It's been a very difficult few weeks lately. Family emergencies, the death of my son's uncle, having company in town, back problems flaring up.... all have taken much of my time and energy and I'm feeling desperately depleted....even numb to some degree. And for anyone who knows me, that is not normal. I usually wear my heart on my sleeve (a blessing and a curse!) and will cry at a good Hallmark commercial. But lately I haven't been able to cry. It's not that I don't feel or experience emotion because I do. I just don't fully know why it's been this way.
I know I have been so busy that I haven't had much time for my spiritual needs and thus they have taken a back seat to the cares of the world. I do think that is probably the biggest reason for me feeling as I do. I also think that I have spent so much of the last 2 years taking care of everyone else's needs that I haven't had any time to really take care of my own. On occasion yes, but sometimes I'm bombarded with everyone else's problems and in the midst of that, God has guided me to do for others while He has taken care of mine (praise God!).
It's not that I don't desire to help others. I do. I take seriously Jesus' call to love God and love others as ourselves. And I strive to live my life with that attitude. Not only in thought but in action. I suppose I feel that I'm rarely if ever, replenished by other humans. And I know that in the grand scheme of things, that is not at all very important. So why does it affect me? I know that I have the greatest kind of love known to mankind given to me freely by the Creator of the Universe! Why is that sometimes not enough? I don't know the answers to that question. I suppose I'm lonely. I desire to be loved by my family, friends, even still desire to have the love of a man. It may be that I understand that we were not created to be alone but that we were designed to live in loving community and in commune with God and others. Yet my family is not that.
Yes, I am very grateful for my relationship with God and with those close friends in faith that I can experience that kind of relationship with. But it is not something I'm surrounded with. I know that I was in a place of isolation so that I could learn to lean on Him through anything and everything. I am certain that it's no different today...although I'm not as isolated as I once was.
May my Lord and my God teach me to live in constant communion with Him and may I become fully aware of His love and be joyful for that is such a great blessing. Lord, replenish me and open my eyes to see that where I feel I lack, you stand in the gap. Amen!
And wouldn't you know, now the tears come. :)
Monday, September 7, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Family Gatherings, Building Relationships and Closure
Lately I've had a few. And I thank God for them. It's been a desire of mine to try to bring my family closer together for a few years now. Despite my efforts, it hasn't been an easy task unfortunately.
I mentioned in my last blog that I met with some family members on my dad's side that I didn't really know much about. I had met them when I was younger and once or twice since I've grown up but there hasn't been any real contact with them partly due to my busy life and perhaps partly due to uncertainty about how to approach the issue.
I have been very pleasantly surprised to have my cousin Mary reach out to me and my family and encourage building relationships. I personally view this as answer to prayer.
So, my girls and I went to lunch at her house (she actually lives closer than I thought) where I met with all of her sisters with the exception of one. We spent a few hours laughing, talking, learning about each other, looking at photo albums and having a great time while eating some good food. Who could ask for more?
There were a few moments of sadness as some painful family issues came up and I cried a few tears. I think mostly because some of the things I've tried hard not to believe about my father (who I did not know much about) I learned, were true. They did tell me that my dad was also a good, kind man who would help anyone who needed help which allowed me to see him through their eyes.
As we were finishing up our conversations and as some of the sisters were leaving, Mary brought out a box that she had set aside as a keepsake box just for me. She opened it and began showing me the items inside. There were some doilies, handkerchiefs, china items, papers, books that had been my dad's when he was a young boy, the guest book from my father's funeral, and his wedding ring. Not sure it is the wedding ring he exchanged with my mom or not as he had a prior marriage...but it's not really important although I would like to believe it's from his marriage to my mom.
I have very few memories of my father. Some of them, not so good. But I will not focus on those here. I will share a couple of the good ones. I remember him picking up my brother and I and taking us to a local fair. I remember him taking us to a Thanksgiving Day Parade. I remember that when I told him that I was a young, pregnant, unwed mother I don't remember him exhibiting disgust or disdain for me although he was disappointed in my choices, understandably. And when I was in the hospital giving birth to my first child, he set aside his differences with my mom and he came to be there with me. I was shocked actually.
He did get to see and hold his first grandchild ...the only one he would ever meet face to face as he passed 2 years later, just after the birth of my second. I can only imagine that had we had more time together as adults, I would have learned the kind of man he was. I think I wept more for that reason at his funeral than any other.
A few days ago I had my mom, my siblings and my kids here for a family gathering as well. We grilled some good food and enjoyed each other's company. After I took my mom home I sat down with my only full blood brother from my mom and dad (my other brother was here too though) and shared the events of that day.
