Like an infant without knowledge or understanding in knowing how to express their needs, who cries out for someone/anyone to hear and answer and to be comforted..... I weep bitterly.
I fell asleep exhausted after having spent every ounce of energy, in tears of great agony and sorrow. Despair!
He holds me close even when I cannot utter words to seek for consolation and comfort. I lay in His arms and groan in pain, my heart longs to see the end of suffering. I cling to Him in my solitude.
Injustice reigns but for a moment. Tears eventually subside as He wipes them away and He turns our mourning into joy. I long for that day... I know it is coming.
Psalm 57
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Calloused Heart
I briefly sat examining the hands which have seen a great deal of hard labor over the years. I touched and felt the ridges, cracks, hardness, desensitization, as well as the power and strength of the calloused hands.... and wondered exactly what harshness had they seen? What bumps, bruises, scrapes and pain had those hands experienced that brought them to the place of being able to see the visible effects?
Later I sat and contrasted my own hands with his. Hands that had not seen harshness, or much difficulty...hands that were soft, supple and undamaged by hard work. It was then that God taught me a spiritual lesson through tangible means. That though my callouses may not be as visible, they are just as real. And just as pronounced in some ways.
As I sit here typing, I recall many years ago when I had been hurt deeply and wounded greatly, in love. And I remember thinking that I never wanted to take another risk on love because it hurt so gloriously when it failed. But somehow (I didn't know then but I do now) I didn't allow those fears to hinder the thought that love could be true. That it was still possible.
My heart has been bumped, bruised, scraped, cut, bleeding, stepped on, crushed. It has seen great harshness and has wept bitterly but unlike the callouses on his hands, I'm not desensitized. My heart may still be fragile in some ways, but I still believe that all the pain, all the hurt was for a reason and that it's ok to still hope in love.
My heart knows a God who treats my wounds. He tenderly cleans them. He gently tends to my cuts, scrapes and brings healing. He loves me. And because He has shown me what true love looks like, I can begin to love Him and others as He loves me.
Lord, thank you for preventing my heart from hardening altogether. Thank you for keeping my heart soft enough to hope and for tearing away at any form of wall or barrier that has crept in over the years. Thank you for not allowing the callouses on my heart to prevent me from loving. Thank you for keeping me from being embittered. Father, where I fail in loving others as I should, please forgive me. Help me to love even those that aren't easy to love. The desire is there but I need your help.
And thank you for the spiritual revelation that you have given me, for the reminder that just like the hands that labor in various ways in the world...that each of us have been in painful places and our circumstances have caused callouses of the heart that you indeed, can heal.
Amen!
Later I sat and contrasted my own hands with his. Hands that had not seen harshness, or much difficulty...hands that were soft, supple and undamaged by hard work. It was then that God taught me a spiritual lesson through tangible means. That though my callouses may not be as visible, they are just as real. And just as pronounced in some ways.
As I sit here typing, I recall many years ago when I had been hurt deeply and wounded greatly, in love. And I remember thinking that I never wanted to take another risk on love because it hurt so gloriously when it failed. But somehow (I didn't know then but I do now) I didn't allow those fears to hinder the thought that love could be true. That it was still possible.
My heart has been bumped, bruised, scraped, cut, bleeding, stepped on, crushed. It has seen great harshness and has wept bitterly but unlike the callouses on his hands, I'm not desensitized. My heart may still be fragile in some ways, but I still believe that all the pain, all the hurt was for a reason and that it's ok to still hope in love.
My heart knows a God who treats my wounds. He tenderly cleans them. He gently tends to my cuts, scrapes and brings healing. He loves me. And because He has shown me what true love looks like, I can begin to love Him and others as He loves me.
Lord, thank you for preventing my heart from hardening altogether. Thank you for keeping my heart soft enough to hope and for tearing away at any form of wall or barrier that has crept in over the years. Thank you for not allowing the callouses on my heart to prevent me from loving. Thank you for keeping me from being embittered. Father, where I fail in loving others as I should, please forgive me. Help me to love even those that aren't easy to love. The desire is there but I need your help.
And thank you for the spiritual revelation that you have given me, for the reminder that just like the hands that labor in various ways in the world...that each of us have been in painful places and our circumstances have caused callouses of the heart that you indeed, can heal.
Amen!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Who Am I?
Tear stained cheeks were the first thing she noticed as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. She stood searching for quite some time, the image that she recognized, yet didn't. She examined the face, the tears, the soul of the individual who gazed back at her.
