance between the woman and I, it wasn't a great deal.
She realized I was not stopped yet she continued fearlessly to step out into my lane and even had the audacity to give me a dirty look and share a few words (which I couldn't hear) to express her dissatisfaction with me as if the world should stop because she was crossing the street.
I managed to stop without hitting her and even expressed some anger myself though she had already crossed. I was angry and shaken. She could have gotten hit. She could have caused an accident. Tons of people could have gotten hurt. And that began the thinking process of relating real life circumstances with spiritual principles.
I recognize this pattern regarding sin, danger and the lack of fear in my own life and even in the lives of others. Oftentimes we step out in harm's way, not even realizing the potential life threatening scenarios we are entering into or creating. Or we may see the potential risks and decide to step out anyway. Frequently we step boldly into circumstances that will harm us and dare others to try to prevent us.
As I examine myself, I notice areas where my eyes have been wide shut. Areas where I have stepped into danger, thinking I was doing the right thing but realized later that I was doing the wrong thing, for the right reasons. Like the woman crossing the street who would risk dodging moving traffic to get onto a bus that was going to take her to her destination, I too have taken foolish risks to do something I find important though wrong (didn't know it at the time), for the right reasons. Perhaps she was going to work so she could provide for her family. Maybe home from work to take care of little children. Maybe to pay her bills. The possibilities are endless to consider.
The incident shook me. The quote I shared, hit me hard today. I'm thankful for having the last week to contemplate what taking foolish risks look like so that I can glean spiritual truths. My eyes are not always wide open, but for a moment in time... today... they are. And I pray that I remain cautious, ever aware of impending danger so that I don't harm myself or anyone else by my choices.
~Linda~
I've been contemplating something I've wanted to write about for about a week now. Today my pastor, when teaching on the topic of "the devil" or satan, said some things that were in line with what's been on my mind so it's time to put it down on "paper." ;)
The weather outside was not so grand. It was cold, wet, slippery, overcast...and traffic wasn't being nice to me. It seems due to a manufacturing glitch on my model of car, I have to drive even more carefully in wet weather because my breaks lock up and I slide without stopping. (Had an accident once because of it).
So, I'm driving down the street in inclement weather, heavy traffic and I live near Detroit where if you don't drive defensively, you won't survive. I'm driving very cautiously because of the weather, the traffic and the atmosphere when I notice the traffic ahead and to the left of me is coming to a quick halt. Looking to the shoulder on the right, I see the MDOT bus stopped, either to load or unload it's cargo (hehe).
Traffic in the opposite direction was not stopped nor was there a traffic light ahead. There was a greater distance in front of me than in the lane to the left and I proceeded to slow down so that I could come to a stop if the traffic didn't start moving. All of a sudden from the middle of the left lane a few yards ahead, a woman appeared who apparently was trying to get to the MDOT bus before it leaves. Understandable.
I realized in this moment that the traffic had come to a stop because of her. Considering my circumstances, I continued to slow down while trying to make sure I didn't slide into traffic to my left or the bus to my right. And while there was some distance between the woman and I, it wasn't a great deal.
She realized I was not stopped yet she continued fearlessly to step out into my lane and even had the audacity to give me a dirty look and share a few words (which I couldn't hear) to express her dissatisfaction with me as if the world should stop because she was crossing the street.
I managed to stop without hitting her and even expressed some anger myself though she had already crossed. I was angry and shaken. She could have gotten hit. She could have caused an accident. Tons of people could have gotten hurt. And that began the thinking process of relating real life circumstances with spiritual principles.
I recognize this pattern regarding sin, danger and the lack of fear in my own life and even in the lives of others. Oftentimes we step out in harm's way, not even realizing the potential life threatening scenarios we are entering into or creating. Or we may see the potential risks and decide to step out anyway. Frequently we step boldly into circumstances that will harm us and dare others to try to prevent us.
As I examine myself, I notice areas where my eyes have been wide shut. Areas where I have stepped into danger, thinking I was doing the right thing but realized later that I was doing the wrong thing, for the right reasons. Like the woman crossing the street who would risk dodging moving traffic to get onto a bus that was going to take her to her destination, I too have taken foolish risks to do something I find important though wrong (didn't know it at the time), for the right reasons. Perhaps she was going to work so she could provide for her family. Maybe home from work to take care of little children. Maybe to pay her bills. The possibilities are endless to consider.
The incident shook me. The quote I shared, hit me hard today. I'm thankful for having the last week to contemplate what taking foolish risks look like so that I can glean spiritual truths. My eyes are not always wide open, but for a moment in time... today... they are. And I pray that I remain cautious, ever aware of impending danger so that I don't harm myself or anyone else by my choices.
