I've been seeing a Christian counselor for a few visits now and I have to admit that I am quite surprised at the things we've discovered and that I've experienced already.
Yesterday, I went in feeling pretty cheerful and thinking that I wouldn't really know what to talk about or better yet, that I might not cry for once! Ha!
It started out ok enough...I shared with her that I've been reading the book she recommended and that I could relate to nearly everything Joyce had written.
We talked a bit about various things and then she asked me if there was ever a time when I felt loved by God. Yes, there was and I shared that experience with her. And so I know practically that God does indeed love me. And I know that God's providential hand is guiding me in various ways in my life....yet I still don't always feel loved. I know He provides for me. I know He's here with me and I know He speaks to me but, why don't I equate those things with His love?
I don't yet know the answer to that question but after sharing my "God experience with her", she asked me what do I think is blocking me from experiencing the full love that God has for me? I don't know the answer to that question either. So, we moved on and she asked me how I know God speaks to me and so I shared with her some very powerful events that have taken place in my life that I know only the power of God could have manipulated (probably not the best word usage but it will have to do as I'm too tired to think any deeper than that LOL).
One way I know God has spoken to me is through a vision nearly three years ago now. And I have also had Him speak to me through dreams. So she suggested that I ask God to give me more visions and dreams because I did feel His love when I was experiencing Him in that way. She quoted the "ask, seek, knock" passage and reminded me that I can ask God for things.
I sat there puzzled because I have read these things many times and I know that I appreciate them intellectually and finally (after a long silence) I kinda chuckled and said, "I know these things, so why is it that I don't ask?" Is it ignorance, laziness, fear, what?
I was not prepared for the unleashing that took place when she asked me very directly, "Were you allowed to ask for things when you were a little girl?" The answer to that question broke me down to my core and I wept uncontrollably as I shook my head, "No." I had my answer. God was taking me back to my childhood to reveal to me something that is hindering me in my relationship with Him today.
As I wept, she prayed and asked God to speak to me and reveal any truth that He wanted me to know in regards to this deep wound that He was bringing to the surface. That if there was anything He wanted to speak to me that He would do so. And as I sat there unable verbally to even agree with her in prayer or anything, He spoke to my heart and told me that "You can ask Me for things. You are My daughter and I love you."
She prayed that God would sear that truth deep into my heart so that I never forget it and so that I will remember that I am free to go to the throne room of God and ask, seek and knock.
I am so thankful for this counselor and for the gentleness and compassion in which she is gifted with. God is using and going to use her to help me break free from emotional bondage that I am under. Some of it I am fully aware of, just don't know what to do about. And some of it, I am not even aware of but He is going to bring it out so that He can liberate me. Praise God!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Beauty
Speaking of beauty..... these are absolutely gorgeous and smell so fragrant! Thank you, Greg *hugs*. You are such a wonderful blessing to me and I am so glad that we have been able to maintain our friendship over the years. I pray and trust that we always will, by the grace of God. You are very special to me. I love you. :)
~Linda~
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Teachable Moments
As I drove down the road to the grandkids' birthday party this afternoon, I recognized a minor incident that had just taken place, as a teachable moment.
You know how as parents we often find moments where we can teach our children about life, about growing up, about all sorts of things? I've often done this with with my own kids. I believe those moments to be special, perhaps, even inspired in some way.
I stopped at the gas station (so I didn't run out of gas, that wouldn't be good!) and while my brother went to pay and pump the gas for me, I noticed some sort of bug flying around in the car. I didn't recognize it as a bee but I didn't get a great look at it either so I don't really know what it was. Next thing I know I felt it sting me in the neck. And, it hurt like heck!
Whatever it was, didn't stick around after it stung me. Nevertheless, it left it's mark. You could see the prick mark and it immediately started swelling. We carried on toward the party at the park and God spoke to my heart. I wasn't expecting Him to especially in this of all things!
He said to me that sometimes we don't see the sting coming so we aren't prepared for it when it hits. It attacks and we never even see it leave but the effects of it's sting can be very real and tangible. It hurts. It stings. It burns. It swells. It's uncomfortable. And once we feel it's venom, we realize the damage it's done.