She searched the eyes of that individual for clues. Clues that would help her understand. Clues that would identify who she was. But nothing. Sure, she recognized the shell, the body although it was quite disfigured. She knew she was a daughter, a sister, a mother, a friend, a lover, a woman.....but she she didn't yet know herself.
So she asked the woman in the mirror, "Who are you?" No reply came. The hurt that was deep within escaped through more tears, confusion. anger and even hopelessness as she realized that all the convictions that defined her up to that point, were evading her now. She didn't know who the person looking back at her was because that person was living through and coping with things, she never imagined or knew how to break free from. Her face manifested the pain deep within as she wept ...her face distorted from the grief.
She seen the bruises, the swelling, the black eyes, the cuts, the evidence that the body had taken blows that it shouldn't. But that didn't affect her nearly as much as the thought of being lost forever. The thought of dying seemed comforting as it would end the search for answers and would bring freedom.
In her numbness, confusion, pain and suffering....she turned from the reflection in the mirror and pressed on into life, not knowing how things would go...but knowing that they must. That life carries on. It was then that she started to understand that the outside does not dictate who she is on the inside, in the heart and soul of our being. Rather we dictate who we are and she was ready to learn who she could be.
And her journey began.....
She searched the eyes of that individual for clues. Clues that would help her understand. Clues that would identify who she was. But nothing. Sure, she recognized the shell, the body although it was quite disfigured. She knew she was a daughter, a sister, a mother, a friend, a lover, a woman.....but she she didn't yet know herself.
So she asked the woman in the mirror, "Who are you?" No reply came. The hurt that was deep within escaped through more tears, confusion. anger and even hopelessness as she realized that all the convictions that defined her up to that point, were evading her now. She didn't know who the person looking back at her was because that person was living through and coping with things, she never imagined or knew how to break free from. Her face manifested the pain deep within as she wept ...her face distorted from the grief.
She seen the bruises, the swelling, the black eyes, the cuts, the evidence that the body had taken blows that it shouldn't. But that didn't affect her nearly as much as the thought of being lost forever. The thought of dying seemed comforting as it would end the search for answers and would bring freedom.
In her numbness, confusion, pain and suffering....she turned from the reflection in the mirror and pressed on into life, not knowing how things would go...but knowing that they must. That life carries on. It was then that she started to understand that the outside does not dictate who she is on the inside, in the heart and soul of our being. Rather we dictate who we are and she was ready to learn who she could be.
And her journey began.....
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Meaninglessness of Life
Sitting there watching as the fish swam about in their world, unaware of my presence and observing eye, I began to think deeply about the life of fish.
They were all busy doing what fish do. Some were chasing each other playfully. Some were picking at each other. Others were hiding in the dark crevices of their environment. Perhaps they too were observing. Perhaps.
Then my mind drifted back to a place and time about a week or so ago. I had gone to the store with my daughter who needed to get some things and I sat in the car while she went in. I don't much listen to music anymore so I was just sitting there by myself entertaining my own thoughts.
I watched the people coming and going in and out of the store. I am certain that most of them were unaware of my presence as I sat and searched their faces for traces of individuality and commonality. I'm not sure what I was looking for, really or how I'd find it. Maybe to see a glimpse of their stories written on their faces.
Some of them were smiling. Some frowning. I watched as people passed each other without speaking. One woman had a wonderful conversation with her little boy about what they were going to read together. Brought a huge smile to my face as that is something I thoroughly enjoy doing with my son.
I think it was because it was fairly warm out that day that so many people were out and about "doing life." And as I sat there, once again I asked myself (as I've often done in the past), what is the purpose of this? I began to feel sad while considering all the different levels of pain, suffering and brokenness ....that each individual surely experienced throughout their lives. It all seems so meaningless at times. Like whatever purpose there is for this world, it just seems hopeless. And in my mind I heard it clearly....and wept.
Ecclesiastes 1:13-14 And I applied my heart to seek and to search out by wisdom all that is done under heaven. It is an unhappy business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind.
And after feeling a very heavy burden for the striving after wind that we as humans do, I was filled with hope and peace knowing that despite how it seems on the outside, each one of us were created in the image of God and that there is a purpose to life that isn't vanity. That isn't hopeless. That isn't meaningless. I began to see that each face that passed had stories to tell of joy and happiness, laughter and love...beauty that we also are meant to experience.
And then I thought about my own life...how I too have stories of sorrow, sadness, brokenness and hopelessness. Stories of joy and love and playfulness that I have been blessed to enjoy. And I realized that while I am not impervious to sorrow in this life....I'm also not impervious to joy.
I sometimes see the world through "suffering colored glasses" and I wish I didn't. God gave me a heart to feel moved by suffering and I am sometimes overwhelmed and I am filled with similar thoughts as those of the author of Ecclesiastes. I believe though, that He did so that I might be moved with compassion.