~Linda~
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Santa Claus Theology
Listening to some Christmas music online this morning, I had a moment of...clarity? Insanity? Not sure which, LOL! So, I figured I'd share with you and let you decide. Heh!
We've all heard the song, Santa Claus is Coming to Town. It's a classic tune that we've all sung as little children during the holiday season. I'm too lazy to look up the original author so if you want to know you'll have to be more inspired than I am. ;)
But, I do know the lyrics:
You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
He's making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming to town
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!
O! You better watch out!
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town
For whatever reason, as I listened today I found myself comparing the words to this song with the notion of God that I've seen many people espouse. That of an angry God. One that is coming and you better be good out of terror. Terror that He is making a list, checking it twice and will reward those that obey out of fear while eternally punishing those that didn't heed the warning.
I used to be one of those people. One that was terrorized at the thought of how righteous He was and how righteous He expected me to be....or else! Let me be clear here, I do not discount the effectiveness that such terror can initially have on a person and their relationship with God. I think He can and does use that teaching to His advantage (as He works good from all things) to draw people to Himself. I do think however, that it is merely a tool in an arsenal of many.
The scriptures teach that fear is the beginning of wisdom. Many teach that fear in this sense is the terror I once felt. Terror of hellfire. Terror of being sent there because I've done far worse than Adam and Eve or other biblical characters that I've read about. When I looked at their lives and compared them with my own, I absolutely knew I deserved a far worse fate than they did.
Through study and prayer, I've personally come to believe fear means reverence in this regard. We're also taught through scripture that perfect love casts out all fear. I came to know a God who loves perfectly. Though I do need to revere Him, in time He showed me that I do not need to live in terror of Him.
I do believe that He knows when I'm naughty or nice and that it matters to Him. Mostly because He's been showing me what love looks like and when we don't have others' best interest at heart, we are not loving them. And His desire is that we love Him and love one another.
May we all come to know very intimately, how perfect love casts out all fear and may we never subscribe to Santa Claus theology. ;)
~the Attimeister~
We've all heard the song, Santa Claus is Coming to Town. It's a classic tune that we've all sung as little children during the holiday season. I'm too lazy to look up the original author so if you want to know you'll have to be more inspired than I am. ;)
But, I do know the lyrics:
You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
He's making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming to town
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!
O! You better watch out!
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town
For whatever reason, as I listened today I found myself comparing the words to this song with the notion of God that I've seen many people espouse. That of an angry God. One that is coming and you better be good out of terror. Terror that He is making a list, checking it twice and will reward those that obey out of fear while eternally punishing those that didn't heed the warning.
I used to be one of those people. One that was terrorized at the thought of how righteous He was and how righteous He expected me to be....or else! Let me be clear here, I do not discount the effectiveness that such terror can initially have on a person and their relationship with God. I think He can and does use that teaching to His advantage (as He works good from all things) to draw people to Himself. I do think however, that it is merely a tool in an arsenal of many.
The scriptures teach that fear is the beginning of wisdom. Many teach that fear in this sense is the terror I once felt. Terror of hellfire. Terror of being sent there because I've done far worse than Adam and Eve or other biblical characters that I've read about. When I looked at their lives and compared them with my own, I absolutely knew I deserved a far worse fate than they did.
Through study and prayer, I've personally come to believe fear means reverence in this regard. We're also taught through scripture that perfect love casts out all fear. I came to know a God who loves perfectly. Though I do need to revere Him, in time He showed me that I do not need to live in terror of Him.
I do believe that He knows when I'm naughty or nice and that it matters to Him. Mostly because He's been showing me what love looks like and when we don't have others' best interest at heart, we are not loving them. And His desire is that we love Him and love one another.
May we all come to know very intimately, how perfect love casts out all fear and may we never subscribe to Santa Claus theology. ;)
~the Attimeister~
Sexual Healing
We've all heard the old Marvin Gaye song depicting an enormous sexual appetite that needs appeasing (it's a pretty catchy tune!). And as humans we've all experienced to some degree, the longing Gaye describes for fulfillment and gratification of our sexual appetites. That longing in and of itself is not wrong in my opinion, as we were all created with an innate desire for sexual relationships and connectedness. It's a beautiful gift given to us by our Creator.
While Gaye defines sexual healing by the pleasing of the flesh, I have had a very different encounter with sexual healing in my life. One that has roots in some very dark and desolate places where God illuminated my heart and mind to free me from my brokenness.
Without going into specifics and making this an X rated blog entry, I will share generally what I'm referring to...
As a young girl, I was molested by a close family friend. Though I had no idea what that experience meant at that time, I came to understand many, many years later as I learned more about sex and all that it entails. As I got older, when I was 14, I was raped at a party and lost my virginity to a boy who I didn't desire to give it to.