The correlation between an unexpected sting of a pest and the unforeseeable sting of sin, are similar. Sometimes others attack us and we suffer the hurt. Sometimes, we do it to ourselves or to others and the pain remains, real.
But though the unexpected sting from a bug is painful, if not life threatening, we carry on undisturbed for the most part. Perhaps in some discomfort but not enough to run to the ER. The symptoms fade over time and we learn to adapt until eventually all symptoms are gone.
My neck is still slightly swollen, it's red and irritated, itchy, painful, etc. but the effects will most likely be gone by tomorrow. God who is our Balm of Gilead, treats our sting and removes the pain we experienced from it.
My Father loves me so much that He uses something as simple as a bug sting as a teachable moment in my life. Shows me that I am much like Him in ways that aren't merely anthropomorphic. I am very thankful.
I do have more thoughts but I'm too tired to convey them at the moment. So, I'll save them for next time. :) ...
You know how as parents we often find moments where we can teach our children about life, about growing up, about all sorts of things? I've often done this with with my own kids. I believe those moments to be special, perhaps, even inspired in some way.
I stopped at the gas station (so I didn't run out of gas, that wouldn't be good!) and while my brother went to pay and pump the gas for me, I noticed some sort of bug flying around in the car. I didn't recognize it as a bee but I didn't get a great look at it either so I don't really know what it was. Next thing I know I felt it sting me in the neck. And, it hurt like heck!
Whatever it was, didn't stick around after it stung me. Nevertheless, it left it's mark. You could see the prick mark and it immediately started swelling. We carried on toward the party at the park and God spoke to my heart. I wasn't expecting Him to especially in this of all things!
He said to me that sometimes we don't see the sting coming so we aren't prepared for it when it hits. It attacks and we never even see it leave but the effects of it's sting can be very real and tangible. It hurts. It stings. It burns. It swells. It's uncomfortable. And once we feel it's venom, we realize the damage it's done.
The correlation between an unexpected sting of a pest and the unforeseeable sting of sin, are similar. Sometimes others attack us and we suffer the hurt. Sometimes, we do it to ourselves or to others and the pain remains, real.
But though the unexpected sting from a bug is painful, if not life threatening, we carry on undisturbed for the most part. Perhaps in some discomfort but not enough to run to the ER. The symptoms fade over time and we learn to adapt until eventually all symptoms are gone.
My neck is still slightly swollen, it's red and irritated, itchy, painful, etc. but the effects will most likely be gone by tomorrow. God who is our Balm of Gilead, treats our sting and removes the pain we experienced from it.
My Father loves me so much that He uses something as simple as a bug sting as a teachable moment in my life. Shows me that I am much like Him in ways that aren't merely anthropomorphic. I am very thankful.
I do have more thoughts but I'm too tired to convey them at the moment. So, I'll save them for next time. :) ...
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Love, Lock & Live
Love, Lock & Live. The 3 core values of my church....and they are challenging to say the least. Love God and love others. Lock Arms. And Live openhandedly.
Today's service was about the various motivations behind our giving, whether it be of our time, talents or treasures. We were invited to inspect our hearts and what motivates us to be generous. There are 3 incentives that typically influence us to give.
1. Giving out of duty.
2. Giving to get something back.
3. Giving out of love.
Giving out of duty is rooted in guilt and shame, which is what we often feel when we fail to give. It isn't motivated by a pure desire to do it for others, rather out of a sense of obligation to others.
As my pastor said, oftentimes when we pry open our fingers to live openhandedly toward others, we are hoping God will put something in our hand to replace it. And He may do that, but the motive there is not giving out of love but rather giving out of expectation.
While giving for either of these reasons is better then not giving at all...there is a far greater reason for giving of ourselves. Love. If we are motivated to give when there is no guilt, shame, obligation or expectation then we are free to give out of a pure care, concern, selflessness and love.
When we do so, we do reap treasures but they are spiritual. We die to self and live for God.