Fish scurry. People scurry. Some hide in dark crevices for reasons I don't understand. Some chase each other playfully enjoying moments of fun. Some pick at each other because their personalities clash.
Atheists have often suggested that a life lived in faith in things not seen, is meaningless. I beg to differ. For me a life lived without God is just existing...doing what humans do. But a life lived with God, and all that it entails...IS living!
They were all busy doing what fish do. Some were chasing each other playfully. Some were picking at each other. Others were hiding in the dark crevices of their environment. Perhaps they too were observing. Perhaps.
Then my mind drifted back to a place and time about a week or so ago. I had gone to the store with my daughter who needed to get some things and I sat in the car while she went in. I don't much listen to music anymore so I was just sitting there by myself entertaining my own thoughts.
I watched the people coming and going in and out of the store. I am certain that most of them were unaware of my presence as I sat and searched their faces for traces of individuality and commonality. I'm not sure what I was looking for, really or how I'd find it. Maybe to see a glimpse of their stories written on their faces.
Some of them were smiling. Some frowning. I watched as people passed each other without speaking. One woman had a wonderful conversation with her little boy about what they were going to read together. Brought a huge smile to my face as that is something I thoroughly enjoy doing with my son.
I think it was because it was fairly warm out that day that so many people were out and about "doing life." And as I sat there, once again I asked myself (as I've often done in the past), what is the purpose of this? I began to feel sad while considering all the different levels of pain, suffering and brokenness ....that each individual surely experienced throughout their lives. It all seems so meaningless at times. Like whatever purpose there is for this world, it just seems hopeless. And in my mind I heard it clearly....and wept.
Ecclesiastes 1:13-14 And I applied my heart to seek and to search out by wisdom all that is done under heaven. It is an unhappy business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind.
And after feeling a very heavy burden for the striving after wind that we as humans do, I was filled with hope and peace knowing that despite how it seems on the outside, each one of us were created in the image of God and that there is a purpose to life that isn't vanity. That isn't hopeless. That isn't meaningless. I began to see that each face that passed had stories to tell of joy and happiness, laughter and love...beauty that we also are meant to experience.
And then I thought about my own life...how I too have stories of sorrow, sadness, brokenness and hopelessness. Stories of joy and love and playfulness that I have been blessed to enjoy. And I realized that while I am not impervious to sorrow in this life....I'm also not impervious to joy.
I sometimes see the world through "suffering colored glasses" and I wish I didn't. God gave me a heart to feel moved by suffering and I am sometimes overwhelmed and I am filled with similar thoughts as those of the author of Ecclesiastes. I believe though, that He did so that I might be moved with compassion.
Fish scurry. People scurry. Some hide in dark crevices for reasons I don't understand. Some chase each other playfully enjoying moments of fun. Some pick at each other because their personalities clash.
Atheists have often suggested that a life lived in faith in things not seen, is meaningless. I beg to differ. For me a life lived without God is just existing...doing what humans do. But a life lived with God, and all that it entails...IS living!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Romans 6:17-18
Romans 6:17-18 But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. ~ESV
While I cannot claim with any certainty that I understand fully what this passage and/or any other scriptures truly mean....I can say that I have better clarity on this today than I have ever in the past.
I am very thankful to God who has delivered me from all sorts of sin, brokenness and suffering and has given me a new heart which desires to be obedient to his perfect teachings and principles about loving Him and loving others...which frees me to be a slave to righteousness. I cannot tell you how my heart swells up within me in gratitude because He has shown me what living really means and it's not just breathing in air or experiencing the ebbs and flows of physically existing and appreciating the world around us (although we do those things too and I appreciate them)...but that there truly is great joy in living life in such a way that we have a cause and that being to emulate Christ which brings contentment and peace despite our circumstances.
~The attimeister~
While I cannot claim with any certainty that I understand fully what this passage and/or any other scriptures truly mean....I can say that I have better clarity on this today than I have ever in the past.
I am very thankful to God who has delivered me from all sorts of sin, brokenness and suffering and has given me a new heart which desires to be obedient to his perfect teachings and principles about loving Him and loving others...which frees me to be a slave to righteousness. I cannot tell you how my heart swells up within me in gratitude because He has shown me what living really means and it's not just breathing in air or experiencing the ebbs and flows of physically existing and appreciating the world around us (although we do those things too and I appreciate them)...but that there truly is great joy in living life in such a way that we have a cause and that being to emulate Christ which brings contentment and peace despite our circumstances.
