Wonderful reminders of beauty and God's glory

Been meaning to write about this but life sometimes can be so chaotic that I never manage to find the time. Ironically, it's why I'm writing about this. LOL!

The last few months (years really) have been rushed, chaotic and downright overwhelming at times. Doctor appointments, church, school events, family crisis, everyday living ... each somehow seem to cause one day to blur into another quite frequently. The holiday season beginning with the preparation for Thanksgiving always compounds the hustle and bustle which goes throughout the new year. It's common to all of us who celebrate these holidays, I think. And don't get me wrong, I love the season (minus the snow and winter chill, doh!) and all that it entails. It's just that sometimes when I'm running around from morning till night, I find that my patience wears thin (especially dealing with holiday traffic and crowds) and I can get quite irritable by the time I get home and my body is begging me for rest which it may or may not get depending on what still needs to get done.

So Tuesday night after a very long day I came home to find an unexpected beautiful array of roses waiting for my loving touch. In that moment, I was reminded of the beauty of flowers, the wonderful scents and the need to slow down and be filled with the wonders of God's creation, no matter how busy life gets.

Greg, you always somehow seem to know exactly what I need and your timing is impeccable! Thank you for the beautiful gift of beauty and the reminder to enjoy the world around me. I don't have a camera anymore (mine broke after my grandson was born :( ) or I would take a picture once they all bloom and share my joy with you. They are just beginning to open up and they are so pretty. Thank you, friend. *hugs*

~Appreciative~

Challenge Week 2

"Find a way to give generously and sacrificially of your time or money. You don't have to start up a non profit organization or spend a fortune but if someone asks you for a few bucks on the street, or help with a move, don't say no or make up an excuse. Try saying yes. Find a way to respond generously and don't worry about the results.

You can keep your eyes open for an opportunity (they're everywhere), or plan in advance for how you want to complete this challenge. Either way, do it this week- remember, this can be simple - and you don't have to wait for someone to ask you to do something for them."

This passage is based on Luke 6:30-31 & Matthew 5:42.

This too is something God has been dealing with my heart on a various times and various ways for many years. Recently I came across a couple of blogs by John Piper that have really resonated within me and I'll share them here: http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/2027_i_have_not_always_obeyed_this_command/ and http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/2031_give_to_the_one_who_begs_from_you_part_2/

I believe God has brought me to a place that I'm supposed to give without questioning the motives of the one begging. Within reason, of course. I mean if someone were to ask for drugs, I don't suggest we should run to the nearest crack house and hook them up. But if they are hungry or have healthy physical, emotional or spiritual needs that we can meet, I believe we should.

I was convinced that this challenge would be easy since I am very convicted of this truth. Man, was I wrong!

I have prayed that God would provide the opportunity/ies for me to fulfill this week's challenge. Which I think is a great prayer. I should have been also praying that He would help me to trust Him more to complete it.

Yesterday, I picked my mom up to bring her to my place for dinner. I was missing one of the key ingredients so I had to stop at the store on the way home. I knew we only had a couple of hours to get home, cook, eat and stuff before I would have to have her back home.

So, on the way out of the store there was a woman who stopped us and asked if either of us smoked or had a cigarette. Well, I don't smoke and for about 10 years or so now my mom has not smoked. We simply told her we didn't smoke and I apologized for not being able to meet her need (which I realize is not a healthy need). I certainly wasn't going to go buy her a pack of cigarettes! So, all is good so far.

We started to walk away and head to the car. But the woman kept talking to us as we were the only people around. She was saying something to the effect of really needing a cigarette badly and how she was stranded. Yup, stranded.

Immediately a hundred thoughts passed through my cerebral cavity all the while I kept walking slowly away. As I looked at her piercing eyes a huge part of me wanted to stop and do something. Anything. Something helpful. But, much to my shame, I did not. I walked to my car, got in and drove off.

As I was driving I thought about the pang of guilt I was experiencing and considered my options or in clearer terms, I began to make excuses. "I had my mom with me and we were on limited time" I told myself. "She didn't actually ask for something I could have provided and didn't" was another thought. It crossed my mind that I could have put myself and mom my at risk of danger by offering this woman a ride to..wherever.

And in the busyness of the evening I put it out of my mind and went on with my plans. We came home, made dinner together and had a great meal. We visited for a bit and then I took mom home. We had a great evening together.

Later when I was alone with me and God, I began to replay the event in my mind. Over and over again, I kept being drawn back to the look in her eyes as I walked away. I was reminded of the story of the good Samaritan. Something I was fully aware, that I was not.