Those experiences, I'm learning, have had a very deep and powerful impact on my life in a very negative way. There was already terrible and ugly issues in my home life....an absent father and a mentally ill mother (though we didn't know it at the time) who was doing her best to raise a family on her own.
The rape was probably one of the biggest defining moments of my life. It sent me on a very destructive path and lead me into dark places that I desperately wanted to escape from but didn't know how.
I was very depressed and became suicidal. I started drinking alcohol to cope with the hurt and pain. Days, weeks, months and years blurred into one another as I longed to experience what it meant to be loved and accepted and sought it through various experiences with boys and men who told me they loved me but only dishonored me and my body. And truth be told, I didn't know love then either.
In a very intense contemplative prayer session, I recently learned that my response to the things I endured and even proactively participated in, was very unhealthy. And of course, I'm not sure most young girls know how to cope in a healthy way to such things.
In that session, God spoke to my heart and revealed to me that it was never His desire for me to be molested, raped or used. He revealed to me that it was never his desire for me to run to alcohol for comfort. He also revealed to me that it was never His desire for their brokenness to harm me. He didn't desire for them to be broken either.
As a young girl, I don't suppose I ever addressed these things. I merely survived them. Very poorly at that. Through the grace, mercy and love of God, I have now come to understand that the choices we made, grieved Him. I also came to see those that abused me in light of God's love for them as well.
God is healing me from my sexual past...the hurts done by others; the hurts and consequences of my own choices. God has forgiven me and I release them from whatever injustices done to me. I release them from judgment. I release myself also.
My God is so wonderful and loving that He will take my hand and travel with me through the darkest doors of my life, through my pain, through my past...in order that He may make me whole. I thank Him for allowing me to see these boys/men in light of their brokenness and need for Him. I don't know if any of these men know Him today, but I know He loves them just as much as He loves me. That is beautiful, liberating and healing!
~Linda~
While Gaye defines sexual healing by the pleasing of the flesh, I have had a very different encounter with sexual healing in my life. One that has roots in some very dark and desolate places where God illuminated my heart and mind to free me from my brokenness.
Without going into specifics and making this an X rated blog entry, I will share generally what I'm referring to...
As a young girl, I was molested by a close family friend. Though I had no idea what that experience meant at that time, I came to understand many, many years later as I learned more about sex and all that it entails. As I got older, when I was 14, I was raped at a party and lost my virginity to a boy who I didn't desire to give it to.
Those experiences, I'm learning, have had a very deep and powerful impact on my life in a very negative way. There was already terrible and ugly issues in my home life....an absent father and a mentally ill mother (though we didn't know it at the time) who was doing her best to raise a family on her own.
The rape was probably one of the biggest defining moments of my life. It sent me on a very destructive path and lead me into dark places that I desperately wanted to escape from but didn't know how.
I was very depressed and became suicidal. I started drinking alcohol to cope with the hurt and pain. Days, weeks, months and years blurred into one another as I longed to experience what it meant to be loved and accepted and sought it through various experiences with boys and men who told me they loved me but only dishonored me and my body. And truth be told, I didn't know love then either.
In a very intense contemplative prayer session, I recently learned that my response to the things I endured and even proactively participated in, was very unhealthy. And of course, I'm not sure most young girls know how to cope in a healthy way to such things.
In that session, God spoke to my heart and revealed to me that it was never His desire for me to be molested, raped or used. He revealed to me that it was never his desire for me to run to alcohol for comfort. He also revealed to me that it was never His desire for their brokenness to harm me. He didn't desire for them to be broken either.
As a young girl, I don't suppose I ever addressed these things. I merely survived them. Very poorly at that. Through the grace, mercy and love of God, I have now come to understand that the choices we made, grieved Him. I also came to see those that abused me in light of God's love for them as well.
God is healing me from my sexual past...the hurts done by others; the hurts and consequences of my own choices. God has forgiven me and I release them from whatever injustices done to me. I release them from judgment. I release myself also.
My God is so wonderful and loving that He will take my hand and travel with me through the darkest doors of my life, through my pain, through my past...in order that He may make me whole. I thank Him for allowing me to see these boys/men in light of their brokenness and need for Him. I don't know if any of these men know Him today, but I know He loves them just as much as He loves me. That is beautiful, liberating and healing!
~Linda~
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About Me
- atti2dchic
- I'm a Christian who questions many of the commonly held beliefs of evangelical Christianity. I don't claim to know it all nor do I expect I ever will. But in a few areas, I have found answers that satisfy my desire to understand. And I continue to hunger and thirst for Him. To know Him and to worship Him in spirit and in truth.