He is very bitter. Perhaps there are valid reasons for some of what he's feeling. I'm trying not to be judgmental about it. I'm not trying to convince him not to feel what he feels. But I have encouraged him to let it go and forgive. He's not ready. And I believe that it's only by the grace of God that I have been able to forgive my mom and dad and yes, even God, for the tragic events and suffering of our youth. It is my prayer that God will begin that work in my brother also so that he can be free from the hurt, the pain and the brokenness.
I know that there are still negative effects of the brokenness my family endured which manifest in my life in various ways. But as God reveals those things to me, painful as they are, He also comforts me with the love a broken earthly father and mother could never produce. And I am so thankful for the closure that He has given me on this issue. There is more work to be done, no doubt. And there are relationships that need building and repairing and healing that needs to take place. And I trust with all of my heart that my God and my Father will indeed guide me through it all.
I am learning what a father is supposed to be by observing what the only Father I've ever really known, does. :)
I mentioned in my last blog that I met with some family members on my dad's side that I didn't really know much about. I had met them when I was younger and once or twice since I've grown up but there hasn't been any real contact with them partly due to my busy life and perhaps partly due to uncertainty about how to approach the issue.
I have been very pleasantly surprised to have my cousin Mary reach out to me and my family and encourage building relationships. I personally view this as answer to prayer.
So, my girls and I went to lunch at her house (she actually lives closer than I thought) where I met with all of her sisters with the exception of one. We spent a few hours laughing, talking, learning about each other, looking at photo albums and having a great time while eating some good food. Who could ask for more?
There were a few moments of sadness as some painful family issues came up and I cried a few tears. I think mostly because some of the things I've tried hard not to believe about my father (who I did not know much about) I learned, were true. They did tell me that my dad was also a good, kind man who would help anyone who needed help which allowed me to see him through their eyes.
As we were finishing up our conversations and as some of the sisters were leaving, Mary brought out a box that she had set aside as a keepsake box just for me. She opened it and began showing me the items inside. There were some doilies, handkerchiefs, china items, papers, books that had been my dad's when he was a young boy, the guest book from my father's funeral, and his wedding ring. Not sure it is the wedding ring he exchanged with my mom or not as he had a prior marriage...but it's not really important although I would like to believe it's from his marriage to my mom.
I have very few memories of my father. Some of them, not so good. But I will not focus on those here. I will share a couple of the good ones. I remember him picking up my brother and I and taking us to a local fair. I remember him taking us to a Thanksgiving Day Parade. I remember that when I told him that I was a young, pregnant, unwed mother I don't remember him exhibiting disgust or disdain for me although he was disappointed in my choices, understandably. And when I was in the hospital giving birth to my first child, he set aside his differences with my mom and he came to be there with me. I was shocked actually.
He did get to see and hold his first grandchild ...the only one he would ever meet face to face as he passed 2 years later, just after the birth of my second. I can only imagine that had we had more time together as adults, I would have learned the kind of man he was. I think I wept more for that reason at his funeral than any other.
A few days ago I had my mom, my siblings and my kids here for a family gathering as well. We grilled some good food and enjoyed each other's company. After I took my mom home I sat down with my only full blood brother from my mom and dad (my other brother was here too though) and shared the events of that day.
He is very bitter. Perhaps there are valid reasons for some of what he's feeling. I'm trying not to be judgmental about it. I'm not trying to convince him not to feel what he feels. But I have encouraged him to let it go and forgive. He's not ready. And I believe that it's only by the grace of God that I have been able to forgive my mom and dad and yes, even God, for the tragic events and suffering of our youth. It is my prayer that God will begin that work in my brother also so that he can be free from the hurt, the pain and the brokenness.
I know that there are still negative effects of the brokenness my family endured which manifest in my life in various ways. But as God reveals those things to me, painful as they are, He also comforts me with the love a broken earthly father and mother could never produce. And I am so thankful for the closure that He has given me on this issue. There is more work to be done, no doubt. And there are relationships that need building and repairing and healing that needs to take place. And I trust with all of my heart that my God and my Father will indeed guide me through it all.
I am learning what a father is supposed to be by observing what the only Father I've ever really known, does. :)
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Family Reunion of Sorts and Community
I was finally able to spend some time with my cousins on my dad's side of the family that I haven't seen but once (maybe twice, I don't remember) in the last 25-30 years. It was nice. We shared a lot of laughs a few tears, some good and some painful conversation. I may share more about that later....it's been an emotionally draining day. But a good one.
The Day Camp ended today and although we didn't get to stay for the ending (because of my family gathering), I know it was pretty cool. There are ample opportunities to reach out to our own communities if we only have the heart of a servant.