I also was reminded of Hebrews 13:2 Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

....and I wept. I wept knowing that I failed. That although God has clearly taught me to help strangers, I am not as willing to obey as I thought. At least not without question. I wanted to help. I did. But I still made excuses. I'm not sure why. Could it have been that I feared taking risk? Possibly. Could it be that I simply didn't want to be confronted with it in the midst of my plans? Sure. Was it maybe that I prejudged this woman by her appearance? Perhaps.

I don't know exactly why I didn't respond how I think I should have. But I feel horrible about it. Not that I think He desires for me to feel horrible but that I know in my heart I could have done something and didn't. I know He loves me and forgives me for not responding in faith. But I pray that He give me another opportunity and that I won't waste it. That I won't be selfish. But that I will be willing to hear His voice and do as He asks.

Challenge Week 1

"Show some love to someone you think is undeserving of your favor. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture and it doesn't have to cost a cent. But it does have to be genuine and no strings attached."

This week's challenge did not come as a surprise to me when I got it (there were different challenges). It's something God has been speaking to my heart about for at least two years. Is it easy? By no means. But is it possible? To live in such a way that we can overcome our dislikes, prejudices, judgmental attitudes, etc. toward others and be so radical as to love them? Absolutely!

Jesus was our example in how to love selflessly. He regularly stressed living open-handedly and without expectation. How can we learn to do the same? By desperately relying on Him to change our hearts and give us opportunities to put the same principles into practice that Jesus did.

Jesus forgave those that were nailing him to a cross. He asked his Father to do the same. Are we willing to see them through the lens of love? Would we dare ask our Father to forgive those that would harm us? Those that would belittle us? Those that are combative, confrontational and provocative? Are we willing to do good to them as Jesus suggests?

Yeah, it's not so easy and I'm struggling with this to be honest. But God is changing my attitude toward the notion and I pray that He give me a heart that willfully obeys. The desire is there and He is and will bring the opportunities.

I won't share what I did to complete this week's challenge or to whom I did it to. I will say that it wasn't a grand gesture nor did it cost me anything. But it was sincere and it came with no expectations of anything in return. And the individual that I loved in a small way was surprised. Did they see God in it? Most likely not. But I am able to grow and become more like Him when I can try to see others as people of unsurpassable worth to a God who loves them.

Small Group

I recently joined a small group at church (my first time) and it's been really interesting so far. I am not allowed to share anyone elses personal information (nor would I want to) but I am allowed to share my own experiences.

The group is called Reset and we are attempting to reset our assumptions about Jesus and try to more fully grasp who he was through scripture reading, sharing personal insights, introspective homework and weekly challenges over the next six weeks. You can learn more about it here: http://kensingtonchurch.org/messages/

I've found it quite rewarding already and my weekly challenges (we've only had two so far) have both been on issues God has been speaking to me quite clearly about for a while now. I hope to share more about each in the next couple of blogs. Looking forward to being honest, reflective and transparent as I navigate through this journey.

~The Attimeister~

Numb and Depleted...Lord Replenish Me!

It's been a very difficult few weeks lately. Family emergencies, the death of my son's uncle, having company in town, back problems flaring up.... all have taken much of my time and energy and I'm feeling desperately depleted....even numb to some degree. And for anyone who knows me, that is not normal. I usually wear my heart on my sleeve (a blessing and a curse!) and will cry at a good Hallmark commercial. But lately I haven't been able to cry. It's not that I don't feel or experience emotion because I do. I just don't fully know why it's been this way.

I know I have been so busy that I haven't had much time for my spiritual needs and thus they have taken a back seat to the cares of the world. I do think that is probably the biggest reason for me feeling as I do. I also think that I have spent so much of the last 2 years taking care of everyone else's needs that I haven't had any time to really take care of my own. On occasion yes, but sometimes I'm bombarded with everyone else's problems and in the midst of that, God has guided me to do for others while He has taken care of mine (praise God!).

It's not that I don't desire to help others. I do. I take seriously Jesus' call to love God and love others as ourselves. And I strive to live my life with that attitude. Not only in thought but in action. I suppose I feel that I'm rarely if ever, replenished by other humans. And I know that in the grand scheme of things, that is not at all very important. So why does it affect me? I know that I have the greatest kind of love known to mankind given to me freely by the Creator of the Universe! Why is that sometimes not enough? I don't know the answers to that question. I suppose I'm lonely. I desire to be loved by my family, friends, even still desire to have the love of a man. It may be that I understand that we were not created to be alone but that we were designed to live in loving community and in commune with God and others. Yet my family is not that.