1 Timothy 6:17-19 As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy. They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is truly life.
I thank God today that I sit under the wonderful covering of an imperfect pastor who challenges us, while also being challenged himself. I thank God that His call to love Him and love others, causes us to be confronted with our deepest and worst enemy...ourselves. God, please change my heart so that I can take hold of that which is truly life.
Today's service was about the various motivations behind our giving, whether it be of our time, talents or treasures. We were invited to inspect our hearts and what motivates us to be generous. There are 3 incentives that typically influence us to give.
1. Giving out of duty.
2. Giving to get something back.
3. Giving out of love.
Giving out of duty is rooted in guilt and shame, which is what we often feel when we fail to give. It isn't motivated by a pure desire to do it for others, rather out of a sense of obligation to others.
As my pastor said, oftentimes when we pry open our fingers to live openhandedly toward others, we are hoping God will put something in our hand to replace it. And He may do that, but the motive there is not giving out of love but rather giving out of expectation.
While giving for either of these reasons is better then not giving at all...there is a far greater reason for giving of ourselves. Love. If we are motivated to give when there is no guilt, shame, obligation or expectation then we are free to give out of a pure care, concern, selflessness and love.
When we do so, we do reap treasures but they are spiritual. We die to self and live for God.
1 Timothy 6:17-19 As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy. They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is truly life.
I thank God today that I sit under the wonderful covering of an imperfect pastor who challenges us, while also being challenged himself. I thank God that His call to love Him and love others, causes us to be confronted with our deepest and worst enemy...ourselves. God, please change my heart so that I can take hold of that which is truly life.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Beauty For Ashes Journal
I've been through a lot recently and I am considering writing about some very painful things here in my blog as I examine my past abuse and wounds. A wonderful friend has helped me tremendously by offering great advice, a listening ear and by following God's instruction in guiding me to read Isaiah 61:1-3. We discussed in depth vs 3 and what those things that God said He was going to do in Zion meant, and how it applies to me today. I'm very thankful for him and for his compassionate heart. He knows who he is. :)
Isaiah 61:1-3 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion—to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.
If I will give God my mourning, He will exchange it for gladness. If I give God my heaviness/depression, He will give me the garment of praise so that, I can be rooted and grounded like a strong tree. I'm finding He is doing just that.
God has perfect timing and just about a week later, this book was recommended to me by a counselor I began seeing. She suggested that I keep a journal and write down any emotions, thoughts, physical reactions, etc. that I feel as I read. So if I get adventurous, I may decide to have a paper journal and an online journal recording those things.
I read the Introduction today and it sounds like it may be very beneficial to me in learning how to deal with past abuse. At the end of the introduction she did quote my favorite bible passage or what I've heard termed "life verse" which is "Hebrews 11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him."
I know this will be painful. I know I will cry. A lot. I know that it will be for my good. Jesus said that even the branches that bear fruit will be pruned, so that they can bear more fruit. I trust God to prune me with tenderness and love.
Isaiah 61:1-3 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion—to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.
If I will give God my mourning, He will exchange it for gladness. If I give God my heaviness/depression, He will give me the garment of praise so that, I can be rooted and grounded like a strong tree. I'm finding He is doing just that.
God has perfect timing and just about a week later, this book was recommended to me by a counselor I began seeing. She suggested that I keep a journal and write down any emotions, thoughts, physical reactions, etc. that I feel as I read. So if I get adventurous, I may decide to have a paper journal and an online journal recording those things.
I read the Introduction today and it sounds like it may be very beneficial to me in learning how to deal with past abuse. At the end of the introduction she did quote my favorite bible passage or what I've heard termed "life verse" which is "Hebrews 11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him."
I know this will be painful. I know I will cry. A lot. I know that it will be for my good. Jesus said that even the branches that bear fruit will be pruned, so that they can bear more fruit. I trust God to prune me with tenderness and love.
Defining Moments
My church just finished a great series called Defining Moments. They did this series last year also and it had a tremendous impact on my life, both times. Each of the pastors shared a personal testimony of a defining moment in their life. A moment that changed the trajectory of their lives.