It comes as no surprise that God is showing me the importance of community while He's giving opportunities for healing in my family.
Lord, continue to press upon me the value of community, new opportunities to experience the family that I have not known and please bless me with a servant's heart. Amen.
The Day Camp ended today and although we didn't get to stay for the ending (because of my family gathering), I know it was pretty cool. There are ample opportunities to reach out to our own communities if we only have the heart of a servant.
It comes as no surprise that God is showing me the importance of community while He's giving opportunities for healing in my family.
Lord, continue to press upon me the value of community, new opportunities to experience the family that I have not known and please bless me with a servant's heart. Amen.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Tired and Full
I am one exhausted lady tonight! I can hardly move I'm so sore. But I'm full. Not full because I've eaten food (although that's true too) but full of life at the moment.
I volunteered tonight at my local community center with many others from my church. Day camp for the underprivileged in my city. Although it was exhausting and all that, it was well worth it. I'm glad my daughter and I volunteered to help.
There was one little boy who wasn't supposed to be in my group but we allowed him to stay anyway. He didn't say much. He definitely stood out from the rest to me. He seemed to be heavy about something. I tried to engage him more because if that and he opened up a little and joined in the things we were doing. I don't know what it is he's going through, but I will be praying for him especially tonight. Whatever burdens this little boy has, may he look to God. And may God look over little Tyrese and help him in whatever troubles he's facing. Lord give him comfort.
This is what loving others is all about. I pray that I'm able to help out again tomorrow. And I pray that what we're doing has an impact here.
I volunteered tonight at my local community center with many others from my church. Day camp for the underprivileged in my city. Although it was exhausting and all that, it was well worth it. I'm glad my daughter and I volunteered to help.
There was one little boy who wasn't supposed to be in my group but we allowed him to stay anyway. He didn't say much. He definitely stood out from the rest to me. He seemed to be heavy about something. I tried to engage him more because if that and he opened up a little and joined in the things we were doing. I don't know what it is he's going through, but I will be praying for him especially tonight. Whatever burdens this little boy has, may he look to God. And may God look over little Tyrese and help him in whatever troubles he's facing. Lord give him comfort.
This is what loving others is all about. I pray that I'm able to help out again tomorrow. And I pray that what we're doing has an impact here.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
The Judgment/Restoration of God
God placed a few passages into my mind the other night in response to a plea for help in a hopeless moment. Each of them expressed God's sovereignty, power, mercy and protection.
As I pray for my daughter, granddaughter and unborn grandchild, God spoke clearly to my heart that He is going to come and judge the situation. That He does not stand back forever and allow oppression and abuse. And in the end He will bring good from it.
As I look back over my life I can see the ways where He was working to free me from abuse. And I can definitely see where He's been working in my daughter's life...even if she's not ready yet.
I believe I've come to the place where I can see God's judgments as the ways He is busy going about restoring the world to Himself, to health and to peace.
I have many more thoughts circling through my mind but this really is all that need be said:
Lord, come quickly!
As I pray for my daughter, granddaughter and unborn grandchild, God spoke clearly to my heart that He is going to come and judge the situation. That He does not stand back forever and allow oppression and abuse. And in the end He will bring good from it.
As I look back over my life I can see the ways where He was working to free me from abuse. And I can definitely see where He's been working in my daughter's life...even if she's not ready yet.
I believe I've come to the place where I can see God's judgments as the ways He is busy going about restoring the world to Himself, to health and to peace.
I have many more thoughts circling through my mind but this really is all that need be said:
Lord, come quickly!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Loving Unconditionally and Letting Go
Struggling between letting someone I love go, and loving them unconditionally. And I'm not sure I know the difference or if there even is one. I believe God loves radically and unconditionally yet at the same time, I see Him turning over His people to reprobation, chastising them and being angry with them. Does He stop loving them? I don't think so. I think it probably breaks His heart to withdraw His blessings from them. He does this perfectly. I'm not Him. I know my limits. I understand to some degree why I struggle. Where does He draw the line? Where do we? Do we even? How do you begin to love unconditionally?
I don't know the answers to some of these questions but I have the desire to love unconditionally, in my heart. At least sometimes. My heart is breaking and I'm in a place where I have to figure it all out in a very short time. I certainly hope that I can.
At the moment, all I can do is cry out to the One who knows how to love unconditionally, to teach me what that looks like and ask Him to help me to be transformed because the desire alone is not sufficient.
God help me!