~The attimeister~
Friday, January 8, 2010
Eyes: Window to the Soul
We've all heard the old saying that "The eyes are the window to the soul" and I have always believed there to be some truth to that statement. I was reminded of that reality in a peculiar way yesterday and have been reflecting on it since.
We had been hearing on the news of this big snow advisory that we were gonna have yesterday starting around noon. So I decided to run all my errands early before the snow started. After making my way to all the various stores, I was walking to my car preparing to head home. As I was approaching my car I noticed an elderly gentleman walking toward the store, whose path I would soon be crossing.
As our eyes briefly met and I was forming the words to say hello, he turned his gaze away from me and in a split second I became aware that he was not interested in hellos or any sort of conversation at all. Thus, I also turned my gaze away and we walked past each other in silence.
A few things actually entered my mind as I got in my car and drove off toward home. I wondered how it is that we've come to a place and time in society that we close ourselves off from friendly interaction, if only for a moment in passing? I thought about how things have changed over the years of my life in relation to this issue. I wondered how it must have been living in different eras of history. Truth be told (and don't laugh because if you're anywhere near my age, you will know exactly what I'm talking about LOL) I thought about how television depicted a much friendlier and sociable time in The Little House on the Prairie. Everyone said hello in passing. Everyone smiled or greeted each other in those days.
I felt a pang of guilt because I didn't simply smile and say hello to this man anyway. And then I was brought back in memory to several extremely difficult times in my past where the mere hello, smile or positive comments of a stranger pierced through my rough exterior or the false strength I was attempting to portray when deep inside I was an emotional wreck. I learned the power that kindness, compassion and friendliness could have on a very troubled soul.
I remember one time probably nearly two decades ago, I was walking into a local grocery store and had just had a violent encounter with my (now) ex. I wasn't aware that the expression on my face revealed my inner emotional turmoil until a stranger looked me dead in my eye with a huge smile on his face and said "Smile, it can't be that bad." I remember smiling back at him halfheartedly while silently thinking that he couldn't possibly know.
A couple of years later I was in school (I attended adult ed for 4 years to obtain my diploma) one morning and took a break to go to the restroom. While washing my hands and preparing to go back to class, one of my teachers entered the restroom. It was a small ladies room and as she entered and said hello, her eyes met my eyes and she smiled and asked how I was doing. My eyes dropped and I could not look her in her eye and pretend. Her inquiry was innocent and I'm sure she was not prepared (nor was I) for the emotion it unleashed. That morning, just an hour or two prior our meeting, my ex furiously strangled me while laying on top of my 7 & 1/2 month pregnant belly. I don't know what stopped him. Perhaps it was the realization for him that I was loosing consciousness. It was for me though, all I could take. I finally came to the conclusion that I could not keep living the way I was and I ended our relationship.
As I considered those past events in my life I wondered if that is why we in our society so often turn away our glance when we are about to cross paths with others? Are we hiding our pain? Our fear? Our hurt? Are we so weak that we run from any minute threat of vulnerability to transparency? These are certainly possibilities. Everyone's story is different. Each of us struggle with difficulties in life. We all experience pain and suffering, fear and doubt....and we all try to hide the fact that we do...until someone looks into the window of our soul.
We had been hearing on the news of this big snow advisory that we were gonna have yesterday starting around noon. So I decided to run all my errands early before the snow started. After making my way to all the various stores, I was walking to my car preparing to head home. As I was approaching my car I noticed an elderly gentleman walking toward the store, whose path I would soon be crossing.
As our eyes briefly met and I was forming the words to say hello, he turned his gaze away from me and in a split second I became aware that he was not interested in hellos or any sort of conversation at all. Thus, I also turned my gaze away and we walked past each other in silence.
A few things actually entered my mind as I got in my car and drove off toward home. I wondered how it is that we've come to a place and time in society that we close ourselves off from friendly interaction, if only for a moment in passing? I thought about how things have changed over the years of my life in relation to this issue. I wondered how it must have been living in different eras of history. Truth be told (and don't laugh because if you're anywhere near my age, you will know exactly what I'm talking about LOL) I thought about how television depicted a much friendlier and sociable time in The Little House on the Prairie. Everyone said hello in passing. Everyone smiled or greeted each other in those days.
I felt a pang of guilt because I didn't simply smile and say hello to this man anyway. And then I was brought back in memory to several extremely difficult times in my past where the mere hello, smile or positive comments of a stranger pierced through my rough exterior or the false strength I was attempting to portray when deep inside I was an emotional wreck. I learned the power that kindness, compassion and friendliness could have on a very troubled soul.