You can listen to both series' here (dated 8/16-9/6, '09 and 7/11- 8/1, '10):
http://kensingtonchurch.org/messages/index.php
They surveyed some local folks on the street and asked them if they had had any defining moments or if they thought that everyone does have defining moments. Some said yes they had and yes they think everyone does. Others said they had but didn't think everyone does, etc. It was an interesting thing to see people's thoughts on the issue.
I believe we all have defining moments. Some may be larger than life. Some so seemingly insignificant that we may not even be aware that we have them. But I think we do. Things transpire in our world, we make difficult decisions, life happens and each of us are faced with making choices that affect the course of our future.
I believe I have lots of defining moments. Some pretty darn big ones. Some scary ones. Some happy ones. I write about some of them here, in my blog, to reflect on them. Sometimes I find great clarity in just allowing my fingers to unleash the flow of emotion and thoughts which encompass my heart at the time I experienced whatever event I'm describing. Whether a good or bad thing, I cannot say for I do not know. But I do it anyway.
In the very near future, I am going to be exploring some very deep, dark places from my past and I may write about them if I'm not too emotionally drained. As I explore those places, I will find a few things which have defined who I am today. I imagine it will be very painful but I absolutely feel it is necessary... and no doubt, these will be some moments which define who I will become.
What are some of your defining moments?
Till then ... peace.
You can listen to both series' here (dated 8/16-9/6, '09 and 7/11- 8/1, '10):
http://kensingtonchurch.org/messages/index.php
They surveyed some local folks on the street and asked them if they had had any defining moments or if they thought that everyone does have defining moments. Some said yes they had and yes they think everyone does. Others said they had but didn't think everyone does, etc. It was an interesting thing to see people's thoughts on the issue.
I believe we all have defining moments. Some may be larger than life. Some so seemingly insignificant that we may not even be aware that we have them. But I think we do. Things transpire in our world, we make difficult decisions, life happens and each of us are faced with making choices that affect the course of our future.
I believe I have lots of defining moments. Some pretty darn big ones. Some scary ones. Some happy ones. I write about some of them here, in my blog, to reflect on them. Sometimes I find great clarity in just allowing my fingers to unleash the flow of emotion and thoughts which encompass my heart at the time I experienced whatever event I'm describing. Whether a good or bad thing, I cannot say for I do not know. But I do it anyway.
In the very near future, I am going to be exploring some very deep, dark places from my past and I may write about them if I'm not too emotionally drained. As I explore those places, I will find a few things which have defined who I am today. I imagine it will be very painful but I absolutely feel it is necessary... and no doubt, these will be some moments which define who I will become.
What are some of your defining moments?
Till then ... peace.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
In His Arms
Like an infant without knowledge or understanding in knowing how to express their needs, who cries out for someone/anyone to hear and answer and to be comforted..... I weep bitterly.
I fell asleep exhausted after having spent every ounce of energy, in tears of great agony and sorrow. Despair!
He holds me close even when I cannot utter words to seek for consolation and comfort. I lay in His arms and groan in pain, my heart longs to see the end of suffering. I cling to Him in my solitude.
Injustice reigns but for a moment. Tears eventually subside as He wipes them away and He turns our mourning into joy. I long for that day... I know it is coming.
Psalm 57
I fell asleep exhausted after having spent every ounce of energy, in tears of great agony and sorrow. Despair!
He holds me close even when I cannot utter words to seek for consolation and comfort. I lay in His arms and groan in pain, my heart longs to see the end of suffering. I cling to Him in my solitude.
Injustice reigns but for a moment. Tears eventually subside as He wipes them away and He turns our mourning into joy. I long for that day... I know it is coming.
Psalm 57
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About Me
- atti2dchic
- I'm a Christian who questions many of the commonly held beliefs of evangelical Christianity. I don't claim to know it all nor do I expect I ever will. But in a few areas, I have found answers that satisfy my desire to understand. And I continue to hunger and thirst for Him. To know Him and to worship Him in spirit and in truth.