Yes, I am very grateful for my relationship with God and with those close friends in faith that I can experience that kind of relationship with. But it is not something I'm surrounded with. I know that I was in a place of isolation so that I could learn to lean on Him through anything and everything. I am certain that it's no different today...although I'm not as isolated as I once was.

May my Lord and my God teach me to live in constant communion with Him and may I become fully aware of His love and be joyful for that is such a great blessing. Lord, replenish me and open my eyes to see that where I feel I lack, you stand in the gap. Amen!

And wouldn't you know, now the tears come. :)

Family Gatherings, Building Relationships and Closure

Lately I've had a few. And I thank God for them. It's been a desire of mine to try to bring my family closer together for a few years now. Despite my efforts, it hasn't been an easy task unfortunately.

I mentioned in my last blog that I met with some family members on my dad's side that I didn't really know much about. I had met them when I was younger and once or twice since I've grown up but there hasn't been any real contact with them partly due to my busy life and perhaps partly due to uncertainty about how to approach the issue.

I have been very pleasantly surprised to have my cousin Mary reach out to me and my family and encourage building relationships. I personally view this as answer to prayer.

So, my girls and I went to lunch at her house (she actually lives closer than I thought) where I met with all of her sisters with the exception of one. We spent a few hours laughing, talking, learning about each other, looking at photo albums and having a great time while eating some good food. Who could ask for more?

There were a few moments of sadness as some painful family issues came up and I cried a few tears. I think mostly because some of the things I've tried hard not to believe about my father (who I did not know much about) I learned, were true. They did tell me that my dad was also a good, kind man who would help anyone who needed help which allowed me to see him through their eyes.

As we were finishing up our conversations and as some of the sisters were leaving, Mary brought out a box that she had set aside as a keepsake box just for me. She opened it and began showing me the items inside. There were some doilies, handkerchiefs, china items, papers, books that had been my dad's when he was a young boy, the guest book from my father's funeral, and his wedding ring. Not sure it is the wedding ring he exchanged with my mom or not as he had a prior marriage...but it's not really important although I would like to believe it's from his marriage to my mom.

I have very few memories of my father. Some of them, not so good. But I will not focus on those here. I will share a couple of the good ones. I remember him picking up my brother and I and taking us to a local fair. I remember him taking us to a Thanksgiving Day Parade. I remember that when I told him that I was a young, pregnant, unwed mother I don't remember him exhibiting disgust or disdain for me although he was disappointed in my choices, understandably. And when I was in the hospital giving birth to my first child, he set aside his differences with my mom and he came to be there with me. I was shocked actually.

He did get to see and hold his first grandchild ...the only one he would ever meet face to face as he passed 2 years later, just after the birth of my second. I can only imagine that had we had more time together as adults, I would have learned the kind of man he was. I think I wept more for that reason at his funeral than any other.

A few days ago I had my mom, my siblings and my kids here for a family gathering as well. We grilled some good food and enjoyed each other's company. After I took my mom home I sat down with my only full blood brother from my mom and dad (my other brother was here too though) and shared the events of that day.

He is very bitter. Perhaps there are valid reasons for some of what he's feeling. I'm trying not to be judgmental about it. I'm not trying to convince him not to feel what he feels. But I have encouraged him to let it go and forgive. He's not ready. And I believe that it's only by the grace of God that I have been able to forgive my mom and dad and yes, even God, for the tragic events and suffering of our youth. It is my prayer that God will begin that work in my brother also so that he can be free from the hurt, the pain and the brokenness.

I know that there are still negative effects of the brokenness my family endured which manifest in my life in various ways. But as God reveals those things to me, painful as they are, He also comforts me with the love a broken earthly father and mother could never produce. And I am so thankful for the closure that He has given me on this issue. There is more work to be done, no doubt. And there are relationships that need building and repairing and healing that needs to take place. And I trust with all of my heart that my God and my Father will indeed guide me through it all.

I am learning what a father is supposed to be by observing what the only Father I've ever really known, does. :)

Family Reunion of Sorts and Community

I was finally able to spend some time with my cousins on my dad's side of the family that I haven't seen but once (maybe twice, I don't remember) in the last 25-30 years. It was nice. We shared a lot of laughs a few tears, some good and some painful conversation. I may share more about that later....it's been an emotionally draining day. But a good one.

The Day Camp ended today and although we didn't get to stay for the ending (because of my family gathering), I know it was pretty cool. There are ample opportunities to reach out to our own communities if we only have the heart of a servant.

It comes as no surprise that God is showing me the importance of community while He's giving opportunities for healing in my family.

Lord, continue to press upon me the value of community, new opportunities to experience the family that I have not known and please bless me with a servant's heart. Amen.