I remember one time probably nearly two decades ago, I was walking into a local grocery store and had just had a violent encounter with my (now) ex. I wasn't aware that the expression on my face revealed my inner emotional turmoil until a stranger looked me dead in my eye with a huge smile on his face and said "Smile, it can't be that bad." I remember smiling back at him halfheartedly while silently thinking that he couldn't possibly know.
A couple of years later I was in school (I attended adult ed for 4 years to obtain my diploma) one morning and took a break to go to the restroom. While washing my hands and preparing to go back to class, one of my teachers entered the restroom. It was a small ladies room and as she entered and said hello, her eyes met my eyes and she smiled and asked how I was doing. My eyes dropped and I could not look her in her eye and pretend. Her inquiry was innocent and I'm sure she was not prepared (nor was I) for the emotion it unleashed. That morning, just an hour or two prior our meeting, my ex furiously strangled me while laying on top of my 7 & 1/2 month pregnant belly. I don't know what stopped him. Perhaps it was the realization for him that I was loosing consciousness. It was for me though, all I could take. I finally came to the conclusion that I could not keep living the way I was and I ended our relationship.
As I considered those past events in my life I wondered if that is why we in our society so often turn away our glance when we are about to cross paths with others? Are we hiding our pain? Our fear? Our hurt? Are we so weak that we run from any minute threat of vulnerability to transparency? These are certainly possibilities. Everyone's story is different. Each of us struggle with difficulties in life. We all experience pain and suffering, fear and doubt....and we all try to hide the fact that we do...until someone looks into the window of our soul.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Wonderful reminders of beauty and God's glory
Been meaning to write about this but life sometimes can be so chaotic that I never manage to find the time. Ironically, it's why I'm writing about this. LOL!
The last few months (years really) have been rushed, chaotic and downright overwhelming at times. Doctor appointments, church, school events, family crisis, everyday living ... each somehow seem to cause one day to blur into another quite frequently. The holiday season beginning with the preparation for Thanksgiving always compounds the hustle and bustle which goes throughout the new year. It's common to all of us who celebrate these holidays, I think. And don't get me wrong, I love the season (minus the snow and winter chill, doh!) and all that it entails. It's just that sometimes when I'm running around from morning till night, I find that my patience wears thin (especially dealing with holiday traffic and crowds) and I can get quite irritable by the time I get home and my body is begging me for rest which it may or may not get depending on what still needs to get done.
So Tuesday night after a very long day I came home to find an unexpected beautiful array of roses waiting for my loving touch. In that moment, I was reminded of the beauty of flowers, the wonderful scents and the need to slow down and be filled with the wonders of God's creation, no matter how busy life gets.
Greg, you always somehow seem to know exactly what I need and your timing is impeccable! Thank you for the beautiful gift of beauty and the reminder to enjoy the world around me. I don't have a camera anymore (mine broke after my grandson was born :( ) or I would take a picture once they all bloom and share my joy with you. They are just beginning to open up and they are so pretty. Thank you, friend. *hugs*
~Appreciative~
The last few months (years really) have been rushed, chaotic and downright overwhelming at times. Doctor appointments, church, school events, family crisis, everyday living ... each somehow seem to cause one day to blur into another quite frequently. The holiday season beginning with the preparation for Thanksgiving always compounds the hustle and bustle which goes throughout the new year. It's common to all of us who celebrate these holidays, I think. And don't get me wrong, I love the season (minus the snow and winter chill, doh!) and all that it entails. It's just that sometimes when I'm running around from morning till night, I find that my patience wears thin (especially dealing with holiday traffic and crowds) and I can get quite irritable by the time I get home and my body is begging me for rest which it may or may not get depending on what still needs to get done.
So Tuesday night after a very long day I came home to find an unexpected beautiful array of roses waiting for my loving touch. In that moment, I was reminded of the beauty of flowers, the wonderful scents and the need to slow down and be filled with the wonders of God's creation, no matter how busy life gets.
Greg, you always somehow seem to know exactly what I need and your timing is impeccable! Thank you for the beautiful gift of beauty and the reminder to enjoy the world around me. I don't have a camera anymore (mine broke after my grandson was born :( ) or I would take a picture once they all bloom and share my joy with you. They are just beginning to open up and they are so pretty. Thank you, friend. *hugs*
~Appreciative~
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
About Me
- atti2dchic
- I'm a Christian who questions many of the commonly held beliefs of evangelical Christianity. I don't claim to know it all nor do I expect I ever will. But in a few areas, I have found answers that satisfy my desire to understand. And I continue to hunger and thirst for Him. To know Him and to worship Him in spirit and in truth.