I don't know the answers to some of these questions but I have the desire to love unconditionally, in my heart. At least sometimes. My heart is breaking and I'm in a place where I have to figure it all out in a very short time. I certainly hope that I can.
At the moment, all I can do is cry out to the One who knows how to love unconditionally, to teach me what that looks like and ask Him to help me to be transformed because the desire alone is not sufficient.
God help me!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Merry-Go-Rounds and The Effects of Sin
Took the family to the park and had an incident where my 2 year old granddaughter Sharai got sick from spinning on the merry-go-round.
At first she didn't really notice the motion because it was new and fascinating to her. It didn't seem to affect her as she laughed and giggled and wanted more. After a few more spins, she started to look a little discomforted so Chantaé stopped the merry-go-round to let her get off. But she didn't want to get off. She didn't realize the danger that lie ahead if she continued on the ride.
After a few more spins though, her head started swaying, her face started to look contorted and I knew she was feeling ill. I made them stop to get her off. I had hoped that we had stopped in time for her stomach to calm down and feel better. That was not the case. She hurled all over Chantaé and herself.
Needless to say, it took everything Chantaé had in her not to hurl, herself. And when I got close enough and tried to help, I nearly lost my stomach too.
We immediately left the park and drove home to get them cleaned up. After having a bath and everything Sharai still whined and whimpered the rest of the night. I'm sure she was still feeling the effects of her ordeal because she vomited again in my bed later. And yes, I really nearly hurled then.
How does that relate to the effects of sin in our lives? Well, I'm glad you asked. ;)
I think when we first get on the ride of (fill in the particulars) "merry-go-sin", we don't see the potential dangers or repercussions. We simply see potential for fun. And at first it may very well be fun because we aren't aware of the impending danger. But as we keep riding and spinning we begin to slightly feel the ramifications. At first we aren't sure whether or not we should stop and get off the ride, or stay on.
Sometimes we have others come along and warn us what will happen if we stay on. Perhaps they too once rode on that ride. They try to help us get off but we insist on staying where we are.
It's not until we begin to feel the effects of our choices that we start to desire to want to get off. Often times by this point, we have set things in motion that we will feel the lasting consequences of long afterward. When we finally step off the ride we can begin to see not only how harmful that particular thing is to us, but how harmful it is to others around us as well. And how we affect them.
May we always be mindful of the choices we make and how they will impact us and those closest to us. And may we always desire to make choices that won't make us or others hurl after we make them.
~Ms Atti~
At first she didn't really notice the motion because it was new and fascinating to her. It didn't seem to affect her as she laughed and giggled and wanted more. After a few more spins, she started to look a little discomforted so Chantaé stopped the merry-go-round to let her get off. But she didn't want to get off. She didn't realize the danger that lie ahead if she continued on the ride.
After a few more spins though, her head started swaying, her face started to look contorted and I knew she was feeling ill. I made them stop to get her off. I had hoped that we had stopped in time for her stomach to calm down and feel better. That was not the case. She hurled all over Chantaé and herself.
Needless to say, it took everything Chantaé had in her not to hurl, herself. And when I got close enough and tried to help, I nearly lost my stomach too.
We immediately left the park and drove home to get them cleaned up. After having a bath and everything Sharai still whined and whimpered the rest of the night. I'm sure she was still feeling the effects of her ordeal because she vomited again in my bed later. And yes, I really nearly hurled then.
How does that relate to the effects of sin in our lives? Well, I'm glad you asked. ;)
I think when we first get on the ride of (fill in the particulars) "merry-go-sin", we don't see the potential dangers or repercussions. We simply see potential for fun. And at first it may very well be fun because we aren't aware of the impending danger. But as we keep riding and spinning we begin to slightly feel the ramifications. At first we aren't sure whether or not we should stop and get off the ride, or stay on.
Sometimes we have others come along and warn us what will happen if we stay on. Perhaps they too once rode on that ride. They try to help us get off but we insist on staying where we are.
It's not until we begin to feel the effects of our choices that we start to desire to want to get off. Often times by this point, we have set things in motion that we will feel the lasting consequences of long afterward. When we finally step off the ride we can begin to see not only how harmful that particular thing is to us, but how harmful it is to others around us as well. And how we affect them.
May we always be mindful of the choices we make and how they will impact us and those closest to us. And may we always desire to make choices that won't make us or others hurl after we make them.
~Ms Atti~
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About Me
- atti2dchic
- I'm a Christian who questions many of the commonly held beliefs of evangelical Christianity. I don't claim to know it all nor do I expect I ever will. But in a few areas, I have found answers that satisfy my desire to understand. And I continue to hunger and thirst for Him. To know Him and to worship Him in spirit and in truth.